Balancing Procrastination

Moving

2009-03-11T14:26:00.001-07:00

Hi

I am no longer at this address since I am no longer leahalouie or Balancing Procrastination

Wont you join me at my new blog site

http://marriedinamerica.blogspot.com/

Thanks

one year

2009-02-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

one year ago today i met my honey
last night at midnight my honey suprised me with my laptop all fixed and tuned up

today i found out that my laptop wont let me on facebook, hotmail or blogspot...all the things i love the the most on the internet so i resort back to my honeys computer

tomorow i hope it will be fixed so i can post some pictures

one year sure goes by fast

Hello

2009-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

So the stew was yummy, I think we ate it for the next week and even got Ava to try some. I ended up making another soup 3 or 4 days later...I am seeing that soups are a hit at my house since they are easily re-heated without the use of a microwave.

My computer is still broken and Tim's computer is too old to except my memory card or the right USB cord to transfer pictures so I still wait until the day I can show some more current pictures of life on my new Island.

It feels like it is becoming more home to me here. These last 3 months have been bit of a hard transition...ya I get to be with Tim and am married but sometimes I miss everyone at home more then I can handle. Some days I wish I could just call up my friend Leah and then show up at her house 20 mins later or walk in the mall and see 2 or 3 people that I just know ! But with that being said God has faithfully provided me with a new family of people...good people, annoying people, friendly and interesting people and I am extremly glad for that. I asked him for a friend around my age since most tend to be a lot older right now and for that I am still waiting.

I think when I get my social security number it will be even better because then I will be able to work...ohhh how I miss working...the mailbox has become my best friend, i check that thing religiously every day at 3:30...so if you ever want to send me mail I will gladly except.
xoxo, Leaha

Stew

2009-01-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

I wanted to start with some new photos today

but my husband didnt want me to bring my computer in until he looked at it first, he has a "fix it complex" that didnt come into effect until now ( my computer has been broken for 2 months). I told him I would probably have to pay some money to bring my laptop back to life so now he wants to help, go figure!

But anyways I am going to venture into making some stew, it was suppose to be lamb, but lamb is too expensive so it will be beef.

I will tell ya'll how it went once I have accomplished my task.

Change.

2009-01-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking

Thinking that I don’t write here enough

When I first started this blog I was a single girl living in Vancouver Canada with my vegan red headed roommate.

Now I am married living on a little Island in the US with my curly haired electrician husband and his own version of Dakota Fanning 6 year old daughter.

I want to perhaps start a new blog

A blog about my new life

A life which consists of lots of dish washing, laundry folding, church activities and meal creation.

Doesn’t sound as interesting as it could be but I didn’t think that looking at my friends feet for a week would be exciting yet it was.

I was thinking of starting a new blog that discusses my newness to being a wife, step mother and homemaker (I am still a student and that takes up a lot of my time too).

I was thinking of talking about my newness to cooking meals which I try to do about every second day, some are good many are failures...tonight was "outstanding" in the words of my husband...good ole chicken pot pie.

I want to add pictures (which means I need to get my butt down to a computer repair shop since mine is broken :( )

I want to share with ya'll how I have been living in a construction site since I have been married...right now I sit on a couch that sits on plywood with a sledgehammer, broom, huge garbage tin, electrical tools and nails all around.

I want to share how I will one day decorate this place (believe me it needs help)

I want to share my new life with my old life friends who are still my present friends.

I want to copy my friend Leah and do a "week in my shoes" post.

Tuesday

2009-01-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

Last week was horrible

This week has been amazing

Things are better :)

What!

2009-01-01T11:34:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I am living someone elses life right now, more specifically in these last 24 hours.

I had a crappy crappy new years eve day and night
anD
I had a wonderful realization of Gods love.

My husband did something yesterday that now requires consequences to his actions, leaving me alone and semi worried ( only because I dont have any information on his situation/condition) but along with the heaviness in my heart there is a comfort.

God has shown me how much he cares for me by sending people my way or sending me to people as a strength and reassurance of his plan.

I have felt more loved in these last 24 hours by God's people here in Anacortes then ever before.

Doors have been opened
Food has been served
Shoulders have been given
Prayers have been said

and the majority of my anger and fear has dissolved...

I feel completely bare and motionless right now as I am unaware of what my next task is...should I do laundry, should I take the dog for a walk, should I eat, should I pray, should I cry, should I pretend nothing happened, should I prepare for when he comes home, should I just sit and be still?

I want this to be a dream, I want to wake up next to the man I love and forget these past two days.

Update

2008-12-29T17:20:00.001-08:00

A year ago around exactly this time I started chatting with someone who would drastically change my life.
9 months and 16 days that someone shared their feelings of love towards me.
A little less then 7 months ago my love asked me to be there's forever
About 2 1/2 months ago we got married

Post Wedding

2008-12-23T13:08:00.001-08:00

GAHHHH

who invented thank you cards?

Cant I just phone everyone and say it?

Dinner

2008-12-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

If you know me then you know that I am not much of a cook. I have been trying alot lately and have somewhat succeed at; lasagna, Shepard's pie, spaghetti and recently enchiladas ( i didn't eat the lasagna though)

Today I will try to conquer a new dish

trusty ole meatloaf.

I am not even sure if I like it or if i have even eaten it before, but I think I heard my husband say that he likes it so its worth the try...apparently many websites have encouraged me to make it alongside cornbread and mashed potatoes....

hopefully the gym can overcome what appears to be a very yummy unhealthy dinner tonight.

No Mas

2008-12-07T15:05:00.001-08:00

How do you study when you have a final tomorow?

You dont

Your read trash instead

Sunday Nights

2008-12-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

My husband plays an open mic night Sundays quite regularly at a local bar called the Watertown. He is quite amazing but that’s not the point of my thoughts at the moment.
I usually find myself sitting alone being a consumer/observer/fan of the talent that comes together to live out their passions.

Tonight I find myself being an observer of the others in the bar.

There aren’t many.
I am one of two females present, the other is a lady wearing a leopard print mooo moo type dress and a rain man’s hat, she is quite inebriated. Later on I will learn her name is Lydia and she will ask me to dance with her, kindly I will say no. She is sitting next to two men, one is an older gentlemen totally lost in the music ( I wonder what he thinks, maybe he had dreams of playing the electric guitar when he was younger, maybe he never pursued it or was never encouraged to) the other is a younger guy with curly hair down to his butt covered with a blue fleecy toque… later he will bring out his trumpet to jam with the rest of the musicians.

There are two young men who look like they stereotypically belong in this place, they are covered with tattoos and piercing. You can tell they are there for the music and the beer, they sit in the beaten up lounge chairs closest to the stage..you can tell this is a place they feel comfort in.

The singer I like is about to play a song alongside my love, so there my attention goes, my ears, my senses and my thoughts wanna be carried away to the song he sing, the song I requested.
There is nothing better then live music, good live music
He sings Redemption Song by Bob Marley
and he does a beautiful rendition.

I wanna close my eyes and get carried away by the words he sings ,
But I wont because I cant, because just as I am looking at the people in the bar I feel there eyes watching me and it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me feel vulnerable, so i do my best to brush it off and I go back to watching the singer sing, and my bass man play and the words fill my heart and I feel moved inside.

Today

2008-11-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

I love how the simplest of days can be the most brilliant.

We woke up late today, like 1 pm style late and began a day of cleaning and reorganizing (Jenn style)

He made me my favorite eggs coupled with the most delicious food ever invented.

TOAST.

I choose the kitchen and bedroom therefore eliminating the bathrooms from my list (they are boy type gross, plus he dirties them more then me) ... As I washed dishes I thought of how good it feels to be in this new season of life.

I love the;

New paint colours (orange, brown, coffee, red, and olive)
New floors
New organization
New fridge (hopefully)
New cream in the fridge
New step daughter

New (older) husband
New country (although sometimes i do have my worries about becoming Americanized)

Everything is fresh, beautiful, innocent, fragile, calm and overwhelming all the while being a great challenge and a non deserving expression of GODS love towards us.

I feel so unworthy but have a huge heart of graditude and awe at the same time.

Love is good but

GOD
IS
BETTER.

photo by leah tan

Back In Action

2008-11-26T18:56:00.001-08:00

Have you ever thought it was strange how ones emotions can go from feeling; lonely, hurt, angered, betrayed, unsure to completely happy, blessed, excited and then back to upset and unrest again?

Maybe you've never felt that before or you have had a variation of such, but it has happened to me recently and has completely derailed my sense of sanity and balance.

I have had moments when I have wanted to write but just can’t seem to make any sense of my thoughts or don’t want to write them down because they might convince me that i really am crazy or something close to it.

I like words, I like thoughts and imagination and insight and writing and balance and reading all of my friends blog's and sleeping in. I don’t like feeling purposeless or unbalanced or unfriendly or unthankful or unhappy.

I am in the most wonderful season of my life, shheeesh sometimes its mind-blowing and exhilarating and great and i want to share it with everyone but I don’t know how cause everyone i know is far away and/or what if they don’t believe me and what if they don’t care and what if i am not in the mood to share?

My thoughts are all over the place, but you get the point right?

Love is great, friends are great so is reading and hugging and sharing and eating pasta together, I just got married and that is even more then great, its humbling, warm, scary, beautiful, passionate, quiet and more then anything that i could ever have dreamed of.

photo by Leah Tan

life

2008-11-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

everything is wonderful

just

wonderful

Moving Time 2

2008-08-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

A year ago I sat in this same empty space scared that I would not be able to live in a new place with a new person in this new neighbourhood and make it out semi alright.

I sat here with joy that there was a starbucks in view of my bedroom window with hopes that they would hire me and I would be able to start some sort of structured life.

And it happened, I started school, church, friends, work and life began and it was exciting

Now I am leaving, this will be the last time that I will call this place my very own without having to be a guest in it.

I am sad to be leaving but the sadness is more about leaving my friend here… I know I can come visit but it won’t be the same….
My roomie Jenn has been someone that I have been able to be completely myself around and still be loved…. Who else besides my sister (who has no choice), would allow me to fall on knees and grab there legs in a whiny plea to make me food and actually DO IT while laughing and probably thinking in her head that she lives with crazy. She has been the one who has seen me in my most girlie giggly *sigh in love stage as well as the one who has laid next to me and prayed for me when I was hurting inside. Jenny has danced with me down hallways, dressed me up for a fancy dinner, cooked me many AMAZING meals, motivated me to clean up and work out and reminded me how important reading books is. I am going to miss her. I am going to miss life together with her.

