Back In Action

Have you ever thought it was strange how ones emotions can go from feeling; lonely, hurt, angered, betrayed, unsure to completely happy, blessed, excited and then back to upset and unrest again?

Maybe you've never felt that before or you have had a variation of such, but it has happened to me recently and has completely derailed my sense of sanity and balance.

I have had moments when I have wanted to write but just can’t seem to make any sense of my thoughts or don’t want to write them down because they might convince me that i really am crazy or something close to it.

I like words, I like thoughts and imagination and insight and writing and balance and reading all of my friends blog's and sleeping in. I don’t like feeling purposeless or unbalanced or unfriendly or unthankful or unhappy.

I am in the most wonderful season of my life, shheeesh sometimes its mind-blowing and exhilarating and great and i want to share it with everyone but I don’t know how cause everyone i know is far away and/or what if they don’t believe me and what if they don’t care and what if i am not in the mood to share?

My thoughts are all over the place, but you get the point right?

Love is great, friends are great so is reading and hugging and sharing and eating pasta together, I just got married and that is even more then great, its humbling, warm, scary, beautiful, passionate, quiet and more then anything that i could ever have dreamed of.

photo by Leah Tan

Phone Time

You ever meet someone that you knew in the depths of who you are that you were/are suppose to know them? That person that makes you feels warm and alive and thankful because you get to be around them. Well I have someone in my life that I feel so grateful to know and knowing them is only possible because we both listened to something that told us to take a step and obey the voice of god in our lives.

This isn’t a romantic boy/girl relationship that I am talking about, but a deep rooted friendship with someone I have known for about four years. My friend Kat has been in my head for a while, my thoughts have been that I should just call her and make a date to hang out but often I just tell myself that I will do it later and then I forget, get distracted, get busy and the moment passes. Today I decided that I would not let the moment pass and called my friend. I phoned and we talked, we didn’t have any amazing heart wrenching conversation, nothing significant went down… but we talked.

Talking to Kat reminded me how grateful I am to know her, truthfully speaking she is one of my favorite people and I wish I could introduce her to everyone I know. She is one of those people that inspire me to press on, to stand for what I believe, to love, to give and to live unselfishly, and she does this by the way she lives her life. I think the difference between her and other people that I know is that I respect her and somehow that changes everything.

Being her friend makes me want to be a better friend, if I could only be a glimpse of light to the people around me like the light she is to me my heart would be satisfied.

Having great friend’s displays to me the impact that we can have with the people in our lives…we have the opportunity to be a positive and loving presence in peoples lives and this excites and freaks me out because there are so many hurting and fragile, so many who feel abandoned and depressed and it is so easy to judge instead of love and unfortunately I feel that I don’t love with the capacity that I have been given and I don’t want to be like that…. I want to be generous with my love, with my time…. with my life because when I really think about it my life was redeemed, I was bought with a heavy price and I do not want to take that for granted.

This is why I am glad I talked to my Kat.

Questions

Dear Me

Why do you always leave things to the last minute?
Why do you not say what you’re feeling?
Why won’t you just start liking cheese?
Why do you eat those vegan brownies when you promised yourself you wouldn’t?
Why don’t you spend more time doing what you love?
Why don’t you phone people back when you say you’re going to?
Why aren’t you nicer to your sister?
Why do you not dream of your wedding like every other girl in the world?
Why do apples taste so DANG good?
Why do you let him know that he makes you tingle?
Why don’t you start being more open?
Why don’t you spend more time with your Leah, Kat, Michelle, Morena and Jenn?
Why do you treat your baby, aka Petey, aka Car so bad by not cleaning it?
Why don’t you let yourself sleep more?
Why do you love coffee so much?
why do you love toast so much ( not bread but TOAST)?
and finally self why do you have to get old?

Not Studying

I am trying to study right now but don’t have the concentration capabilities needed.
I am sitting in Renaissance drinking tea and this cute dog is looking at me. I think he thinks I am going to pet him. I don’t think he realizes that there is a window in between us.

I have been unsure about what I believe for a what seems like a long while, well I mean I know what I believe but I don’t believe that I can live it… maybe I am looking too much into it, maybe I just think this way cause I am moody.
I have been moody quite a bit… I just want to be alone, ok maybe not actually alone but I don’t want people to be near unless I want them near.

When I was out with Leah, I wanted her near but maybe that’s because I trust her. Like she could say something mean to me and I could call her on it and all would be well…I trust her with my moodiness.
Or my Kat, I think my Kat is wonderful in an inspiring way. She isn’t typical. I like that she doesn’t complain about stuff and then not do something about it (did that sentence make sensecause I just re read it and it might not make sense). I like being around her because she has a great energy and she is accepting of the fact that I am indigenizing her.

My mom phoned me last night, I miss my mom.

I like the feeling of leaving things to the last minute. That type of stress makes me move (and no I am not justifying my lack of studying).

I don’t like having conversations right when I wake up… I don’t hear anything except my body saying how cold it is.

What kind of career does one have when they are a relationship person with a bad memory?

My tea tastes very good.

The cute dog is gone.

Ohhh a great song is on “Music is played for love

Cruising is made for love, I love it when were cruisin together"