Writing 4 Who?

I am sitting in the Palm Beach airport right now, I just finished writing in my journal and figured that why not just write down here what I wrote there.

Perfectionism is the Voice of the Oppressor -Anne Lamott

I have been feeling that I need to write down my story that I should be aware of what has happened in my life and what is happening. I like to forget things, I like not to be effected but I am intensely sensitive to the happening around me!

Yesterday my roommate who I love didn’t mean to offend me when she said I wasn’t a real writer, she even said so (don’t worry I am not offended, not really) but it got me wondering what it means to be a real writer, like what qualifies you… if its about storytelling then are we not all capable of being writers. I know my flaws in the eyes of the school system and various friends
- bad grammar
- poor spelling
- uneducated in current discourse
But after attending a storytelling workshop a week back I have come to not believe all these things to be of the utmost importance, not when you like it. For years I have struggled in school to produce what I believed the teachers wants, what everyone else was giving and failed miserably.

I have had many conversations with my roommate Jenn about writing… like why one does it, who it’s for… what the purpose is. I like what Donald Miller has to say about his own writing experience which he attributes to Anne Lamott who I also appreciate… he writes this
“When I started writing this book I just wanted to end up with something like Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, because in Traveling Mercies it felt like she was free, free to be herself, to tell her story, to just vent, to rant, to speak as if she were talking to a friend” he also states that part of his writing was just being able to talk to himself! I think they both got it right one..its not about, it is kind of a narotic thing, i am trying to figure it out and be good at it in my own eyes.. i guess kinda like trying to be comfortable in my own skin ?

So this is why is wasn’t really an offence when I was told I wasn’t a real writer, we all have our own definitions that we try to live up to that we want to attain . I just realize that I am not the same kind of writer as others, others who maybe have had better education, more support and perhaps a more clear imagination then me. This is not meant to be excuses as to my inability to always articulate myself, just different things that shape my writings and others as well.

I ended up buying a book while I was in the airport and I finished reading it before I got to Palm Beach. I bought the five people you meet in heaven, it was good a read for the airplane ! ( this is the city I was in..West Palm Beach)


( here is there backyard and me and Michelle on our way to the beach)

When I stepped out of the airport I hit a wall of humidity and thought “my hair, my face, the sweat…eeeeeew” and then quickly turned back into the building because I wasn’t ready; two minutes passed and I swiftly made my way to the air conditioned car.
While we were driving down the highway we noticed that in the right lane ( we were in the left lane) the car in front of us( about 5 car lengths in front of us) was trying to move into our lane…there was no one in front us so he had free take of all the available space but I guess the car decided not to follow through so we merrily continued chatting and driving and then suddenly we were one car length behind this car and the car decided to move into our lane but now we were right there, but the car didn’t stop moving so we had to drive on a diagonal and end up driving right off the road… I WAS FREAKED! Ted and Michelle were curing left and right because now we were no longer on the highway and the car was in a ditch and this is how I started my trip.




When we pulled into their neighborhood I have to admit that part of me wanted it…the big beautiful house, the gated community and the two cars, the palm trees, Joel Olsten theology, the sunshine (ok so while writing this is started a crazy rainstorm and I went out to play and now I am soaked) … I am too hungry to continue writing.. brb

English muffin finished! The first day here was beautiful and full of sunshine… I went bike riding with the kids, breakfast with Michelle and her Mom Elaine (who also came here the same day as me) and then dinner with the whole family at a BBQ Hut thing… it was all fun minus the fighting and running around of the kids !

The rest of the days here were pretty chill, we went to beaches and this thing called City place which is basically one big mall that is outdoors and circular filled with pretty lights and palm trees….at night it turns into a big club…The night we went for a stroll it was Halloween celebration night…which meant a light of scantly dressed girls… young girls… like 15.. I know it was stinkin hot but who lets there kid out wearing nothing, I felt as if they should be in Dora pj;s or something !

( Here is Cityplace and Andreana, one of the kids I use to look after)

I am going home today and happy about it, although my time here has been fun, it has been stressful! I think I may have developed lung cancer or something like from all the smoking that has happened with me stuck in the car with no escape..Here are some pictures of my time.. Unfortunately it wasn’t all that sunny but I guess I can’t have it all.

OK so i dislike putting pictures on here because it is such a hassle and this is one of the reasons they look so unorganized !

Humid !

I am going to write about my trip to Florida when I get home but for now its a complaint.

I am trying to sleep, it is about 2am and 80 degrees in my room ( air conditioning is supposedly on?!?!?) I cant sleep, I need to sleep...ohhhh sleep !

SeaTac

My mind is all over the place.

I am sitting in Tully’s at the Seattle Airport. To be honest I am not really sure how I made it here this morning because all I remember is getting up, talking to a customs person, parking my car and now sitting here..All the rest is kind of a blur. I know that doesn’t sound safe but I can honestly tell you that my mind was mush when I was driving because of tiredness!