So I am excited about this next phase in my life but I kind of wish I could put a jenny in my pocket and bring here along.

Dress

2008-08-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

I bought my dress today

I cant believe it

I have a dress

A pretty dress

No, Wait.... An Amazing dress

wedding

2008-08-06T02:16:00.000-07:00

me and my love have gone back and forth on how we want to get married….we are not really the tradition wedding type, so we have come up with other options about how we want this done…..but it seems after all the discussing we have come to the conclusion that we want a semi-traditional wedding…you know with the church, dress and tux! So I have been up for the last 2 ½ hours looking at wedding venues in his area and dresses for me. I tried to sleep but all my mind keeps thinking is that “ I need to get this done before school starts” partnered with “why doesn’t the internet just do it all for me” .

I am super stoked to get married to him but have never had the wedding planning bug, so I am kinda stuck since we both are kinda poor and not the planning type...

Great Big Mystery

2008-07-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning as I was rushing out the door I grabbed one of my roommates cd’s (she has a collection that I have never heard before, keeps my ears fresh) so that on my drive to work I could sing along with something new….well I ended up grabbing a cd by the singer Bethany Dillon and only listened to one song over and over again (if you’re a girl you can relate to the repeat button syndrome…its in us all) …. The song was great, every time I listened to it, it would say something different to me…..here are the main lyrics that I like ….

I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face

Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily

The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery

The first lines to stick something in my head are “nations fall when you speak and you have spoken over me”….. WOW, if nations can fall when God speaks to them, what will happen to me if I just allow his leading…what is happening to me because of his call on my life……

After that my very plea was mimicked in the lines “ I am tired of giving in so easily”….. so many times I have given in because I was lazy, scared, apathetic or just being prideful…and I am tired of it….

Then the last lines to keep playing over and over again in my head were/are “the way you keep on loving me, is changing everything I see” ….. Isn’t it true that because of the way God loves us we see things differently…

-the value and potential in people
-being good stewards of our earth
-caring about social justice and the hopeless
-the gifts in ourselves
-love..true loce, right love, love without getting tired

As i was listening to this song i felt humbled and empowered as if God werre trying to tell me something, something wonderful,something beautiful....

Home

2008-07-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

It felt very nice to come to my place today after a somewhat stressful day…made me feel a bit peaceful and energized even though I am tired.

Maybe because I got to snuggle with my roommate
Maybe because it was clean and clutter free (not my room of course)
Maybe it’s because there is stuff here that is mine
Maybe it is because I can see starbucks from my bedroom
Maybe because my cell phone is completely dead
Or because I had some yummy amazing cereal for dinner.

I wanna to cook my food and stop eating just toast……and I want to cook good food…sheeesh I have lived with an amazing cook (its not just me who think this, she has more fans) …well I have lived with her for almost a year and never fully watched her do her thing…and her thing is awesome…..

I am sleepy and grammar is extra hard for me, so I am going to sleep

the photo above is of my future family.

Blessed

2008-07-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

There have been these moments that happen upon me

Where I realize how in love I am with Tim

Moments when I am sitting in the bar watching him play his bass at open mic night

Moments when we are watching a movie and he kisses my hands

Moments when we are reading together

Moments when the love in my eyes catches his and the overwhelming sensation that we were meant to be together sweeps over me with no other explanation then “you just know”.

I feel very undeserving and blessed in this area of my life… very thankful too.

There are other areas to where I don’t give GOD enough praise and glory for treating me far above what I deserve

- For protecting me from abuses
- For bringing amazing caring people into my life
- For helping me go to school and think
- For the Grace upon Grace I receive
- For giving me chances every moments to make things right

There are moments, many moments when I allow myself to think that life is all about me but its not about me, or you …its about him…. Serving him ….loving him….. Praising him…. About living what you believe instead of just saying it… (Thank you Donald Miller)

I want to live what I believe…. I want to believe more … I believe but I am so forgetful

God is so faithful even though I am so faithless

I am blessed.

Lost in my own thoughts again

2008-07-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am hard on myself to the point that it causes me to be my own self-inflicted stumbling block.

I want to deal with everything myself so I barely talk about how I am feeling; this helps me maintain a certain amount of superficial until finally it blows over.

And when it blows over my soul and heart tighten and I am left feeling incredibly inadequate.

These things can’t be kept in. I don’t want to always be like this….

For the last while I have been keeping myself hidden (feelings) at the expense of my joy;

I have been moody, cold and non-responsive because I dislike and am scared of those thoughts in my head that say I am not good enough ... this doesn’t happen much but when it does it comes in huge quantities.

Part of me wants to feel alight with it (my feelings) because I want the freedom within myself to be what I am and sometimes that is who I am (all sensitive and stuff), but Mainly I want to fight it because I want to be a light that shines and makes people feel welcomed in my life, especially those I love.

I hate letting people down, its on of the reasons that I am non confrontational. I don’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t like feeling that I have caused people discomfort. I know it will happen and does because of my own flaws and humanness but it scares me because I see myself slowly pushing at people because if I push them away then they cant do it to me….

With all that being said… I know that I am loved and accepted and it’s mainly me being hard on myself and listening to untrue thoughts. As cliché as it is I am just a work in progress and I don’t really want to feel bad about it anymore…so if you catch me then call me out… I give you permission…. I need it….

When I feel like this it is easier to think and write and feel ok about it.

Crazy get gone.

2008-07-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have become this person I don’t recognize
Not particularly bad but just unrecognizable. ( this picture makes it look bad but it doesnt represent anything, i just thought it was funny)

I am in love with someone who is pretty darn amazing and we have decided to spend our loves together and it is all very exciting. All the things that come along with it are pretty cool as well but there are moments when I feel the weight of it all pushing on my emotional button. Sometimes I feel like screaming at it (the emotional thingy) but it would be screaming at air and I already feel crazy and that would probably just make more people around me agree that I actually am crazy. Being out of whack makes me act in ways that are not me, take these last two instances which both occurred last night.

1) I had a fight with the one I love about stupid things. I hate fights. I love peace. I like my heart beating at a semi-normal pace, and fighting throws it off.

2) I went grocery shopping and bought lots of things that I shouldn’t have but particularly two because of my neo emotional, pre marriage, pre move out of my country, post annoyance with trying to pick classes and figuring out how I am going to pay for it all stress.

So if you’re around please come eat those things that will not do my body good (cookies and some super sugary cereal). Plus last night I ate some greasy chicken wings for dinner and I am going to get married soon, like 2-6 months soon and I have been so good lately with my choice of food (not last night of course) and I don’t want to let my emotional state dictate my behavior. I want to be consistent and reliable. And another thing, I love my bed and prayer and showers and sugary cereal for breakfast and the birds twirping outside my window right now… they are all so very comforting

Ok so it wasn’t all bad food that I bought…there were some apples, cucumbers, tomatoes, tuna, mini cans of beans…hmmm who knew they came in mini.

hmmm

2008-07-15T23:22:00.001-07:00

Bachelor partys !

Who needs them really???

Right?

Am I crazy for thinking that they are not an essential to pre marriage events?

RISK

2008-07-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

"I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and fall
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.
I would rather risk"

Lately I have been listening to a GREAT song,

It has been playing in my head without me even trying to think about it

The best part is it is a Canadian singer.

Aren’t the lyrics great!!!! I wanted to share them before I told you all it was a country song because I know that some might pre judge the integrity of the song, so shame on you: P

I have loved country music every since I met my dad (whom introduced it to me when I was 10)

It’s because I love stories

And not because I enjoy twang

Risk - Paul Brandt
And because I love my dad, who just celebrated his 48th birthday yesterday 

Coffee

2008-07-09T11:17:00.001-07:00

I went into my old work today

I saw all my old friends

I miss my Starbucks days

Rushing Myself

2008-07-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to stay in one place for too long.

It could be as simple as waiting for others in my party to get ready or not wanting to live in one place for too long.

I thrive on movement, adventure and action. I like stress … it is a disease really.

I remember something my English professor would tell the class “boredom is a choice”

I choose to get bored easily I choose to be ansy I choose fun over responsibility

I choose short term or over long term I choose there, over here

Right now I am patiently trying to learn how to be satisfied in my environment, to relax, to enjoy the moment for what it is, to not choose boredom, to follow through, to stick with something (like writing on this blog), to not rush, to sit still, to think…. to be more creative with the time that my mind makes me believe is being wasted.

I use to be able to sit for hours and read a book, draw my imagination, watch planes fly overhead,do my homework.... somewhere between then and now I forgot that there is pleasure in those things....

the journey begins to find those things once again .

Happy

2008-06-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

My finger has been unhappy lately

Three weeks ago I became engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever known

Two weeks ago I had to give my ring back because it was one size to big

Last night I got my ring back

my finger is now happy again

2008-06-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

Some friends could tell you the appreciation I have for running outdoors

I use to do it every second night at my peak

Somewhere in the middle of then and now I stopped.

Today my work friend was explaining to me the benefits of running outside instead of the treadmill I was on and he inspired me.

So I came home, put on some shorts and sneakers and went for a run!

I am so glad I did…wow like ummmm HELLO, tonight was gorgeous.

I don’t often (which means never) say that I feel blessed in moments, sure I have experienced it but I don’t vocalize it….but tonight I will…

I felt blessed while running through the streets of east Vancouver (also known as Hastings sunrise). The sun was setting in front of me quietly hiding itself behind the glowing mountains and bustling city, this was highlighted by a vast blue sky, a mild temperature and the song ‘Ache’ by James Carrington playing in my head.
James Carrington - Ache - James Carrington

I loved it, soaked it in, felt energized and peaceful because of it and don’t want to let so much time pass before I do it again.

:(

2008-06-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Something changed

I don’t know when it happened but it is affecting the way I react to things

I feel distressed inside, I am being cynical, I kinda wanna be alone.

I miss me.

Friends

2008-06-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

I love gatherings with friends when the time spent together consists of laughter

I don’t mean the occasional chuckle but the “from the gut, unable to breath snorting “type of laughter where one can not control themselves from rolling on the floor and doesn’t really want to.

