Great Big Mystery

Yesterday morning as I was rushing out the door I grabbed one of my roommates cd’s (she has a collection that I have never heard before, keeps my ears fresh) so that on my drive to work I could sing along with something new….well I ended up grabbing a cd by the singer Bethany Dillon and only listened to one song over and over again (if you’re a girl you can relate to the repeat button syndrome…its in us all) …. The song was great, every time I listened to it, it would say something different to me…..here are the main lyrics that I like ….

I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face

Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily

The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery



The first lines to stick something in my head are “nations fall when you speak and you have spoken over me”….. WOW, if nations can fall when God speaks to them, what will happen to me if I just allow his leading…what is happening to me because of his call on my life……


After that my very plea was mimicked in the lines “ I am tired of giving in so easily”….. so many times I have given in because I was lazy, scared, apathetic or just being prideful…and I am tired of it….

Then the last lines to keep playing over and over again in my head were/are “the way you keep on loving me, is changing everything I see” ….. Isn’t it true that because of the way God loves us we see things differently…

-the value and potential in people
-being good stewards of our earth
-caring about social justice and the hopeless
-the gifts in ourselves
-love..true loce, right love, love without getting tired



As i was listening to this song i felt humbled and empowered as if God werre trying to tell me something, something wonderful,something beautiful....

Home

It felt very nice to come to my place today after a somewhat stressful day…made me feel a bit peaceful and energized even though I am tired.

Maybe because I got to snuggle with my roommate
Maybe because it was clean and clutter free (not my room of course)
Maybe it’s because there is stuff here that is mine
Maybe it is because I can see starbucks from my bedroom
Maybe because my cell phone is completely dead
Or because I had some yummy amazing cereal for dinner.


I wanna to cook my food and stop eating just toast……and I want to cook good food…sheeesh I have lived with an amazing cook (its not just me who think this, she has more fans) …well I have lived with her for almost a year and never fully watched her do her thing…and her thing is awesome…..

I am sleepy and grammar is extra hard for me, so I am going to sleep

the photo above is of my future family.

Blessed

There have been these moments that happen upon me

Where I realize how in love I am with Tim

Moments when I am sitting in the bar watching him play his bass at open mic night

Moments when we are watching a movie and he kisses my hands

Moments when we are reading together

Moments when the love in my eyes catches his and the overwhelming sensation that we were meant to be together sweeps over me with no other explanation then “you just know”.

I feel very undeserving and blessed in this area of my life… very thankful too.

There are other areas to where I don’t give GOD enough praise and glory for treating me far above what I deserve

- For protecting me from abuses
- For bringing amazing caring people into my life
- For helping me go to school and think
- For the Grace upon Grace I receive
- For giving me chances every moments to make things right

There are moments, many moments when I allow myself to think that life is all about me but its not about me, or you …its about him…. Serving him ….loving him….. Praising him…. About living what you believe instead of just saying it… (Thank you Donald Miller)

I want to live what I believe…. I want to believe more … I believe but I am so forgetful

God is so faithful even though I am so faithless

I am blessed.

Lost in my own thoughts again

I am hard on myself to the point that it causes me to be my own self-inflicted stumbling block.

I want to deal with everything myself so I barely talk about how I am feeling; this helps me maintain a certain amount of superficial until finally it blows over.

And when it blows over my soul and heart tighten and I am left feeling incredibly inadequate.

These things can’t be kept in. I don’t want to always be like this….

For the last while I have been keeping myself hidden (feelings) at the expense of my joy;

I have been moody, cold and non-responsive because I dislike and am scared of those thoughts in my head that say I am not good enough ... this doesn’t happen much but when it does it comes in huge quantities.

Part of me wants to feel alight with it (my feelings) because I want the freedom within myself to be what I am and sometimes that is who I am (all sensitive and stuff), but Mainly I want to fight it because I want to be a light that shines and makes people feel welcomed in my life, especially those I love.

I hate letting people down, its on of the reasons that I am non confrontational. I don’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t like feeling that I have caused people discomfort. I know it will happen and does because of my own flaws and humanness but it scares me because I see myself slowly pushing at people because if I push them away then they cant do it to me….

With all that being said… I know that I am loved and accepted and it’s mainly me being hard on myself and listening to untrue thoughts. As cliché as it is I am just a work in progress and I don’t really want to feel bad about it anymore…so if you catch me then call me out… I give you permission…. I need it….

When I feel like this it is easier to think and write and feel ok about it.

Crazy get gone.

I feel like I have become this person I don’t recognize
Not particularly bad but just unrecognizable. ( this picture makes it look bad but it doesnt represent anything, i just thought it was funny)



I am in love with someone who is pretty darn amazing and we have decided to spend our loves together and it is all very exciting. All the things that come along with it are pretty cool as well but there are moments when I feel the weight of it all pushing on my emotional button. Sometimes I feel like screaming at it (the emotional thingy) but it would be screaming at air and I already feel crazy and that would probably just make more people around me agree that I actually am crazy. Being out of whack makes me act in ways that are not me, take these last two instances which both occurred last night.

1) I had a fight with the one I love about stupid things. I hate fights. I love peace. I like my heart beating at a semi-normal pace, and fighting throws it off.

2) I went grocery shopping and bought lots of things that I shouldn’t have but particularly two because of my neo emotional, pre marriage, pre move out of my country, post annoyance with trying to pick classes and figuring out how I am going to pay for it all stress.

So if you’re around please come eat those things that will not do my body good (cookies and some super sugary cereal). Plus last night I ate some greasy chicken wings for dinner and I am going to get married soon, like 2-6 months soon and I have been so good lately with my choice of food (not last night of course) and I don’t want to let my emotional state dictate my behavior. I want to be consistent and reliable. And another thing, I love my bed and prayer and showers and sugary cereal for breakfast and the birds twirping outside my window right now… they are all so very comforting


Ok so it wasn’t all bad food that I bought…there were some apples, cucumbers, tomatoes, tuna, mini cans of beans…hmmm who knew they came in mini.

hmmm

Bachelor partys !

Who needs them really???


Right?

Am I crazy for thinking that they are not an essential to pre marriage events?

RISK

"I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and fall
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.
I would rather risk"


Lately I have been listening to a GREAT song,

It has been playing in my head without me even trying to think about it


The best part is it is a Canadian singer.


Aren’t the lyrics great!!!! I wanted to share them before I told you all it was a country song because I know that some might pre judge the integrity of the song, so shame on you: P

I have loved country music every since I met my dad (whom introduced it to me when I was 10)

It’s because I love stories

And not because I enjoy twang



And because I love my dad, who just celebrated his 48th birthday yesterday 

Coffee

I went into my old work today

I saw all my old friends


I miss my Starbucks days

Rushing Myself

I have never been one to stay in one place for too long.

It could be as simple as waiting for others in my party to get ready or not wanting to live in one place for too long.


I thrive on movement, adventure and action. I like stress … it is a disease really.

I remember something my English professor would tell the class “boredom is a choice”

I choose to get bored easily I choose to be ansy I choose fun over responsibility

I choose short term or over long term I choose there, over here


Right now I am patiently trying to learn how to be satisfied in my environment, to relax, to enjoy the moment for what it is, to not choose boredom, to follow through, to stick with something (like writing on this blog), to not rush, to sit still, to think…. to be more creative with the time that my mind makes me believe is being wasted.

I use to be able to sit for hours and read a book, draw my imagination, watch planes fly overhead,do my homework.... somewhere between then and now I forgot that there is pleasure in those things....

the journey begins to find those things once again .