I dont deal with "missing" well

I am having one of those moments (or I am in a mood) where I wish I was dating someone* who lived closer to me. I want to be able to just call that person up and be like “hey, Lets do something, I will be over there in 15 mins” or have a time when I am just surprised by that person’s presence at my house or at my work.

I am being ungrateful for what I have, which is more then anything I could have asked or imagined for, but these moods just happen upon me…or like tonight is triggered by events/people. Tonight I went out to Martini with my old manager and her boyfriend and just wanted to have that person there with me; to pick on, to laugh with, to annoy….you know all the normal life things, but he wasn’t there ( no blame is meant) and it felt like he should be there( maybe because it is a friday night?). The night was fun and I didn’t think much about it until I left, but the point is I still thought about it and feel a bit ashamed for that.

I am annoyed with myself because like I said earlier I feel that the person who I have in my life is beyond wonderful, is a blessing, is my love and I don’t want to be ungrateful, especially regarding him.

I am not good at this semi-long distance thing; I need/want personal face to face interaction with everyone that is involved in my life…. I want it with my roommate, my mom, my leah, my friends, my family and my boyfriend….

The point is I am unhappy that I let myself feel ungrateful when God has a bigger plan that goes beyond my temporary mood shifts.

Some one give me a little shake please!

* the person I want closer is the one I already have !

When your gone

I felt like this song last night at work

Miss you

To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
Incubus

I was out with one of my kiddies last night and she gave me something to think about, she was talking about the idea of missing people and I guess she caught on that I might have been missing a certain person that was driving through my city, past the exit to my place at that moment.

Well what she told me was comforting, it went something like this “when we miss someone it confirms part of our feelings for that person” as if my feelings/insides/thoughts were telling me that there is something here between us which is worthy of missing. While she was talking I was thinking about a conversation me and T had the night prior. He was telling me how this (us + distance) “is a kind of wonderful torturous emotion” and he is right it is all of that and more.

To be honest I just wanted to be there with him, next to him, smelling him, holding him near, hugging him,cooking with him, anything! Potentially just doing nothing but being near, but things don’t work that easily, life and borders and kilometers get in the way. And the reality is that we dont always have things the way we want them(probably some sort of messed up beautiful blessing)and I think I am alright with that, I think I have to be !

Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel that missing feeling all the time but there are moments

little moments
wonderful moments
torturous moments.