This past Friday night I had one of those occasions with people who mean the world to me, people who have sharpened my spiritual growth by asking questions and being themselves and giving me grace as I have there pseudo-leader ( I say pseudo because I really wasn’t qualified to be and sometimes feel that I didn’t do the best that I could have)

This gathering felt like it was a therapy for me after a long week working outside in the pouring rain as well as having no time to myself to think or relax.

I am so thankful for “good” friends that give me the freedom to be myself (with all the annoying, snorting, burping, whining, and journeying self that consists of me). I am thankful that they stick with me and love me and let me in their lives.

I love friends 

Planner

2008-06-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

I can barely plan my day, so how am I suppose to plan a wedding?

To bowwor my roomates phrase "lets be honest" : I dont even care too much for a wedding except for the pictures, the groom and the dress!

Someone wanna plan this all for me?

And not my guy, because if he was able to he would make the entree something with CHEESE and I hate cheese !

Like forever and EVER

2008-06-03T07:57:00.001-07:00

So Ring Um YA !

I dont deal with "missing" well

2008-05-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those moments (or I am in a mood) where I wish I was dating someone* who lived closer to me. I want to be able to just call that person up and be like “hey, Lets do something, I will be over there in 15 mins” or have a time when I am just surprised by that person’s presence at my house or at my work.

I am being ungrateful for what I have, which is more then anything I could have asked or imagined for, but these moods just happen upon me…or like tonight is triggered by events/people. Tonight I went out to Martini with my old manager and her boyfriend and just wanted to have that person there with me; to pick on, to laugh with, to annoy….you know all the normal life things, but he wasn’t there ( no blame is meant) and it felt like he should be there( maybe because it is a friday night?). The night was fun and I didn’t think much about it until I left, but the point is I still thought about it and feel a bit ashamed for that.

I am annoyed with myself because like I said earlier I feel that the person who I have in my life is beyond wonderful, is a blessing, is my love and I don’t want to be ungrateful, especially regarding him.

I am not good at this semi-long distance thing; I need/want personal face to face interaction with everyone that is involved in my life…. I want it with my roommate, my mom, my leah, my friends, my family and my boyfriend….

The point is I am unhappy that I let myself feel ungrateful when God has a bigger plan that goes beyond my temporary mood shifts.

Some one give me a little shake please!

* the person I want closer is the one I already have !

When your gone

2008-05-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

I felt like this song last night at work

Hanging By A Thread - Nickel Creek

Help

2008-05-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

I cant write

I just dont know how to

Its like someone crept into my brain and took all the joy away from typing/journaling and left me with thoughts that are captive inside an overactive brain.

Maybe it is because school ended

Maybe it is because I dont have time

Maybe it is because I dont care

I need help;

writing help

Sleepy Time

2008-05-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

I think you have all noticed that I have not written in a while

I have noticed as well and am not sure what to do about it besides write

but I dont want to write

not now at least.

I get bored easily and often lose my train of thought, or put it somewhere and forget to retrieve it at a later date.

I have a bad memory

I have a bad sleep schedule as well

I love sleep

I love warmth as well.

One thing I dont like it cheese ( but you know that already)

another thing I dont like is traffic ( maybe you dont know that yet)

I also really dont appreciate mean people, but what can you do since they seem to be everywhere?

I am going to sleep right now in a warm bed where cheese, traffic and mean people are against the law.

Converted

2008-04-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

The eye sees, the mind remembers,

For now at least.

Its 7 18 am, I have been up for 4 hours by now and have only 30 mins to accomplish my mission, if I fail its not going to be pretty.

So I rush in, drop my things, crack you open and in a matter of only 2 secs I cringe, gag and gasp at what my eyes behold !

Instead of the two normally perfectly round yellow and white fruits of chicken which we commonly refer to as eggs, I see yellow and white and mostly RED and what I believe to be an eye in some stage of development !

Right then and there I become a convert

No more eggs

For now at least!

Embarrassed Much?

2008-04-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Taking out your retainer for fear that your new boyfriend will think you’re a geek for wearing one and then realizing you lost it and go crazy trying to discover it only to find out that he found it below the seat of his car.*

Going on your fist date with someone and having each moment perfect then while have a lovely mug of hot chocolate you move your hand spasmodically and dump your hot chocolate on him

Going to the bathroom at your boyfriend’s house after drinking a high fiber drink and being on the road for well over an hour to realize that the toilet won’t flush* and it wasn’t just number 1 that ya did!

Do you remember when you were young and you use to read those embarrassing stories (maybe you still are young, and maybe you still do read them) in magazines such as Seventeen and Teen and be thankful that none of them ever happened to you, well my friends I am an embarrassing moment waiting to happen, or waiting to be discovered. The three written above are just a few that have happened upon me, and of course while I was with a boyfriend/guy at the occurrence. I know I am not the only one that things such as these or worse happen to, so if something’s happened to you why you don’t share it so that I don’t have to feel so foolish and can have someone to laugh at for once!

*1.he was sweet about it, he found it early on in my search and after I had ravaged his car without any luck, he innocently got me to re-look in his car because he had put it back so I wouldn’t have to feel so embarrassed, but my unobservant self overlooked it, so he finally fessed up that he had found it because I was about to order a new one from my ortho… did I mention that my retainer was leopard print?

*2. I tried and tried and tried for a long time to use the plunger and fix the toilet but had no such luck; my arms are just not powerful enough to unclog the clogyness. So I humbly invited my boyfriend in to help who was trying from the beginning to fix the problem…but no I am girl and I am tough and my face gets red real quick !

JitterBug

2008-04-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Why does inspiration for something have to come so late?

Right now my body is on high caffeine alert, even driving didn’t feel right, nor does typing since neither of these move fast enough

I am hungry, and all day I have been craving a burger but I wont give in, I wont! Cause I am sure that once I give in the first time I will continue to give in again and again and this will not lead to me being a self controlled human being when it comes to fast food so instead I vowed to myself and Val that I would eat at home, and eat something lovely indeed…

I like to follow through with what I say as well… so here is proof I came home to eat deliciousness

Kinda makes you wanna come over for dinner and enjoy some eh, along with the company of me right? Sheeesh I impress myself sometimes!

Sick I have an exam in two days, please Saturday dont come ( actually do come but make me brilliant before you get here) ...Sick sick sick I don’t want to do it, I can’t do it, I shouldn’t do it yet I have to do it….

maybe eating will make me less annoyed with the lack of disciple I have had towards studying and hopefully it will make me less jittery ….yes less jittery is what I need before I head to the library right near where I live….

ps. the orange stuff is food colouring wrapped around a yummy moist ( but non mushy) noodle as well as some solid white tuna surrounded my some lovely red raspberries!

I love you water

2008-04-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

If it wasn’t for warm water I would probably never drink water straight up, so if you want to win* my heart then warm water is the way (btw my heart is not available).

It seems that people have been giving me their opinions on love lately;
what it means to be in love, how long it takes, how you should go about it, what the boundaries should be, who to love, when to love, why to love, where to love…you know things like that …and the list goes on and on but the only advice I usually remember is that of my dads which is that he doesn’t believe people can truly love, unless the person is a part of themselves like a child or brother but he says that even then his theories often fails. I don’t like his ideas but then he is my dad so I listen and give my opinion but he usually disregards it because in his mind I am 15 and I need his constant supervision and insight (lets be honest here I guess part of my likes it, but only part of me). I don’t really understand the love between people beyond what I have experienced and received , all I really know is that it is more then a feeling! But that leaves gaps in my mind…anways it seems I have digressed in the reason for writing, so lets get back on track here.

Last night at Tenth, Ken read this quote below to all of us, and I think it struck me, my roommate and my Leah (you can read Jenn’s insight here, its probably much more deep and articulate then mine, but it should probably be that way because she is a writer and I am a talker)

“Nothing is more practical than finding GOD, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything. Father Pedro Arrupe

Beautiful eh!

Since I don’t fully know what my thoughts are about love and such, why don’t you give me yours, at least this way I can have other peoples ideas instead of just my Dad’s stuck in my brain !

*--- Win isn’t the right word, its not a game right?

ps. the picture is what happens to water when you say " i love you " to it, more information can be found here too

9 years ago

2008-04-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

When I was 15 and living in the Courts I started dating boy “C” after a month of him asking me out and a month of me saying No… for some reason I knew I shouldn’t date him, but eventually gave in and dated him ( off and on and off and on and off) for about four years of my life. The place we lived in was named by the neighborhood "the Courts" it was interesting…it was a mixture of races; ethnicities and one dimensional when it came to class….we were all poor! To make things a little more interesting with my relationship with him is the fact that on one side of me he lived and on the other his ex, today I sent her this email;

Hey

So I have wanted to write you for a while (like 3 or 4 years a while) but have always got lost in the moments of my own life. I am not sure exactly why I wanted to besides the fact that I feel I may have disrespected the relationship you and C had before me and him. I was young and completely naïve of the relationship you two had prior. So I wanted to say sorry for then and sorry that it had to be so awkward living there in the courts. When he and I started dating he told me that you two had been broken up for about 8 months, I didn’t learn until later on that that was a lie… Dang Boys! I wouldn’t have gone out with him if I had known that me and him started so quick after you two. I know this happened along time ago and you probably have not thought about it since then, but I want to make it right with you if it is possible.

With that said

I wish you blessings for this new and exciting wedding and marriage that is coming up soon :)

LeahA

This is not meant to be a ‘Good is me’ post but a reminder that it’s never to late to say sorry to someone. I didn’t do it to feel justified inside, or to feel that I am a good person… I knew that I had to say sorry because of the way I acted back then even if the event so long ago and our lives have moved on. Maybe she wont receive it, maybe she will laugh but thats not suppose to be my worry or burden...mine is to act lovingly

Our words have significant power….to sooth, to bring joy and truth, to love, to hurt, to destroy, to lie…let us use our words to breathe life into people today

Because I like to read through past thoughts

2008-04-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Dec 1, 2006 !
Nothing
I am trying to figure out if it is wrong to do a little shuffling with my friends. Well more accurately put remove some friends from my life. I know that might sound a bit harsh, but I don’t think that all the people I have in my life as friends are worthwhile. This does sound bad but I don’t want it to come across that way, all people can’t be good for you. And some people I have in my life are not. I try to be loving and gracious but to be honest I cant all the time, and with some it seems that I have to be trying at every moment not just to turn to them and say that I can’t deal with their friendship anymore and to please just leave. Maybe it’s the mood I am in right now, but maybe it’s real. If I keep the people in my life that are really having a negative impact on my spirit what is the purpose? Am I not just reinforcing my need to be friends with everyone, am I just using them? This is hard for me because i want everyone to feel loved. I just don’t know.

