Jul 22, 2008

Lost in my own thoughts again

I am hard on myself to the point that it causes me to be my own self-inflicted stumbling block.

I want to deal with everything myself so I barely talk about how I am feeling; this helps me maintain a certain amount of superficial until finally it blows over.

And when it blows over my soul and heart tighten and I am left feeling incredibly inadequate.

These things can’t be kept in. I don’t want to always be like this….

For the last while I have been keeping myself hidden (feelings) at the expense of my joy;

I have been moody, cold and non-responsive because I dislike and am scared of those thoughts in my head that say I am not good enough ... this doesn’t happen much but when it does it comes in huge quantities.

Part of me wants to feel alight with it (my feelings) because I want the freedom within myself to be what I am and sometimes that is who I am (all sensitive and stuff), but Mainly I want to fight it because I want to be a light that shines and makes people feel welcomed in my life, especially those I love.

I hate letting people down, its on of the reasons that I am non confrontational. I don’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t like feeling that I have caused people discomfort. I know it will happen and does because of my own flaws and humanness but it scares me because I see myself slowly pushing at people because if I push them away then they cant do it to me….

With all that being said… I know that I am loved and accepted and it’s mainly me being hard on myself and listening to untrue thoughts. As cliché as it is I am just a work in progress and I don’t really want to feel bad about it anymore…so if you catch me then call me out… I give you permission…. I need it….

When I feel like this it is easier to think and write and feel ok about it.

6 comments:

Katrina Janzen said...

Hi love,

still reading your blog. love from Guaté. can't wait to see you in the fall, meet this Tim, have you over for a sleepover in my single bed and sing you a lullaby.

LeahA said...

I cant wait to have someone sing me a lullaby again.... and have a sleepover and snuggle with you if I am not already married by then.... :) :)

Gatim said...

leaha!!!!!

i love you!!!!!!!!

Samantha said...

Well, what an enlightening post. There are various reasons to the causes of procrastination. http://www.stop-procrastination.org is an informative website which explains to you some of the reasons of procrastination and help you to prevent them. Very useful indeed. You might wanna check it out.

Shawn said...

I know this amazing woman who happens to reside at the same address as you. Have you ever thought about sitting down and talking to your roomate? Maybe let her know you still live there in person, rather than by physical evidence. Why don't you sit, have a cup of coffee, and decompress with her.

Jenn said...

I agree - I need some alcohol - what about Havanna for some sangria and yam fries?