I am hard on myself to the point that it causes me to be my own self-inflicted stumbling block.
I want to deal with everything myself so I barely talk about how I am feeling; this helps me maintain a certain amount of superficial until finally it blows over.
And when it blows over my soul and heart tighten and I am left feeling incredibly inadequate.
These things can’t be kept in. I don’t want to always be like this….
For the last while I have been keeping myself hidden (feelings) at the expense of my joy;
I have been moody, cold and non-responsive because I dislike and am scared of those thoughts in my head that say I am not good enough ... this doesn’t happen much but when it does it comes in huge quantities.
Part of me wants to feel alight with it (my feelings) because I want the freedom within myself to be what I am and sometimes that is who I am (all sensitive and stuff), but Mainly I want to fight it because I want to be a light that shines and makes people feel welcomed in my life, especially those I love.
I hate letting people down, its on of the reasons that I am non confrontational. I don’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t like feeling that I have caused people discomfort. I know it will happen and does because of my own flaws and humanness but it scares me because I see myself slowly pushing at people because if I push them away then they cant do it to me….
With all that being said… I know that I am loved and accepted and it’s mainly me being hard on myself and listening to untrue thoughts. As cliché as it is I am just a work in progress and I don’t really want to feel bad about it anymore…so if you catch me then call me out… I give you permission…. I need it….
When I feel like this it is easier to think and write and feel ok about it.