Today was the first day I ever drove my car all alone, it felt like a great achievement although all I did was move it from one parking spot to the next. This is not as easy as it sounds for beginners in the driving of 5 speed cars. I had to get it into first gear, turn it around and reverse it so I could parallel park all with my lovely stepfather heckling me, right now I kind of wanna just go on my street and practice but the snow scares me, I keep thinking I am going to stall and a bus will be coming and wont be able to get out the way and smash into my sweet little white Honda and that will be the end of my driving days.
Everything seems to sound negative today, it wasn’t intended at all.

Today was actually a good day; I got a massage for an hour, bought some stuff for my new car, named the car Petey with the aid of my friend Megan, actually she thought of the name and I though of the story. Petey is a poor Gardner from England who with every cent he makes feeds and cloths his family.

I got to chat with someone pretty awesome, and that always makes me smile. I like smiling, I don’t like wrinkles, but I like smiling.

I love God too, its not just an after thought, its my reason for being

Update from then: The friend that was trying on my patience is no longer as close to me as we once were, but I think this is a good thing :)

Driving little ole Petey is not as hard as I thought it would be and man I really was mad at myself for buying a standard because it seemed so hard.

Faces

2008-04-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

I love faces

The design of them
The complexity of them
The beauty of them

I like to look at and watch peoples faces which I admit can be a bit creepy because most people think I am looking at them and I guess I am but then I am not, at least not in the way they probably imagine. I almost feel like I am looking at something deeper then the image my eyes are seeing.

Their wrinkles, scars, eyes and marks are telling me a story about a life that doesn’t require words but causes me to wait and wonder.

I love faces.

A couple years back I was reading a book called “Practicing the Presence of People” and the author talked about his love of malls because he could people watch and therefore fall in love with a creation that is the bearer of the image of God. That thought permeated within me because this is what I want to do, love people. Watching faces helps facilitate that for me because when I look at someone faces it makes me wonder about their story, about their life, about their struggle and wondering leads to life and life to grace and grace to love. To be honest judging people has become to easy for me which is counterintuitive to loving in the first place because “ when we judge people we have no time to love them” (Mother Theresa) and I want to love;

The scars
The wrinkles
The beauty
The story
And most importantly the person.

Four Days too Long

2008-04-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

Hypothetically speaking, wouldn't you agree that being away from someone that you love for an extended time ( lets say 4-5 days) would kinda be a tad bit poooey?

Late Night Mind Work

2008-04-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes too many thoughts interfere with my sleep, take last night for example I ended up going to sleep around 3 am and waking around 730 am ish all because my mind was over active.
There wasn’t really anything deep occurring, just the regular run of the mill things like

“Why do pillows feel the best when you HAVE to wake up for something?”
“Why is a yummy egg really a fetus?”
“How can I steal my roommates clothing without her noticing”
“How come hearsay law has so many exceptions?”
“Why can’t broccoli smell as good as muffins when they are being baked?”
“Why do we call a shirt a shirt?”
and finally
"Will I always hate alarm clocks?"

Stupid things keeping me up at stupid hours!

Today I went out with my Mentor Jodi for some coffee/chat time, it was good
She asked me questions
I answered
She gave me things to think about *
I am thinking about them now

Now at least it is not so stupid thoughts keeping my up at stupid hours which unfortunately have to happen the night before my 4 45 am shift!

*Ok so among the things she gave me to think about; faith, love, dad, future, grace and school my mind has these lyrics playing on repeat

“You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave”
Death Cab for Cutie

I don’t know why it has to be at this point in the song that my mind starts working and remembering, but it is and I like it….

Hearing

2008-03-31T14:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I am in pain I lie on the floor
Sometimes when I am deep in thought I can’t speak
Sometimes I think wonderful things just to forget them moments later
Sometimes I take people for granted when all I really want to do is love them
Sometimes (all the time) people tell me things without realizing the impact it will have on my life.

Today I received a phone call from someone who has had a huge impact in my life, my mentor/friend Jodi, she phoned to explain that she had just finished talking to someone about me and about the passion I have. She explained how she was almost in tears because of the conversation she had with this lady on my behalf. She gave me this ladies number and explained that maybe I should call her.

Instead I laid on the floor in pain, went to the bank, thought wonderful thoughts, ate ice cream, thought about a conversation I had on Easter with someone, came back home with the unsettling feeling in my gut that I needed to phone this lady.
So I phoned her unsure of what I should say but I though that maybe if I started with the basics God could handle the rest…

“Hey there my name is Leaha, you talked to my friend Jodi today”….
“Hi there Leaha I was waiting for your call”

From there we told each other our testimonies, our hearts, our fears, our visions (more like her amazing vision and my faithless vision) and then she prayed for me and explained how blessed I had made her day.

I got off the phone with her feeling pretty amazing because she recognized something in me that I have been trying to hide and repress without much luck because even though I become quiet and without words when deep things are happening in my head God still knows what is happening, and even if I don’t want to recognize it verbally he uses other people to bring those thoughts to life with their words.

To give a little bit of context to all of this I should explain some things. I have always had the heart and desire to be with people, to love people, to encourage people and to make people smile. I had the desire when I was younger to be a “missionary” and I did it. But my thoughts began to change about how and why it should be done to start with.
I am not a big proponent of people going into a place, telling the people about how their lives are bad and how they need Jesus, then leaving the place and going home feeling all happy inside, somehow this never seemed like the Gospel to me and I feel like it has left many people groups a little confused, mainly my own. I have seen too much hurt and disappointment in my own people because of things that have happened to them at the hands of religious people( in the form of residental schools) who used Jesus as their own tool for assimilation into the mainstream culture ( , more accurately put I still see and hear about it every time it gets brought up that I attend a church and believe in God and every time I see another family stuck in hopelessness to the extreme that drugs/alcohol and suicide become their only future.

I dont want this be the history of my people, I dont want to be another statistic, I dont want others to be ignorant about why these things occur, I dont want to be dispassionate and I defintly dont want to sit around well fed, well dressed, well educated and filled with the spirit of a God who moves mountains and whispers in the ears of his people to do something....

14 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds ? Can such faith save him? 15 Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. James 2.

Memories please

2008-03-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about the beautiful morning I had in the sunshine and how I love days when the temperature is just right but quickly changed my mind when I saw the snow….SNOW… it is not supposed to snow in March unless you are anywhere east of here…

so instead I thought I would write about what I found today in my parents basement, something small but significant … this picture of me… it is significant because not many pictures of little leaha exist…there are a few ( 2) on my grandmas wall and my mother has 3 pictures of me in the age range of 2-5… other then that there is no photographic evidence of my existence… there are reasons for this that are not really important besides the fact that my mom did what was best for me and her at the time.

I love finding old photos because I don’t remember my life from before 11 years of age except for the fact that i moved around alot. Some say that not remembering is for my own benefit, some say that it is normal… but those people at least have photos of their life…. and now I have one more to add to the collection and that is SWEET.

Phone Time

2008-03-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

You ever meet someone that you knew in the depths of who you are that you were/are suppose to know them? That person that makes you feels warm and alive and thankful because you get to be around them. Well I have someone in my life that I feel so grateful to know and knowing them is only possible because we both listened to something that told us to take a step and obey the voice of god in our lives.

This isn’t a romantic boy/girl relationship that I am talking about, but a deep rooted friendship with someone I have known for about four years. My friend Kat has been in my head for a while, my thoughts have been that I should just call her and make a date to hang out but often I just tell myself that I will do it later and then I forget, get distracted, get busy and the moment passes. Today I decided that I would not let the moment pass and called my friend. I phoned and we talked, we didn’t have any amazing heart wrenching conversation, nothing significant went down… but we talked.

Talking to Kat reminded me how grateful I am to know her, truthfully speaking she is one of my favorite people and I wish I could introduce her to everyone I know. She is one of those people that inspire me to press on, to stand for what I believe, to love, to give and to live unselfishly, and she does this by the way she lives her life. I think the difference between her and other people that I know is that I respect her and somehow that changes everything.

Being her friend makes me want to be a better friend, if I could only be a glimpse of light to the people around me like the light she is to me my heart would be satisfied.

Having great friend’s displays to me the impact that we can have with the people in our lives…we have the opportunity to be a positive and loving presence in peoples lives and this excites and freaks me out because there are so many hurting and fragile, so many who feel abandoned and depressed and it is so easy to judge instead of love and unfortunately I feel that I don’t love with the capacity that I have been given and I don’t want to be like that…. I want to be generous with my love, with my time…. with my life because when I really think about it my life was redeemed, I was bought with a heavy price and I do not want to take that for granted.

This is why I am glad I talked to my Kat.

Mess

2008-03-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

Recently it seems to be that I have become a clutz ( in america) ... last time I was here I spilled blood* on my boyfriends carpet..... and this time a bowl of salsa ! ....

It is getting annoying.... I have realized that I dont pay attention too well, but gosh dang it , why does it have to be so noticble here !

* I accidently cut myself with a wine glass

Oh Earl

2008-03-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have spoken before about my appreciation for tea

And although it is very true, I love me my tea

I often forget that the kind that I love and drink the most is full of caffeine

Caffeine that keeps my heart racing and my eyes open

Caffeine that will make it impossible to fall asleep at a decent time so that the indecent

time that I must awake will be brutal

like 3:55 am brutal !

on a brighter note I drank some amazing tea tonight :)

Maybe a little frustrated

2008-03-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

so many different thoughts in my head that are keeping my from a project that I need to be doing, so I figured I should write them out before my mind goes crazy.