I am on my way to Florida for a week, I am not sure why I picked this time to go except that the ticket was dirt cheap and I haven’t been anywhere in a good month and a half… I have a midterm due the day I get back so hopefully I can magically become disciplined and start doing it on the plane ride there, or maybe I will wake early for a couple days to work on it…

I am hoping that my roommate doesn’t look for dust bunnies in my room because I guarantee they will be found, and then she will be disgusted and she might stop cooking and then who knows what might happen…plus I like those little dust bunnies they keep my company when I am reading !

I am really tired right now, all my eyes want to do it shut, I think they actually are shutting, but I am scared to close them to long because 1) I am in America and Americans are scary 2) someone might steal my backpack and that would be unfortunate 3) I wanna fall asleep on the airplane which puts to death any plans of starting my essay

Well my computer is going to die and I see no plug in site… I wish I did but I don’t:

I think I might go buy a book even though i dont have money for one and I also have a bunch of school books to entertain me...pooey !

Runnning Tunes

I went running today to prove to myself that I could beat the time I received the other day for running 1.5 miles. My roommate needed a test subject and well I had no where to hide, sadly I got a time of 14.40 which is not something to boast about!

While I was running I was listening to some music, in particular U2 and a couple Derek Webb songs. The song ‘I Repent’ came on and for a while I was just kind of dazed to the words, just using the actually music to keep my stamina up, I decided to listen to it again as I have been trying to focus my life on things bigger/higher then myself and as soon as I began to listen, conviction came.

To give a little context to why I felt convicted; it seems lately that I have been really critical of those who belong to the Christian faith, in particular those that attend church. I guess the correct word would be Judgmental, not outright but in my spirit, which is probably worse. I have been finding myself believing I am better because I don’t subscribe to certain tendencies or because I am resisting the status-quo syrupy vanilla syndrome that I see all around me. I don’t know when I figured it was ok for me to judge or look down upon something when I hardly know anything at all and when I am only in this place of my life because of grace! I have no authority because I am not doing anything to fight what it is that I dislike, I do not love people in my judgments, and I am not growing in these thoughts but instead becoming more and more cynical.
He opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
I don’t even want to be justified in my thoughts;
I want to think about what is good, pure, right, and lovely. I want to love people and inspire them and give them hope, I am suppose to be an image right? This is how I want to make a difference because my ideologies will not go very far; I know this because when people are spouting there’s to me, I just become cynical of them! Not all the time but the majority… I am judging it because I dont want to be like it. I think I am just sick of my self-being a complainer and a critic of something that is beautiful, spiritual and very intimate! I don’t know where peoples hearts are at, they could just be like mine… in a constant battle to choose what I believe to be right, in constant failure but most surely in constant grace!

Here are some excerpts from the song;

I repent; I repent of my pursuit of America’s dream
I repent; I repent of living like I deserve anything

I repent of parading my liberty
I repent of paying for what I get for free
And for the way I believe that I am living right
By trading sins for others that are easier to hide
I am wrong and of these things I repent

I repent judging by a law that even I can't keep
Of wearing righteousness like a disguise
To see through the planks in my own eyes

I repent of trading truth for false unity
I repent of confusing peace and idolatry
By caring more of what they think than what I know of what we need
By domesticating you until you look just like me
I am wrong and of these things I repent


Aghh I am sick of myself, I am doing the very think I detest in others and the worst part is that I have been justifying it !

Plus who wants to be around a critical person all the time..hmm I take that back since there was once someone that was like that, that I enjoyed being around but thats besides the point and this person is far away now!

Last Night

Last night I was inspired by my lovely mentor who breathed some life into
this withering excuse of a human who consistently chooses the mundane over the extraordinary.

What has become my prayer;

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

My Life Right Now through Pictures

So this post should start off with an Introduction to my roommate extrordinare ( I don't know how to spell and thats not the point of this blog, k !) She is a vegan, feminist, anti-religious, sarcastic, red headed ( non-natural) overly accepting, generous, cooker of my food and Jesus following friend person, just a wall away, she loves this picture of herself so i thought it would be best to use for her !

Here is Chow Chow, he is fierce and likes to stare at uswhen he is left outside, then he likes to bark at us , then after thats all done , we try to approach him and he runs away like he is about to be slaughtered or something !

Next we have the by-product of a 3 month City wide civic strike..isnt it a beauty !

Now in case you cant tell , these are leaves, they are crunchy and pretty and like to fall on my car all the time !

So halloween is in the air, Me and Jenn

were out for a walk the other day and this yard found us, maybe one day I will be one of those people filled with spirit and deciede to decorate my yard... but then again maybe I wont be.

This is me and Leah( otherwise known as Leah#2). She is kinda one of my fav people, but I dont like her knowing because sometimes her young age gets in the way of her thinking straight......

