Dec 30, 2007


I went to 10th ave tonight with my dad, leah and gloryorya.... my roommate usually comes but she decided to spend some quality time with her parents ( who does that anymore) well anyways it was a good night because I learnt a new word and I saw my roommates crush, which just so happens to be my crush ! I embarrassed myself when I dropped my pen on the lame ant floor and everyone looked at me..Such is life eh!
Well besides seeing my roommates crush (just to remind everyone it has been well over a month since me and Jenn have seen him..Sigh***) I also learned a new word.. PRIG.... have you heard of it before? Cause I sure haven’t.. (Leah I know you have since you are writing a blog about it...punk) ... well I think the best way to explain this new word is to describe my friend Leah (or Charles Dickens' portrait of the day-nurse Betsy Prig) since she so accurately potrays the meaning of the word!!!
She believes she is right, she wants to prove it to the word by telling them what to do, she is a person who demonstrates an exaggerated conformity or propriety, especially in an irritatingly arrogant or smug manner, which basically means she is snot (and yes the kind that comes out of your nose is included too )..she has too be right all the time and she uses her education to prove herself against me..gosh I cant help that I was born in society that doesnt place a high value on if u have a priggish friend i recommend you sell them and see what you can get...or maybe just keep beating them at card games such as dutch blitz to show them that there priggy ways will not be put up with.

Dec 29, 2007

Saturday Nights

I finished my red velvet “secrets” journal today before work. I have been writing in it since March of 2006… I am a slow writer.

I did this personality quizy thing last night and it told me what I kinda already know to be true… I am friendly, outgoing, fun...blah blah … well today I had to work at another Starbucks location and I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know what the people would be like before going in, people scare me sometimes, especially people I have to work with. I decided to journal a bit to clear my head and as I was writing I realized that I would be fine because for the most part people like me ( this isn’t mean to puff myself up). I get along with people; I smile at people and basically charm them (ok I hate using that word, but it fits best). I want people to like me and I want to like people. This is sometimes a problem though. What’s the problem you ask?

One of the reasons I get along with people is that I accommodate them (this is what writing has shown me); I want people to feel comfortable, liked and affirmed. I don’t want people to not feel loved because I don’t like feeling it myself. A couple weeks back I went out with a friend and she told me that I don’t really bring my friends together, or let them meet each other. I don’t do this purposely; I am just selfish and like having people to myself. Well what she said is also true, I am not sure how to accommodate two people at one time. What if they don’t like each other? What if one of them smells and you don’t want the other to notice? What if they end up liking each other more then me? You know stuff like that. Someone give me a solution please

Another topic: Boys

So I have been in communications with S recently, I am not sure what it means or why I am doing it, I just know that I am doing it and I like it. I feel like me and him have been on and off forever without ever really being on, in my roommates terminology kind of like a pseudo-relationship. We did date for a bit a couple years back ( I cant even believe that it has been a couple years :p) and I really liked him then, I don’t think I like him the same way, at least I don’t think I do. I also know that I say this sitting in Vancouver and if I was in Montreal (were he is) my feelings might be different…
Stupid feelings
Stupid distance?

My roommate also got me hooked into a website
A dating website…..
It’s really a weird phenomenon, I don’t feel like I am looking for someone or need this site to find that someone (I am not against these types of sites) but it is interesting to look around and chat with people and let your mind wonder at possibilities. I dont know whats going to happen with it, maybe nothing but some mind distractions other then facebook(which is evil) and books ( which are not the way, I just finished "Life After God" by Douglas Coupland and highly recommend it)

Confession time:
I once met someone off of a website (not a dating site, but myspace) and it went wonderful, we actually met in TimeSquare (a girls gotta be safe you know). Maybe this is the season for meeting new people!

Dec 21, 2007


You know that feeling you get when your outside on a cold day and your nose is really cold and all you wanna do is hide it under your jacket?

Well I feel that right now while I am sitting under my covers in my bed !

Dec 18, 2007

I realized why I have been such a crank… stupid one week of the month! It’s not as though I forgot it would happen I just always forget that it’s the reason that Mean Leaha comes into existence, at least with more force!

I am writing right now with no real plan to write, usually that’s what I need to write or my roommate being around, but I haven’t seen much of her because she is a popular lady( lady is not to imply old, kinda more like respectable) and I leave before she is up and go to bed before she returns.

Today I woke up her at 430am, I didn’t want to because if someone woke me up that early I would attack them. I had to, the power went off and I am scared of the dark and she needed to go to work and not be late.

My smiley came into today, I know his name, I found it out last week. I am not going to share his name because smiley is just a better fit ( he kind of has an old man name). My co-worker told me he is probably not good enough for me, its probably true since he picks starbucks coffee over Tim Horton’s. I love Tim Horton’s coffee.

I am kind of tired right now and hungry and cold. I am also content and comfy.

It’s raining and grey and a bit windy, I think I may take a nap.

oh ya I love that school is out !

Dec 14, 2007

Not Studying

I am trying to study right now but don’t have the concentration capabilities needed.
I am sitting in Renaissance drinking tea and this cute dog is looking at me. I think he thinks I am going to pet him. I don’t think he realizes that there is a window in between us.

I have been unsure about what I believe for a what seems like a long while, well I mean I know what I believe but I don’t believe that I can live it… maybe I am looking too much into it, maybe I just think this way cause I am moody.
I have been moody quite a bit… I just want to be alone, ok maybe not actually alone but I don’t want people to be near unless I want them near.