Yesterday

I was kind of in an off mood during the day; it came after having an intense weekend with my youth group at a conference in Seattle.
I came to my boyfriend’s town to visit and hang out but found that the majority of the day kept me with my own self (it is definitely not boyfriend’s fault (he had to do something, and that something was amazing). I was trying to work through what it was that set my mood off and came to two conclusions;
1) I was emotionally spent after having conversation upon conversation with my kiddies (I love conversations BTW, I think I may just have needed some moments to myself to digest all that I learnt, heard and was asked)
2) I don’t know anyone in the town my boyfriend lives in so I kind of felt like his tail throughout the day, and I hate feeling like a tail. Dont get me wrong I am grateful just to be in a room with him, to be able to make eye contact with him and feel part of his life. I am just not use to not having my friends or family around me or at least in calling distance. I love people, I love being around them, phoning them, eating with them, bumming around with them …and the list goes on. It feels weird to me not to have any friends here besides my boyfriend and I think it may even bother me. I mean I realize that we have only been dating a short while but………. (I really have not but). It just bothers me.

Saturday

I don’t want to live my life in the middle. I want to be totally in it or not in it at all. I mean what’s the point to have one foot in and one foot out; this will eventually lead to tension within me. Hot or cold, please no warm!

Today

As I was waking up I realized that I have to find balance in my life. A way to ensure that my body, my friends, my spirit, my mind and all the things around me that I love are not neglected. I am not sure how to do this, I have never been good at it but I need to find balance.

Tomorow

I will love the rain.

I believe

2008-03-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

My heart is so light right now ...

I know these posts have been kind of short lately but I cant change my inability to think and write coherently, soon there will come a real update :)

Woot Woot Worthy

2008-03-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

Sweetness

HIS mercies are new each morning

and afternoon

and evening !

Direction

2008-03-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

I forget to easily what direction I am suppose to be heading in...

photo courtesy of the lovely leah tan

Let us imagine

2008-03-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Just two random “let us imagine’s”

Lets just imagine for a second that you were someone that I was serving at my store, here are a few pointers to make your time around me more pleasant!

1) Do not caress my hand when I am passing you your drinks ( I don’t know you, I don’t know where your hands have been, I don’t want your hands touching me)
2) Do not talk on your cell phone ( Come on now that is just plane rude, I am a person too, I exist, don’t you pretend that I don’t or else I may have to do something to your drink)
3) Eye contact please 
4) Men don’t be all flirty with me while your ladies are in the car sitting next to you, because you wanna know what that does to me? It brings a scowl to my face and no one wants to see that
5) Say thank you, ok so I know you just paid for your drink and have no real reason to say thank you, but its just common courtesy and who knows maybe the next time you come in we will treat you extra nice and give you free things ( manners go a long LONG way)

Now lets imagine you are someone who lives with me, these are the things you would know that most others don’t;

1) When I get in the first thing I say is “I neeeeeeed to get out of my clothes”, this happens no matter what I am wearing.
2) If my keys are missing, it is your fault
3) I love love love love drinking tea
4) I cant do anything productive in my room besides sleeping
5) I love having my bed made no matter how messy the rest of my room is
6) If my cell phone is missing, it is also your fault
7) What else is your fault? Well if I am gaining weight, that is too since it is your food I am eating
8) When I am not eating your food, I eat like a university student
9) I love touch and this is more noticeable in a home setting
10) Bread is mhmmmmmm yummy and that’s why it will always take up the most room In the freezer
11) I cant make a decent cup of coffee to save my life
12) I am always in a big rush, running from one place to the next to the next
13) And finally I love mugs ;)

p.s my mind has been feeling kinda empty lately, can someone fill it up?

DanG Cold

2008-03-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

I have a cold
or the begining or something turning into a cold

its pooey

my head is pulsing
my throat is sore
my ears are aching

whomever gave it to me will be found
I wasnt made for sickness :P

All I want is some tea, some warm arms and maybe a few advil ( if the warm arms dont do the trick)

Smiling

2008-03-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

I feel as if everything I was resisting has slowly melted away

I don’t have words to express what’s going on inside of me but its brilliant and beautiful and part of me wants to keep it secret but I cant because its written all over me,

on my face
in my presence
in my walk
in my eyes

I cant find the words to express myself because I don’t feel like they will be enough but I cant keep it quiet….

hmmm maybe I will just hug my roommate or my pillow or this warm cup of coffee in my hand ( Ya Ya i realize none of those things make noise but whatever)

Tonight

2008-02-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

Equation for a good night

Rain
Comfy Clothing
Glass of Wine
and a Good Book !

Questions

2008-02-26T17:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Me

Why do you always leave things to the last minute?
Why do you not say what you’re feeling?
Why won’t you just start liking cheese?
Why do you eat those vegan brownies when you promised yourself you wouldn’t?
Why don’t you spend more time doing what you love?
Why don’t you phone people back when you say you’re going to?
Why aren’t you nicer to your sister?
Why do you not dream of your wedding like every other girl in the world?
Why do apples taste so DANG good?
Why do you let him know that he makes you tingle?
Why don’t you start being more open?
Why don’t you spend more time with your Leah, Kat, Michelle, Morena and Jenn?
Why do you treat your baby, aka Petey, aka Car so bad by not cleaning it?
Why don’t you let yourself sleep more?
Why do you love coffee so much?
why do you love toast so much ( not bread but TOAST)?
and finally self why do you have to get old?

Kraft dinner

2008-02-23T20:17:00.002-08:00

You wanna know whats great?

Eating cold Mac and Cheese with Chili out of a casserole dish on my break from work

WOOT WOOT WOOT.

ps. its not really cheese!

Smile

2008-02-21T16:18:00.000-08:00

I just wanna smile at everyone I see !!!!

I guess it is one of those beautiful simple type days .

2008-02-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

You bring the sun out
You're the reason that I'm living, I was hurting but I'm happy again
You bring the sun out
Lord I wanna thank You 'cause
You bring the sun out, to make my love grow, you bring the sun out
You were there when I had nothing
You've been with me from beginning to end
Kirk Franklin

Sometimes I feel as if my mind is blank

And that the things that are really occupying that “space”, creating words and meaning are what I am seeing at that very moment or what I am going through … ( my memory sucks at remembering past feelings and emotions whether good or bad)

for instance; any other day the memory of me walking from my apartment in Montréal to McGill would never cross my mind, those moments hold nothing significant to my life, it was just boring routine to get me where I need to be, but today I thought about it and you wanna know why?

well while I was driving up to SFU the sun was shining, like crazy shine where one is unable to see 5 feet in front of themselves and has to drive really slow for fear that they may drive off the mountain into the city below, well the crazy sunshine reminded me of a song called “Sunshine” by Kirk Franklin
And well my old roommate Jon was the one who introduced me to Kirk the summer that I use to walk to McGill..The way I passed my time was listening to this music. And then because of that I thought about my friend R and Steph and the most amazing summer I have had to date because of the involvement of these two people in my life, which made me smile because like I said before I tend to forget things easily and now I have this memory brought back to life in my mind.

so I don’t really know if this goes with the point I was trying to make, but I really do think my mind is blank most of the time. If someone asks me what I am thinking and I tell them “nothing” I am being honest...its that or I am thinking something so insignificant like “hmm my knee is itchy” and I don’t want to share that.

ok enough of this procrastination buisness for today, i came to SFU to study !

Doubting

2008-02-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

All I wanna do is swear
All I wanna do is swear
Last night all I wanted to do was swear

My body felt a huge weight last night with all the heaviness feeling like a hole was being burnt through my stomach and heart. I tried to sleep/pray/think it all away, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t even really think straight or point specifically to what it was that made me feel that way, just that I felt that way and I desperately wanted it to disappear.

My roommate tried to help me work through what it was,
Maybe doubt? -doubt in myself, in his grace and plan, doubt in the situation, my future, my present… she prayed for me and it brought peace for the moment …

This morning the heaviness has lightened but the doubts are still there….

God doesn’t want us to be confused right?

He doesn’t want us to hurt anyone either right?

Did I miss something in this journey?

I was at a meeting and one of my friends was praying for me and as he was praying i was thinking that what he was saying was right on....every single word meant something, it freaked me out in the best way... all i know is that right now I wanna do what I am suppose to do, go through this life with a sense of his plan and without complaining about the situation but instead allow God to use it and me for whatever it is that he has....

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to Ginny Owens

Petey Time

2008-02-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I went for a little walk today to enjoy the amazing sunshiny weather, while walking the conversation touched on a few subjects but found itself on cuddling and napping and our views on it, but all I could think about was “ sheeesh so not the time for talking/thinking about it” !

I have said before that I spend a lot of time in my little civic aka “petey”, so yesterday while I was driving to my mentor Jodi’s place I felt a voice inside me saying over and over again that “ when I am weak I am very strong”,
I am not sure what it means beyond the basic message that when I am weak I am actually strong (simple eh!). Right now I am going to take it as;
1) A good reminder/promise as I go into this next week
And as
2) A framework to go about dealing and thinking about those things I consider my own weaknesses and maybe not focus on trying to change them but letting my Creator use them for whatever purpose he sees fit!

Say what you want, mean what you say
Remember the deepest seeds still find the light of day
Do as you please, and be who you be
I'm telling you, this thing's gonna bring you to your knees DC Talk

Miss you

2008-02-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
Incubus

I was out with one of my kiddies last night and she gave me something to think about, she was talking about the idea of missing people and I guess she caught on that I might have been missing a certain person that was driving through my city, past the exit to my place at that moment.

Well what she told me was comforting, it went something like this “when we miss someone it confirms part of our feelings for that person” as if my feelings/insides/thoughts were telling me that there is something here between us which is worthy of missing. While she was talking I was thinking about a conversation me and T had the night prior. He was telling me how this (us + distance) “is a kind of wonderful torturous emotion” and he is right it is all of that and more.

To be honest I just wanted to be there with him, next to him, smelling him, holding him near, hugging him,cooking with him, anything! Potentially just doing nothing but being near, but things don’t work that easily, life and borders and kilometers get in the way. And the reality is that we dont always have things the way we want them(probably some sort of messed up beautiful blessing)and I think I am alright with that, I think I have to be !

Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel that missing feeling all the time but there are moments

little moments
wonderful moments
torturous moments.

Woot Woot X 2

2008-02-14T13:38:00.000-08:00

It has just reached noon and my day has been more then superb!

