Lost in my own thoughts again

I am hard on myself to the point that it causes me to be my own self-inflicted stumbling block.

I want to deal with everything myself so I barely talk about how I am feeling; this helps me maintain a certain amount of superficial until finally it blows over.

And when it blows over my soul and heart tighten and I am left feeling incredibly inadequate.

These things can’t be kept in. I don’t want to always be like this….

For the last while I have been keeping myself hidden (feelings) at the expense of my joy;

I have been moody, cold and non-responsive because I dislike and am scared of those thoughts in my head that say I am not good enough ... this doesn’t happen much but when it does it comes in huge quantities.

Part of me wants to feel alight with it (my feelings) because I want the freedom within myself to be what I am and sometimes that is who I am (all sensitive and stuff), but Mainly I want to fight it because I want to be a light that shines and makes people feel welcomed in my life, especially those I love.

I hate letting people down, its on of the reasons that I am non confrontational. I don’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t like feeling that I have caused people discomfort. I know it will happen and does because of my own flaws and humanness but it scares me because I see myself slowly pushing at people because if I push them away then they cant do it to me….

With all that being said… I know that I am loved and accepted and it’s mainly me being hard on myself and listening to untrue thoughts. As cliché as it is I am just a work in progress and I don’t really want to feel bad about it anymore…so if you catch me then call me out… I give you permission…. I need it….

When I feel like this it is easier to think and write and feel ok about it.

Let us imagine

Just two random “let us imagine’s”

Lets just imagine for a second that you were someone that I was serving at my store, here are a few pointers to make your time around me more pleasant!

1) Do not caress my hand when I am passing you your drinks ( I don’t know you, I don’t know where your hands have been, I don’t want your hands touching me)
2) Do not talk on your cell phone ( Come on now that is just plane rude, I am a person too, I exist, don’t you pretend that I don’t or else I may have to do something to your drink)
3) Eye contact please 
4) Men don’t be all flirty with me while your ladies are in the car sitting next to you, because you wanna know what that does to me? It brings a scowl to my face and no one wants to see that
5) Say thank you, ok so I know you just paid for your drink and have no real reason to say thank you, but its just common courtesy and who knows maybe the next time you come in we will treat you extra nice and give you free things ( manners go a long LONG way)

Now lets imagine you are someone who lives with me, these are the things you would know that most others don’t;

1) When I get in the first thing I say is “I neeeeeeed to get out of my clothes”, this happens no matter what I am wearing.
2) If my keys are missing, it is your fault
3) I love love love love drinking tea
4) I cant do anything productive in my room besides sleeping
5) I love having my bed made no matter how messy the rest of my room is
6) If my cell phone is missing, it is also your fault
7) What else is your fault? Well if I am gaining weight, that is too since it is your food I am eating
8) When I am not eating your food, I eat like a university student
9) I love touch and this is more noticeable in a home setting
10) Bread is mhmmmmmm yummy and that’s why it will always take up the most room In the freezer
11) I cant make a decent cup of coffee to save my life
12) I am always in a big rush, running from one place to the next to the next
13) And finally I love mugs ;)




p.s my mind has been feeling kinda empty lately, can someone fill it up?