What!

I feel as if I am living someone elses life right now, more specifically in these last 24 hours.

I had a crappy crappy new years eve day and night
anD
I had a wonderful realization of Gods love.

My husband did something yesterday that now requires consequences to his actions, leaving me alone and semi worried ( only because I dont have any information on his situation/condition) but along with the heaviness in my heart there is a comfort.

God has shown me how much he cares for me by sending people my way or sending me to people as a strength and reassurance of his plan.

I have felt more loved in these last 24 hours by God's people here in Anacortes then ever before.

Doors have been opened
Food has been served
Shoulders have been given
Prayers have been said

and the majority of my anger and fear has dissolved...

I feel completely bare and motionless right now as I am unaware of what my next task is...should I do laundry, should I take the dog for a walk, should I eat, should I pray, should I cry, should I pretend nothing happened, should I prepare for when he comes home, should I just sit and be still?


I want this to be a dream, I want to wake up next to the man I love and forget these past two days.

Why I am no good in Relashionships.

I went out with my Mom today to an area that I spent the majority of my childhood when I wasn’t on the reservation.

My dad also called me today; it has been almost a year since I have heard from him.

These two things occurring made me think about why I am the way I am. This isn’t meant to be a “woe is me account” but a reflection on why I am not good in relationships.
I met my dad when I was 10 and since then he has been in and out of my life…periods from 2 months to just under 3 years because of shame he feels with his drinking and alcohol use. He never thinks himself good enough to be around me and I just want him around.
When I was growing up with my mom there were many times I was sent to live with relatives or in foster homes… she had a messed up childhood living on Rez and did the best she could with me but found herself in situations were she left me… all the time, with people I didn’t want to be with, people who hurt me.
I felt abandoned. I didn’t get it. I was young.

It makes sense to me why 3 out of the 4 relationship thingy’s I have been in have happened with people who don’t live remotely close to me. If they are far away naturally they cant leave me… the sick thing is the way I justify it is my manipulating the “guard your heart” passage.

I wish I wasn’t left all the time, I wish I trusted more, I wish my dad would believe the words I say when I tell him that he matters, that his is worth it in his messiness.

The funny thing is, this is why I love people, why I was made for other people. It breaks me when I met people who are hurting because hurt is someone I am well aquatinted with and someone I don’t want to pass to another or allow anyone to live with.
It’s about living beyond me.
It’s about love.