It was a busy day at work, someone didn’t show up, another person was late and there was a huge accident that closed the street down from my house up to the highway because of an incident involving a man, a light post and a bus which amounted to many travelers late for work and in need of a coffee fix, so instead of the normal morning rush happening between 630 -8, it instead happened from 9-10 and bless my soul I was in drive through to receive all these rushed, frantic, lazy “I don’t want to get out of my car and come in the store” caffeine deprived beings.
In the middle of this episode while my brain was half falling out because of these people my manager comes up to me and says that there is someone around the corner wanting to talk to me, I look around the corner and see no one I recognize but she tells me to go to the man standing over there, so I go and he lifts up the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and hands them towards me while all the baristas and customers have their gaze on me…I blush, go into the back of the store, start smiling, return, continue smiling, go back to my drive through where my manger tells every person coming through that I just received flowers and to disregard the stupid smile on my face, which just happens to lead to more of a smile because I get the “awwwws, and how sweets”…. this in turn leads my fellow baristas to write a note and stick it on my back …here is a photo of the note and the flowers….

Whatever strength I thought I had to fight “this” is slowly dissolving, I mean who can fight surprises like this… who can fight a guy who surprises a girl with her favorite flowers that show up at just the right time to bring the half of my brain back that seemed to disappear because of all the crazy people… who can fight when they really don’t want to….and finally …hmm I couldn’t think of one precise finally except for
THANKS BABY and WOOT WOOT!

Woot Woot

2008-02-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking about C and the relationship that I had with him for four years of my life and to be honest it was wonderful, beautiful, intense, enjoyable, draining, mad and well pretty great, I thought we would be together “forever” and that’s what almost happened. As I have talked to friends over the past couple years about what I experienced I have come to realize that even though what we had was awesome it wasn’t what was suppose to be. With all the love I had towards him, with all the great memories and passion it still wasn’t right, i wasnt in love with him. For a year of my life I tried to get out, I never had a concrete reason I just knew I needed out, I knew that something just didn’t sit well inside of me and that I was losing what it was that made me me, so I prayed and prayed and eventually found myself living 2000 miles away with three girls but still deeply connected to him… I didn’t understand it beyond the fact that he was great and I was a chicken …but why do I talk about this?

well as I was thinking this through it occurred to me that with all the things that were great in our relationship, he still wasn’t the person for me and this brings me to the thought that if I could have an amazing relationship with someone who isn’t right for me, how much more amazing will it be when the person is right!

This thought excites me!

I dont know what the future has in store but I know that there is plan that is far beyond anything that I can imagine and that what I want to live in, his plan.

My roomate was playing this song and it seemed fitting, or something close to fitting...its just good and cheerful and it makes me want to give love away.

Dddddriving !

2008-02-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

1)I need some new driving music since driving is the 3rd most thing I seem to be doing with my time, so help me out…… what kind of music would you want to drive to ( or be a passenger to for my non driving friends) ?
(Kat I want your opinion 2 since you are one of my fav driving peeps)

2)I received this email below on Friday….

yo girl.

this is a personal question and i hope you don't mind and get mad. If you don't want to disclose, please don't. i mean no disrespect to you and if this hurts my apologies. Are you Two-spirited like me. I was just wondering. I"m glad we're facebok friends and do consider you a good friend. i'm not on campus that much anymore, and miss you all. gotta run girl. Hugs.

Now I have to admit it gave me a chuckle but it also got me wondering if I do act in a way that make others believe I am two spirited…I think maybe I will stop hugging and smiling so much…..

at least for the rest of the day…

ok so i have thought about it a little more and I don’t know if that will work out because well someone has me smiling already… we can call him boyfriend…hmm yes boyfriend..

Something like a prayer

2008-02-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

I was driving and over and over and over again these lyrics were playing in my head, in my ears, in my heart consuming my thoughts;

"A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
Im caught in your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"

These were also there, but even more so as they have become something like a prayer recently

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity"

As the days go on it becomes ingrained in my spirit that without my creator I am unable to love , to care, to accept, to be nice and to forgive, all of it means nothing without his spirit living in me pulling me towards his will, his mercies and causing me to believe that I am caught in grace.
I want to share love and joy and peace with people, with my friends, families and strangers but I know that the way that it has been done in the past by people who have similar beliefs as me is not the way that I am called to , what do I believe my calling is?

To
Love,
Period!

Lists

2008-02-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

‘Being fully human is our job. thinking and laughing and arranging and creating and relating and designing and nurturing and responding and reacting and pondering when googling became a verb and wondering and exploring and meditating and acting and making long lists of verbs and calling and talking and feeling and sharing and doubting if this paragraph is ever going to end and teaching and learning and jumping on a trampoline and signing and celebrating and dancing and turning to the person next to you and saying “ This is living”

You can make your own list because you know what it is that makes you feel alive, what it is that feeds your soul, what it is that reminds you that the goal is to be fully human. What’s on your list? “ ( Sex God, Rob Bell)

Here is mine;

Dreaming and singing and running really fast and drawing stupid pictures and reading amazing books, and showering and praying and loving and believing when it hurts and sharing and feeling and crying when I want to, talking, and hiking and sleeping and smiling and hugging, and hugging more and playing and fighting and giving up and drinking water and tea and wine and lying on the floor and holding hands and not fighting or giving up and driving and walking and smoking cigars on tops of mountains and in old cold cities and being me when me is a brat and always smelling good .

About a boy

2008-02-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

So conversations

My dad has been gone for a couple weeks, in a couple weeks things can change.

Me: DAAAAAD, how are you?
Dad: Tired, How are you? You sound good.
Me: Dad, things are pretty sweet.
Dad: That’s good, what have you been doing lately, school and work I suppose?
Me: Yes School and work. Well Dad to be honest I kind of met someone
but please don’t worry.
Dad: Hmmm did you meet him at church?
Me: umm no, at Starbucks
Dad: He asked you out at work?
Me: No, but I met him at a Starbucks
Dad: So he is not a customer?
Me: No
Dad: How did you meet him?
Me: How did I meet him (Jenn starts laughing), well umm dad randomly, I think
It would be better to talk about this in person.
Dad: I can come right now?
Me: DAD!
Dad: Ok well is he a Christian at least?
Me: Definitely
Dad: Where does he live?
Me: In the states, not to far away
Dad: The states! Have you been driving slowly?
Me: Of course dad
Dad: LeahA just take it slow, there are so many fish in the sea
Me: Dad I am in the basket
Dad: You are in the basket
Me: Yes I am in the basket
Dad: You’re kind of a little young to be dating, no?
Me: Dad I am going to be 24 in a month!
Dad: Are you sure? Well I will pick you up for coffee tomorrow ok!
Me: Dad don’t worry, I am in the basket and I love you.
Dad: I am going to pray, text me later to say goodnight.
Me: Goodnight.

Stomack !

2008-02-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

I cant eat... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !

Sweetness :)

2008-02-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

How does ones day get better?

First--- really simple things make me smile so today at work I was really cold because I was working at the window that never closes because it’s a frikin drive thru Starbucks that I work at and I wasn’t able to leave so my friend Arthur went without me noticing and brought me my jacket …then the smile that I already had plastered on my face became brighter!

Second--- I get to see “online boy” today and that makes my knees a little weak!

Third--- Getting to talk to my roommate and have her listen to me…. I am pretty sure I am getting annoying but there she still stands and smiles and I think that is just wonderful

:)

The Sunday after Saturday

2008-02-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

I apologize in advance for this not being a very engaging blog !

So

Yesterday

Actually I don’t know how to write about the date because part of me feels that if I do I will not serve the day any justice in my explanation but I also don’t think its fair to not explain to you what a very awesome first date looks like.

In true girl fashion I am still trying to process things since it has yet to be a full day since the adventure ended.

Let me just say these 3 things;

-I arrived there at 9 30am ish and by 1pm I was complaining about how fast the time was passing by ( and gosh dang it 14ish hour together didnt seem like enough..haha)

-After a month of talking everyday any of my expectations were totally blown away (even if he did make me use an outhouse and cut my hand)

And

-The whole date I was filled with butterflies right up until the bitter end.

I think I may write more later when things are less fuzzy and I have more sleep in my system!

Saturday

2008-02-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

So it’s Saturday

The day I meet him The person who has stolen my sleep, my smiles, my thoughts and text messages
The person that I want to like as much in person as on paper

I guess I am at that point where I am not really scared about meeting him but more so about liking him …. I meet people everyday and it is always great

One of my “kids” told me once that whoever I end up going out with will have to be pretty awesome, and I would like to agree with that…. I actually do agree with it for two reasons

1) If they aren’t I have too many friends who will let me know their thoughts about it and I want to spare my ears the trouble

2) Only awesome people can see my draw…hahahahah (kidding)

I gotta stop with this seriousness for a bit….. So with that being said I am going to go and doll up my bedroom eyes (thank you partners at work for that name), eat a bowl of cereal, drink some warm water and continue getting dressed!

Oh yes and I can’t forget….. Make myself smell like something fabulous!

and plus if it doesnt work out i can still have him

Dilemma

2008-02-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

So besides this bringing a smile to my face today something else has been causing an itch in my brain...

WHAT THE HELL DO I WEAR TOMOROW (for my date thiny)????

Ok so I am not one to care all that often about what I am suppose to wear but I am a girl and this is one of those things that girls think about...at least I think they do....someone help me out here...

This is what one of my students Noah told me to do;
1) Be myself... in which I replied " but what does that self wear? And
2) Wear my army hat and match everything else from there ! ( he thinks army hats look hot on girls..... maybe when i was 16?!)

This is why it is no good to ask boys!

I mean its logical to think about it because the clothes I wear can give off cues to how I want to be treated, looked at, handled.... as well as a glimpse into my personality ( yes I believe clothes can do that) ......hmmm maybe I am just justify it.

ahhhhhhh man.... maybe I should just call it off..... I hate nerves.... I hate clothes..... I hate caring!

Taking Chances

2008-01-30T23:34:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been on a real date in a long time. I have hung out/gone out/chilled with guys before but I don’t think those moments count because they kind of just happened upon me as if it was suppose to be that way. In the summer I hung out with 'J' a lot and although he would never admit it, we were dating, we just never went on a date.

I think the difference between that and this is that this is intentional, personal and there is the little factor of me having a crush. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just not care but I don’t think that is possible when me and T basically talk every night on the phone which is mixed in with all those other random moments on msn and webcam……

I think the reason I set my self up against it in the beginning is that I came to believe that the only people who would use these types of sites would be the anti-social, stinky, annoying, creepy and a bit boring type and I don’t want to believe that that is me.

