9 years ago

When I was 15 and living in the Courts I started dating boy “C” after a month of him asking me out and a month of me saying No… for some reason I knew I shouldn’t date him, but eventually gave in and dated him ( off and on and off and on and off) for about four years of my life. The place we lived in was named by the neighborhood "the Courts" it was interesting…it was a mixture of races; ethnicities and one dimensional when it came to class….we were all poor! To make things a little more interesting with my relationship with him is the fact that on one side of me he lived and on the other his ex, today I sent her this email;

Hey

So I have wanted to write you for a while (like 3 or 4 years a while) but have always got lost in the moments of my own life. I am not sure exactly why I wanted to besides the fact that I feel I may have disrespected the relationship you and C had before me and him. I was young and completely naïve of the relationship you two had prior. So I wanted to say sorry for then and sorry that it had to be so awkward living there in the courts. When he and I started dating he told me that you two had been broken up for about 8 months, I didn’t learn until later on that that was a lie… Dang Boys! I wouldn’t have gone out with him if I had known that me and him started so quick after you two. I know this happened along time ago and you probably have not thought about it since then, but I want to make it right with you if it is possible.

With that said

I wish you blessings for this new and exciting wedding and marriage that is coming up soon :)

LeahA



This is not meant to be a ‘Good is me’ post but a reminder that it’s never to late to say sorry to someone. I didn’t do it to feel justified inside, or to feel that I am a good person… I knew that I had to say sorry because of the way I acted back then even if the event so long ago and our lives have moved on. Maybe she wont receive it, maybe she will laugh but thats not suppose to be my worry or burden...mine is to act lovingly

Our words have significant power….to sooth, to bring joy and truth, to love, to hurt, to destroy, to lie…let us use our words to breathe life into people today

Because I like to read through past thoughts

Dec 1, 2006 !
Nothing
I am trying to figure out if it is wrong to do a little shuffling with my friends. Well more accurately put remove some friends from my life. I know that might sound a bit harsh, but I don’t think that all the people I have in my life as friends are worthwhile. This does sound bad but I don’t want it to come across that way, all people can’t be good for you. And some people I have in my life are not. I try to be loving and gracious but to be honest I cant all the time, and with some it seems that I have to be trying at every moment not just to turn to them and say that I can’t deal with their friendship anymore and to please just leave. Maybe it’s the mood I am in right now, but maybe it’s real. If I keep the people in my life that are really having a negative impact on my spirit what is the purpose? Am I not just reinforcing my need to be friends with everyone, am I just using them? This is hard for me because i want everyone to feel loved. I just don’t know.

Today was the first day I ever drove my car all alone, it felt like a great achievement although all I did was move it from one parking spot to the next. This is not as easy as it sounds for beginners in the driving of 5 speed cars. I had to get it into first gear, turn it around and reverse it so I could parallel park all with my lovely stepfather heckling me, right now I kind of wanna just go on my street and practice but the snow scares me, I keep thinking I am going to stall and a bus will be coming and wont be able to get out the way and smash into my sweet little white Honda and that will be the end of my driving days.
Everything seems to sound negative today, it wasn’t intended at all.

Today was actually a good day; I got a massage for an hour, bought some stuff for my new car, named the car Petey with the aid of my friend Megan, actually she thought of the name and I though of the story. Petey is a poor Gardner from England who with every cent he makes feeds and cloths his family.

I got to chat with someone pretty awesome, and that always makes me smile. I like smiling, I don’t like wrinkles, but I like smiling.

I love God too, its not just an after thought, its my reason for being

Update from then: The friend that was trying on my patience is no longer as close to me as we once were, but I think this is a good thing :)

Driving little ole Petey is not as hard as I thought it would be and man I really was mad at myself for buying a standard because it seemed so hard.

Woot Woot

So I was thinking about C and the relationship that I had with him for four years of my life and to be honest it was wonderful, beautiful, intense, enjoyable, draining, mad and well pretty great, I thought we would be together “forever” and that’s what almost happened. As I have talked to friends over the past couple years about what I experienced I have come to realize that even though what we had was awesome it wasn’t what was suppose to be. With all the love I had towards him, with all the great memories and passion it still wasn’t right, i wasnt in love with him. For a year of my life I tried to get out, I never had a concrete reason I just knew I needed out, I knew that something just didn’t sit well inside of me and that I was losing what it was that made me me, so I prayed and prayed and eventually found myself living 2000 miles away with three girls but still deeply connected to him… I didn’t understand it beyond the fact that he was great and I was a chicken …but why do I talk about this?

well as I was thinking this through it occurred to me that with all the things that were great in our relationship, he still wasn’t the person for me and this brings me to the thought that if I could have an amazing relationship with someone who isn’t right for me, how much more amazing will it be when the person is right!

This thought excites me!

I dont know what the future has in store but I know that there is plan that is far beyond anything that I can imagine and that what I want to live in, his plan.

My roomate was playing this song and it seemed fitting, or something close to fitting...its just good and cheerful and it makes me want to give love away.