When I was out with Leah, I wanted her near but maybe that’s because I trust her. Like she could say something mean to me and I could call her on it and all would be well…I trust her with my moodiness.
Or my Kat, I think my Kat is wonderful in an inspiring way. She isn’t typical. I like that she doesn’t complain about stuff and then not do something about it (did that sentence make sensecause I just re read it and it might not make sense). I like being around her because she has a great energy and she is accepting of the fact that I am indigenizing her.

My mom phoned me last night, I miss my mom.

I like the feeling of leaving things to the last minute. That type of stress makes me move (and no I am not justifying my lack of studying).

I don’t like having conversations right when I wake up… I don’t hear anything except my body saying how cold it is.

What kind of career does one have when they are a relationship person with a bad memory?

My tea tastes very good.

The cute dog is gone.

Ohhh a great song is on “Music is played for love

Cruising is made for love, I love it when were cruisin together"

Dec 13, 2007


I can’t write I just don’t got it in me!

What I can do is;
Drink tea
Read books
Walk around in circles
and take showers.

Dec 7, 2007

Not your erotic, not your exotic

I have been talking with my roommate recently about my struggle with the way I keep my hair.
I Colour my hair and receive comments on how the light Colour suits me.
Sometimes I feel as if I keep coloring it to keep the attention… to sell my self out to what mainstream says is beautiful ( light long hair)
I use to have dark hair, I also use to get all these comments on how exotic I looked… my roommate calls it something like orientalism which is interpreted to refer to the study of the East by Westerners shaped by the attitudes of the era of European imperialism, it implies old-fashioned and prejudiced outsider interpretations of Eastern cultures and peoples.
ok so maybe people don’t mean it in a negative way, maybe people don’t realize that I am first nations and that the way I look is local. Well regardless I asked my roommate to write a blog about it because she would make it sound fancier, she sent me a link of a poet named Suheir Hammad… I went there but instead of posting the video I thought it would be nicer just to be able to write what she spoke!

Not Your Exotic, Not your Erotic

Don’t wanna be you’re exotic like some dark, fragile colorful bird, imprisoned, caged in a land foreign to the stretch of her wings

Don’t wanna be your exotic
Women everywhere

Some taller, darker, nicer then me but like me just the same.
Women everywhere carry my nose on their faces, my name on their sprits
Don’t seduce your self with my otherness!
My hair wasn’t put on top my head to incite you into some mysterious black voodoo, the beat of my lashes against each other aint some dark desert beat,
It’s just a blink,
Get over it!

Don’t build around me your fetish, fantasy, your lustful profanities to cage me in, clip my wings.

"Don’t wanna be your exotic

your loving of my beauty ain't more than
funky fornication plain pink perversion
in fact nasty necrophilia
cause my beauty is dead to you
I am dead to you

Not your
harem girl geisha doll banana picker
pom pom girl pum pum shorts coffee maker
town whore belly dancer private dancer
la malinche venus hottentot laundry girl
your immaculate vessel emasculating princess
don't wanna be

not your erotic
Not you’re exotic

Dec 5, 2007

Wednesday Morning Conversations

Ok before I punch out these two last essays I need to get this out my brain…

So he came into today a tad bit late… I saw him and then my manager said “its your break” but I said “just let me get this one last person”

He came to my till and this is how the conversation went;

Leaha: HI! The regular Grande dark with a little room for cream?

Smiley: (With smile)…. Yes, thank you !

Leaha: Is this enough room?

Smiley: Perfect

Leaha: So your off to work this morning eh !

Smiley: (smiles) ……. (I forget what he says)

Leaha: Have a good day!

Smiley: See you tomorrow!!!!!!!

( Shizza I am not working in the morning tomorrow)

Dec 4, 2007


I decieded to stop my crushing ways right?

So why is he in my head?

Maybe I will ask his name tomorow.

Dec 3, 2007

Monday Morning

I have seen death today and it is the top of Burnaby Mountain.

But before my encounter with it I saw something else, something beautiful, and something that goes by the name Smiley.

I was at my store, then he was at my store, then I was in my car and he was in his car… and that’s all, except that I saw him.

As I was driving up to death, I was realizing how stupid the whole thing is;
(Also my trusty roommate and I had a similar conversation about this and our man from 10th)

The thing is I don’t know this man Smiley, except for the fact that he gets a grande dark, drives a nice car, has a great smile and is in my store at 6:45 am ish everyday during the week.

He may be;
-with kids
-an asshole
-a jerk
-a racist
-a cheese lover
-a Ken
-a Peter
-a Mike
-a dog

The point is I have no clue about him and maybe that’s the draw, maybe that’s the security.
In my mind I have created for myself this perfect smiley man that has come to save me from __________? (Don’t know what the blank is, cause I don’t know why type of saving it is, I haven’t gotten that far along)

And it is stupid,

I don’t want to have a crush on someone I don’t know, I want to have one on someone I do know then at least I will know what I like beyond a great smile and a flirtatious demeanor.

So I am trying to think of someone I know that I can have a crush on, or maybe even just have a time when there doesn’t need to be a guy in my head stealing precious brain cells up, then maybe I can get my work done when it is suppose to be done and done well…

This is why I have seen death today, so I can get my work done well.