So sushi, cookie making and wine drinking here I come, wish me luck!

P.S If it doesn’t work out It always makes for some self debasing humor and a good blog. Plus life is about taking chances right?

Rain

2008-01-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

More advice

If you live in Vancouver and its raining don’t use an umbrella. Sounds absurd I know since you will most likely mess everything from you knees up but it’s not absurd...

For example today I went out with an umbrella to stop the rain from touching my pretty hair, and well what do you know while I was walking the darn thing decided to fly away from me leaving me with just the handle...

I stopped and looked around and saw everyone looking at me inwardly hearing them laugh and say " oh that poor girl and her pretty hair”.....

The logic with not having an umbrella is that you will dress more appropriately, like with rain jacket, hats and gum boots....so throw those umbrellas away because you never know when they will fly away on you leaving you a mess.

Dont do it !

2008-01-30T15:19:00.000-08:00

Advice:

Do not watch cute girlie movies before you plan on going on a date....

FRIK I am getting nervous, can someone slap me?!?! ( Not you Leah)

Giggling on the stoop

2008-01-29T21:02:00.001-08:00

so me and my roommate have found out that we have our very own “porch, stoop” type area … you know the place were two old women sit and gossip about the going ons of their community…well we have that place and its in the form of my bedroom window…just today I found myself yelling at the charter bus that was trying to turn a tight corner that my car just happens to happily sit…my mind could almost hear that big bus hitting my little baby….and then just moments ago I heard male voices in front of the “porch” and I sneakily turned off my lights, and looked out to see what appeared to be two young guys trying to explain Mormonism to our landlords…quickly I called my roomie in to aid in the spying and this is when we decided that my bedroom window is our “porch” metaphorically speaking of course. Here is what it looks like when one looks out of our porch :)

In my mind

2008-01-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

There have been some thoughts lingering around in my head, these thoughts have birthed into words found below, words that are not mine but none the less fully expressive of what it looks like in my head today.
So thank you Douglas Coupland and Michael Tolcher.

“ When you’re young, you always feel like life hasn’t yet begun-that “life” is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year-after the holidays-whenever. But then suddenly you’re old and your scheduled life didn’t arrive. You find yourself asking, “Well then, exactly what was it I was having-that interlude-the scrambly madness-all that time I had before” (Coupland, 147)

While I was working out today I was listening to this song called “Waiting” which I have heard a thousand times before, well while I was running I just kept listening to it over and over and over again and I was trying to figure out what about it that was resonating with me…and it was the message of life….life right now….living in my story….not waiting for things to begin because they have….just like the Quote above from one of my new reads “ Life After God”. I don’t live enough in right now……

Somewhere off in the distance,
On the other side of your resistance
Lies, a peaceful existence
It waits
What a difference it makes
Without boundaries, no limits, no maximum reach
No guidelines to follow
One promise to each his own
Individual
A self-destination
A wide-open journey
on a path to
Creation
Your
Life
Is
Happening
Now
(Tolcher)

Contemplation

2008-01-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

When I was on TREK a couple years back we had Eden Jersak come in and teach us a session on hearing the voice of God was . One of the activities she had us go through was to contemplate the words of a song. I felt that this was valuable on many levels back in those days because it aided me in looking at my own condition and allowing my spirit to be spoken to without feeling totally freaked out (In those days I thought anything spiritual had the tendency to freak me out) …

I thought it would be nice to do this once again, and with the song that she choose for us.

The song is Oh Jerusalem by Lauren Hill…… what she had us do was replace “Oh Jerusalem” with our own name …the lyrics and song are below if you choose to engage yourself.

Oh Jerusalem yeah, oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem...

Realizing that there's no place else to go
And there's nobody I know who can help here
Text book solutions are so improbable
Cuz everybody else is just as empty
Naked as the day that I was born, I tried to hide
Behind education and philosophy
Hopeless explanation to describe a situation
I can't see because the world's on top of me

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me
From the body of this death
Freeing me from dust, and the superficial trust
Of an enemy that seeks to take my breath
Failing to connect, cuz I'm morally defect
By reason of the God inside my head
Causing me to see, only what pertains to me
Believing I'm alive when I'm still dead
Limited to earth, unable to find out my worth
Cuz I can't see past my own vanity
If I'm not included, then I just have to remove it
From my mind because it has to be insanity

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me
From the body of this death
Can I even factor, that I've only been an actor
In this staged interpretation of this day
Focused on the shadow, with my back turned to the light
Too intelligent to see it's me in the way
What a paradox, having God trapped in a box
All this time professing to be spiritual
Naturally pretending, that I'm actually defending
God through my façade, only material

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou may be saved from thy deception
How long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, oh Jerusalem
Keeping thee from perfection

Submit to truth, leave the deception of thy youth
So we can walk in the council of authority
Forget the proof, a generation so aloof
Only following the steps of the majority
Trust in the Lord, with all thy heart
And lean not to thine own understanding in all thy ways
Acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths
Be not wise in thine own eyes that you can’t follow him
We judge and condemn, just as ignorant as them
Who religion tells us that we should ignore
Perpetrating we're in covenant with Him
Exposed by the very things that we adore
We grin and shake hands, then lay ambush for the man
Who has a different point of view than us
Infuriated cuz he doesn't understand
Bringing up those things we don't want to discuss
Why still do evil, we don't know how to do good
Walking on in darkness running from the light, ey
Led to believe, because we live in neighborhoods
Telling us what's going on will be alright
Oh so repressed, so convinced that I was blessed
When I played with my game of Monopoly
Oh to suggest, that my life is still a mess
To reveal the pride I'm hiding is what's stopping me

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou may be saved from thy deception
How long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, oh Jerusalem
Keeping them from perfection

Abide in me and I in you, as the branch cannot bare
Fruit of itself except in the vine
I am the vine, ye are the branches, He that live in me
And I in him, the same bring forth much fruit
But without me, you can do nothing, oh Jerusalem
You're traditions have deceived you
I've chosen you, you haven't chosen me
And whatsoever, you ask in my name he may give to you
But in vain they call my name, teaching doctrines just the same
Justified among themselves
But God knoweth the heart, what man esteems as smart
Is an abomination to Emmanuel
Just repent, turn from selfish motivation
So iniquity will not cause your demise
Make you a new heart and a new spirit for why would He die
Oh Jerusalem, please tell me why
I have no pleasure in the death of Him to die
Says the Lord God whereforth turn yourselves and live
It's not the talkers, but the walkers in His word
Are the only ones the Father will forgive

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou may be saved from thy deception
How long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, oh Jerusalem
Providing you no protection

Oh Jerusalem...

The Verge

2008-01-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

I was on the verge, I am on the verge.

I am not sure which type of verge exactly but I think that will work itself out as I write.

You ever feel like you are on the verge?
-the verge of tears
-the verge of giving up
-the verge of giving in
-the verge of cursing
-the verge of screaming
-the verge of doing something thoughtless
-the verge of a breakdown

How about being on the verge
-of something beautiful
-of something completely freeing
-of something raw
-of something beyond yourself

What if you were on the verge of writing something amazing and then realized you had no paper and by the time you got home your amazing thought was now forever part of the past?

I was on the verge a while back of doing something thoughtless that was only going to utilize the section of my brain that screams “ME”. I was on the verge of acting faithless because I forgot that he would remain faithful because he can not deny himself. I didn’t want to do what was right even though I wasn’t even doing the wrong that I was thinking I wanted to do, make sense?

Now I am still on the verge, the verge of something beautiful the verge of giving in, giving up and screaming freedom. Giving up the constructed me to become the real me in him, Giving up the fake niceties that have people liking me without ever knowing me, Giving in to his plans, his love and his reality. Screaming freedom because he came here to set me free from the law, from the rules, from the religion and from the status-quo.

Blogging

2008-01-22T09:42:00.000-08:00

I haven't been a very consistent blogger for the last couple months, sorry.

There have been many interesting things happening in my life and not just the physical concrete things but spiritual as well. I feel as If I want to share it with people but don't know how to convey the depth of it all.

I was reading Shaun Groves the other day and came across this shlog of his about the 10 blog basics and I don't think I meet any of them...
I don't Write accurately and regularly.
I don't Make every post worth reading.
I don't Write short witty posts, long in-depth posts, lists, stories, personal stuff, ask questions, teach something, post audio and video and pictures, invent something, pick a fight, mix it up....
Ok so maybe I do a little bit of that but I don't feel I have the passion for thought and writing as my roommate does or the creativity and deepness as my Leah has....

I wanna tell you whats happening with me ;inside me, around me, through me, beside me but I become so unaware and self centered that I forget, stop caring and become lazy.

Half Baked

2008-01-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

I have been doing so well lately....
eating right
working out consistently
sleeping when I can

But today I failed bitterly !

I ate a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys :(

I can justify it

I dont want to though.

But I will;
I went to the dentist, she froze my mouth, so I figured I should give it a treat for going through the pain.

My body is now saying " why why why"

I want a love like this type of Love

2008-01-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Because of one of my roomate's friends and my lack of tv, I Have been watching a lot of def jam poetry.... I came across this one a couple weeks ago and thought it was worth sharing, well they are all worth sharing but this one is ummm cute ( sorry Jenn I know you dont like that word) ... So enjoy it and maybe check out some other poets from defjam on youtube.

4--->3

2008-01-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

I dropped the class

I dont feel bad or guilty about it, I kinda feel free !

Cant Sleep

2008-01-13T01:21:00.000-08:00

Some days I wish that I could just be a full time student without any other responsibilities like work, family, church, relationships and health.
Things would be a whole lot easier, I could just study, drink coffee and only worry about essays, tests and sounding smart in tutorials.

Some days I just want to go to sleep without brushing my teeth. Yucky I know (belive me I know, I use to be obsessed with my teeth) and since it seems like the only thing I have control over in my life right now I think I will go to bed without doing it.

Some days my mind is confused trying to figure out if I should drop a class, which would mean I have 3 instead of 4. The urge to do this is huge but I want to be smart about it....its not a required class but I think I may need it along the way. So pleae tell me what to do .....well give me a sign that that is what I am suppose to do.

First Day

2008-01-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

Its the first day back at school and the same recurring feeling surges in my body that I wasnt made for school.

