Mornings

I woke up this morning and stepped out into the most wonderful dewy fresh vancouver morning !

This past weekend I went on a camping trip with the grade 12's from youth group, It was a fun time sitting by the fire in the rain chatting about life. I like how once people are out in nature in a non threatening enviormont how the chatter bug in everyone becomes alive !

I got my beloved car back, I was happy they cleaned it, I wasnt happy that I had to pay 300$ for the deductible ! I have had this vehicle for about 8 months now, and It amazes me that I still have the feeling of " I cant believe I own my own Car" ...the feeling exists for school and goes something like this " Wow I am in school" and now for my new place I often think " Is this real"... I know these seem like simple things, but my mind works in simple ways.. I love that I know how to drive, that I can freely go to school and that I have the means to live out of my parents house..I feel freer then before although these things are the main headaches of my life in terms of time and cost !

I have started missing my dad, if you dont know he has been " gone" since january and I am not sure when he will deciede to come back but I want to stop thinking about it for a while since it is not a choice I made.....blah is what I think.. blah him !

I cant wait until winter !

Weekend Times !

Life has been in flux for the last month or so. I moved here are some pictures! It’s small but cozy and functional! It comes with a great view (starbucks).

This past weekend I went to Rockridge camp/retreat with the kids from the youth group, we had some fun and intense spiritual times, I enjoyed being with my girls and once again get to see them mature (it makes me sad to talk about it so I will leave it be right now). On the Sunday night when I returned my roommate and I went to the Keith Urban concert, and WOW the man knows how to perform, the show was superb, I think I like him even more now. My camera is ghetto so the photos are not that good but here are some anyways! I think I still have his tunes ratelling through my head.

The next morning I kind of forgot to wake up for class and aimlessly tried to get some reading in for my classes, can’t believe It is week 2 and I am already behind! Well that night me and my bud Michelle went to the City and Colour concert (I know it seems like I am going to lots but the reality is they just all landed in the same month).. City and Colour, aka Dallas Green has left me breathless ….I don’t know what to say! His words, his melodies, his voice, his ora, his everything was just perfect… Love him Love him Love him!

The next morning I woke up to find that my car had been broken into, I wasn’t even upset about it, I just felt violated! I had to wake my roommate up which was a bummer because I am sure she loves sleep just as much as me…well she came out with camera in hand and noticed in my back seat a variety of books talking about “ unjust society” you know my criminology books.. ha how convenient ! well like I said I am not upset, this doesn’t really seem like a big deal because it isn’t, I am glad they didn’t steal my baby, but I am not sure why they would want to since it is such a beater !

Well the best part of my day was coming home to find roses in my room from my roommate, who does that??? No one is my answer, yet here in my midst, in the room next door I have found one of a few and that gives me hope and makes me smile! I know its cliché but these darn little things are what make life worth while!

Thoughts through someone else's words !

I made a couple new friends this past weekend at Camp and one of them just got through pressuring me to check out this artist that in his own words he is " obsessed " with, I am not sure why I thought I could trust his judgement because he likes the Montreal Canadians ( sick) but none the less I went on a journey with the aid of my computer to seek this artist out that has taken a hold of my new friend and i have to admit, although a bit unwillingly that I was a tad , tiny bit blown away.... friends maybe you should give this guy a listen, his name is Sufjan Stevens ( enough said he deserves ur respect) ... back to the point of this blog, here are some lyrics that I found compelling !

To Be Alone With You
I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you
You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals
To be alone with me To be alone with me To be alone with me
You went up on a tree To be alone with me you went up on the tree
I'll never know the man who loved me

For The Widows In Paradise; For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti
I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.
I was dressed embarrassment. I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take you're time?
Even if I come back, even if I die Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress; Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you
I have called you preacher; I have called you son. If you have a father or if you haven't one,
I'll do anything for you. I did everything for you

Beautiful is all I am left with to describe what is going on in my head, my heart and whatever else there is that makes up me !

Dave Harm

Not on a "pity-pot," nor ranting or venting... I'm just tired..

I’m tired of being misunderstood,
nerves are shot,
weak – like old wood.

I’m tired of being ill,
no energy, can’t think,
losing my skills.

I’m tired of so-called friends,
stabbing me in the back,
again and again.

I’m tired of trying to make things right,
i give up – I surrender,
no will to fight.

I’m tired of seeing others in pain,
raises frustration,
drives me insane.

I’m tired of not being able to cry,
i’d melt away,
nothing left inside.

I’m tired because I can’t feel,
walking in a daze – numb
this can’t be real.

I’m tired of being “strong,”
i’m weak, i’m fragile,
its gone on way to long.

I don’t know what else to say,
i’m hoping, i’m dreaming,
i’m begging, i’m pleading,
please, take this feeling away.

Right now… I’m just tired…


week one of life back and Im already feeling a bit burnt out !

Jenn/School/119/Lie

So I am totally moved out, shouts of hooray! (This doesn’t mean unpacked, this may take a while)

Let me start off by saying that I am totally impressed with my roommate Jenn. I am totally impressed with my roommate Jenn, who set up our whole place; she has made it feel homey. I feel bad that I haven’t helped with it because of time constraints but as soon as things are settled down I will!

The place is cozy and empty of the usual loads of people that inhabited my parent’s house but I am thinking that in time I will grow to appreciate quietness, cleanliness and non-animal smells and the fact that I can see Starbucks from my place (no I am not an addict)

At this very moment I am trying to decide if I want to drop a class, because I am not sure if having 5 classes a fulltime job, LSAT prep course and youth group responsibilities, will all help me function as a healthy human being. To be honest I don’t think I am disciplined enough to do all the required studying which I am positive two research classes demands.

Right now I am studying Psalm 119 after hearing a teaching on it three weeks back.

Today I went through the passage of vs.9-16 which states;

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By keeping it according to Your word.
With all my heart I have sought you;
Do not let me wander from Your commandments.
Your word I have treasured in my heart that I may not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O Lord;
Teach me your statutes.
With my lips I have told of all the ordinances of Your mouth.
I have rejoiced in the way of your testimonies, as much as in riches.
I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways.
I shall delight in Your statues;
I shall not forget your word.

Hmm beautiful!

Right now I am also trying to revive a conscience that has been eroded by my liberal, individualistic, depressed, over-sexed, underdressed, capitalistic culture that persuades me to choose myself first, to do what makes me feel good, to waste time and become apathetic to the people around me because they don’t matter.
What a lie !

Leaving Time

I am sitting in a room void of anything that has come to symbolizes me
No dream catcher on the wall
No shelves full of books
No guitar catching dust in the corner
No clothing systematically placed on the ground
I am biting my pinky trying to fight off all the negative thoughts going on in my head like;
Am I mature enough?
Am I the right age?
Am I going to be lonely
What am I going to do with my lonely self?
Am I going to eat right?
Will I shower?

shouldnt I wait until I am married to move out??? ( ok I am not thinking that one!)
How will my mom know when I am sad?
I am scared to move away in the same city, moving away in a different city is easier because i know I am coming back to this place that I have grown up in, but now my parents are making plans for MY room and I wanna be a selfish kid and say NO GO AWAY and just leave it, leave it bare, leave it untouched, leave it mine

I want to go to sleep, wake up and be 15 again! I had best friends, cute brothers and sister, less weight, better grades, no bills, no stress, no wrinkles, just dreams and imagination! I think need this book !