This feeling ushually appears during exams or essay writing

but here it is felt and I have yet to go to my first class.

Stupid Online Dating Website

2008-01-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

I can’t write anymore, an epidemic has hit.

All I can do is smile
and wonder
and then complain to Jenn that its all her fault that I am smiling all the time.

I like it I think
I am confused for sure.
I don’t know whats going to happen next.
I kinda wanna hug someone.
I don’t want to give into it.
I wanna beat myself up.
I wanna beat Jenn up.
I wanna beat up the boy that has me smiling too.

computers are whack !

Online

2008-01-03T06:20:00.000-08:00

Its 6 20 am and I am on my 30 min break from work already, sick eh !

So I have been thinking alot about this whole online dating buisness and how odd and exciting it all is. Because of the site I am talking to this really interesting person that I would have otherwise never talked to or probably even noticed. I am not sure what it all means or what will become of it. Sometimes I wonder if I have lost all my marbles, but then my roomate kinda reminded me that there is not much difference from talking to this guy then randomly meeting someone on the street. I actually probably know more about him then I do about a guy that comes into starbucks everyday, who could very well be a jerk! All I know is it is pretty interesting seeing how this type of relationship progress, I know it seems weird and unnatural but hmmm I dont know..... just thought I would share what I have been up 2 these last 3 days......its all just been a major welcomed distraction.

Computers

2008-01-01T20:12:00.000-08:00

Since I dont own a TV I have found that I have become addicted to my computer, a while back my roomate got me addicted to Def Jam Poetry on youtube! A couple of weeks ago she pointed out this specific one about facebook and myspace, and I feel like I have been leaning towards what this girl has to say about the whole online community thing... enjoy!

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Z7vqXxw3Os0&rel=1">

(P.S i dont know how to remove those letter thingys from above the video so just pretend that they should be there)

Priggish

2007-12-30T23:34:00.000-08:00

I went to 10th ave tonight with my dad, leah and gloryorya.... my roommate usually comes but she decided to spend some quality time with her parents ( who does that anymore) well anyways it was a good night because I learnt a new word and I saw my roommates crush, which just so happens to be my crush ! I embarrassed myself when I dropped my pen on the lame ant floor and everyone looked at me..Such is life eh!
Well besides seeing my roommates crush (just to remind everyone it has been well over a month since me and Jenn have seen him..Sigh***) I also learned a new word.. PRIG.... have you heard of it before? Cause I sure haven’t.. (Leah I know you have since you are writing a blog about it...punk) ... well I think the best way to explain this new word is to describe my friend Leah (or Charles Dickens' portrait of the day-nurse Betsy Prig) since she so accurately potrays the meaning of the word!!!
She believes she is right, she wants to prove it to the word by telling them what to do, she is a person who demonstrates an exaggerated conformity or propriety, especially in an irritatingly arrogant or smug manner, which basically means she is snot (and yes the kind that comes out of your nose is included too )..she has too be right all the time and she uses her education to prove herself against me..gosh I cant help that I was born in society that doesnt place a high value on it...so if u have a priggish friend i recommend you sell them and see what you can get...or maybe just keep beating them at card games such as dutch blitz to show them that there priggy ways will not be put up with.

Saturday Nights

2007-12-29T18:56:00.000-08:00

I finished my red velvet “secrets” journal today before work. I have been writing in it since March of 2006… I am a slow writer.

I did this personality quizy thing last night and it told me what I kinda already know to be true… I am friendly, outgoing, fun...blah blah … well today I had to work at another Starbucks location and I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know what the people would be like before going in, people scare me sometimes, especially people I have to work with. I decided to journal a bit to clear my head and as I was writing I realized that I would be fine because for the most part people like me ( this isn’t mean to puff myself up). I get along with people; I smile at people and basically charm them (ok I hate using that word, but it fits best). I want people to like me and I want to like people. This is sometimes a problem though. What’s the problem you ask?

One of the reasons I get along with people is that I accommodate them (this is what writing has shown me); I want people to feel comfortable, liked and affirmed. I don’t want people to not feel loved because I don’t like feeling it myself. A couple weeks back I went out with a friend and she told me that I don’t really bring my friends together, or let them meet each other. I don’t do this purposely; I am just selfish and like having people to myself. Well what she said is also true, I am not sure how to accommodate two people at one time. What if they don’t like each other? What if one of them smells and you don’t want the other to notice? What if they end up liking each other more then me? You know stuff like that. Someone give me a solution please

Another topic: Boys

So I have been in communications with S recently, I am not sure what it means or why I am doing it, I just know that I am doing it and I like it. I feel like me and him have been on and off forever without ever really being on, in my roommates terminology kind of like a pseudo-relationship. We did date for a bit a couple years back ( I cant even believe that it has been a couple years :p) and I really liked him then, I don’t think I like him the same way, at least I don’t think I do. I also know that I say this sitting in Vancouver and if I was in Montreal (were he is) my feelings might be different…
Stupid feelings
Or
Maybe
Stupid distance?

My roommate also got me hooked into a website
A dating website…..
It’s really a weird phenomenon, I don’t feel like I am looking for someone or need this site to find that someone (I am not against these types of sites) but it is interesting to look around and chat with people and let your mind wonder at possibilities. I dont know whats going to happen with it, maybe nothing but some mind distractions other then facebook(which is evil) and books ( which are not evil...by the way, I just finished "Life After God" by Douglas Coupland and highly recommend it)

Confession time:
I once met someone off of a website (not a dating site, but myspace) and it went wonderful, we actually met in TimeSquare (a girls gotta be safe you know). Maybe this is the season for meeting new people!

Bed

2007-12-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling you get when your outside on a cold day and your nose is really cold and all you wanna do is hide it under your jacket?

Well I feel that right now while I am sitting under my covers in my bed !

2007-12-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

I realized why I have been such a crank… stupid one week of the month! It’s not as though I forgot it would happen I just always forget that it’s the reason that Mean Leaha comes into existence, at least with more force!

I am writing right now with no real plan to write, usually that’s what I need to write or my roommate being around, but I haven’t seen much of her because she is a popular lady( lady is not to imply old, kinda more like respectable) and I leave before she is up and go to bed before she returns.

Today I woke up her at 430am, I didn’t want to because if someone woke me up that early I would attack them. I had to, the power went off and I am scared of the dark and she needed to go to work and not be late.

My smiley came into today, I know his name, I found it out last week. I am not going to share his name because smiley is just a better fit ( he kind of has an old man name). My co-worker told me he is probably not good enough for me, its probably true since he picks starbucks coffee over Tim Horton’s. I love Tim Horton’s coffee.

I am kind of tired right now and hungry and cold. I am also content and comfy.

It’s raining and grey and a bit windy, I think I may take a nap.

oh ya I love that school is out !

Not Studying

2007-12-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

I am trying to study right now but don’t have the concentration capabilities needed.
I am sitting in Renaissance drinking tea and this cute dog is looking at me. I think he thinks I am going to pet him. I don’t think he realizes that there is a window in between us.

I have been unsure about what I believe for a what seems like a long while, well I mean I know what I believe but I don’t believe that I can live it… maybe I am looking too much into it, maybe I just think this way cause I am moody.
I have been moody quite a bit… I just want to be alone, ok maybe not actually alone but I don’t want people to be near unless I want them near.

When I was out with Leah, I wanted her near but maybe that’s because I trust her. Like she could say something mean to me and I could call her on it and all would be well…I trust her with my moodiness.
Or my Kat, I think my Kat is wonderful in an inspiring way. She isn’t typical. I like that she doesn’t complain about stuff and then not do something about it (did that sentence make sensecause I just re read it and it might not make sense). I like being around her because she has a great energy and she is accepting of the fact that I am indigenizing her.

My mom phoned me last night, I miss my mom.

I like the feeling of leaving things to the last minute. That type of stress makes me move (and no I am not justifying my lack of studying).

I don’t like having conversations right when I wake up… I don’t hear anything except my body saying how cold it is.

What kind of career does one have when they are a relationship person with a bad memory?

My tea tastes very good.

The cute dog is gone.

Ohhh a great song is on “Music is played for love

Cruising is made for love, I love it when were cruisin together"

Meh

2007-12-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

I can’t write I just don’t got it in me!

What I can do is;
Sleep
Eat
Sleep
Work
Eat
Drink tea
Read books
Walk around in circles
and take showers.

Not your erotic, not your exotic

2007-12-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

I have been talking with my roommate recently about my struggle with the way I keep my hair.
I Colour my hair and receive comments on how the light Colour suits me.
Sometimes I feel as if I keep coloring it to keep the attention… to sell my self out to what mainstream says is beautiful ( light long hair)
I use to have dark hair, I also use to get all these comments on how exotic I looked… my roommate calls it something like orientalism which is interpreted to refer to the study of the East by Westerners shaped by the attitudes of the era of European imperialism, it implies old-fashioned and prejudiced outsider interpretations of Eastern cultures and peoples.
ok so maybe people don’t mean it in a negative way, maybe people don’t realize that I am first nations and that the way I look is local. Well regardless I asked my roommate to write a blog about it because she would make it sound fancier, she sent me a link of a poet named Suheir Hammad… I went there but instead of posting the video I thought it would be nicer just to be able to write what she spoke!

Not Your Exotic, Not your Erotic

Don’t wanna be you’re exotic like some dark, fragile colorful bird, imprisoned, caged in a land foreign to the stretch of her wings

Don’t wanna be your exotic
Women everywhere
Look
Just
Like
Me
Some taller, darker, nicer then me but like me just the same.
Women everywhere carry my nose on their faces, my name on their sprits
Don’t seduce your self with my otherness!
My hair wasn’t put on top my head to incite you into some mysterious black voodoo, the beat of my lashes against each other aint some dark desert beat,
It’s just a blink,
Get over it!

Don’t build around me your fetish, fantasy, your lustful profanities to cage me in, clip my wings.

"Don’t wanna be your exotic

your loving of my beauty ain't more than
funky fornication plain pink perversion
in fact nasty necrophilia
cause my beauty is dead to you
I am dead to you.

Not your
harem girl geisha doll banana picker
pom pom girl pum pum shorts coffee maker
town whore belly dancer private dancer
la malinche venus hottentot laundry girl
your immaculate vessel emasculating princess
don't wanna be

not your erotic
Not you’re exotic