I Dont Get It !

I am in the library being a good little student getting my study on with my roommate who is sitting right behind me presumably doing the same thing! I need a break, I get bored easily and my chapter on Ethical Issues has expidiated the boredom process.

I have been all over the board with emotions in these past 5 days from driving in my car crying (if you know me you would know why this is important); to walking in my neighborhood gazing at the mountains feeling peace and contentness with my life; to wanting to be in a relationship then moments later realizing that I don’t really want that; to feelings of intense apathy and then feelings of inspiration of all sorts. I don’t get it but then it’s probably because I don’t care to get it!

The pursuit of romantic type relationships has been a sore topic for me this past month or so. I am sure my friend Leah would agree that we are being increasingly disturbed at the amount of people who are doing anything possible to find a husband , things like going to the right church filled with young people, acting in a way they believe a guy will want, reading books, buying the right music*( look down below) ..Creating in them the ideal women while never really being that or knowing where the ideal came from plus not understanding that these things they are doing are transparent. this is ridiculous, why be something your not to be in a relationship that if your lucky will last you 5 years that will then leave you divorced and alone, the very thing you don’t want ! We are a stupid generation, an annoying one, there are more important things then being married…frik its not so scary being single! I don’t get it, but then I do!

I have been trying to figure out what it is I care about, not what people tell me they think I care about but that thing deep inside that gives me the ability to inspire and change situations within my own community and beyond as well. In some of my friend’s lives I can see clearly what they are passionate about, what gets there hearts racing… why can’t I see it in me? Does it mean I don’t care about anything...or maybe I just can’t choose what is most important to me, maybe care isn’t the correct word… passion maybe?

Grrr I can’t study and I don’t want to. Its beautiful outside but all I see is mustard colored desk with scribbling written all over it that seem irrelevant when the sun is glowing and the rain and wind sleeping. Why am I inside, I don’t get it


*( side note my roommate Jenn just told me my horoscope (which I believe are foolish) that I may meet a new friend that could very well turn into a romantic interest….go figure… just as I am writing this )

Blitzer !

Last night I had such a fun night. Me and Leah went to our friend Gloria’s place for a sleepover…Which started with us eating nachos, pulling our hair back, playing some Dutch blitz and then ending with a photo session and sleep then starting the next day with Timmy’s, more Dutch blitz and dancing around ! I don’t think I had laughed that much and so hard in a long time. These girls are big cheaters in Dutch blitz but that’s ok because my talent still surpassed their abilities in the end

I love dancing and Timmy’s and Gloria and my other half Leah… me and her ended the day with some intense studying time with added conversations about power imbalances and socio-economic status which pertain to both of our chosen fields !

Friends are lovely!

and roomates who love you no matter what you are wearing !

You steal my heart

I have had a really amazing week which has made me grateful and suspicious! Grateful because even with all the rain and fog I have woken up most mornings with a smile for no one particular reason, more a multitude of different situations colliding with one another to produce something like joy! Suspicious because I am a human and I am wondering when the inevitable plunge will occur.

I am reading a book called Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli that my roommate lent me, as I read I become more and more convicted that life is more then whatever it is right now…. That “sameness is a virus that infects members of industrialized nations and causes an allergic reaction to anyone who is different. This virus effects the decision making part of our brains, resulting in an obsession with making identical choices everyone else is making” (78) Ha lovely is what I think, I think more but its kind of private for right now ! All I know is that I am bored with my condition in being like everyone else, even worse is that desire that I have to be like them and I am not talking about the people of the mainstream culture!

This song has been humming around in my head for the last 3 days
Everything- Lifehouse

You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

My heart has been yearning for missions again, at a local level as well as international! After my TREK experience I felt as if I would never be able to do it again, I felt lost, alone, forgotten in a way..Not because of the trip itself but by coming back and not feeling like I belonged or was wanted...it was weird.. I questioned a lot but in the end it was good and I was brought back to a place where my hearts desire was that of Isaiah’s where he says “Here I am, Send Me”!!! This is where I am right now waiting, not sure of what I will hear or where I will go but knowing that this is what I love!

Not really sure !

I am not very good at blogging, that’s why I haven’t been doing it very often! So right now I am just going to simply state what I have been feeling /going through!

1) I feel confined… confined by my clothing, my religion, my laziness and apathy, its like I try to break free but just run into walls and bruise my face or just get much dreaded pimples !
2) I am feeling really confused about my mind and its limitations as of late! I cant seem to remember anything or retrieve thoughts and ideas that I know are in my head...it goes from the simple “where are my keys, I know you’ve stolen them Jenn “(roommate) to theories that I have studied for the last 3 years in school as well to verses and themes in the bible that have had substantial impact on my life! This is really driving me crazy because I feel like I am trying to so hard to understand and remember things with no avail.
3) I feel like my heart and soul are crying out use me! Use me! Use me! But there is no result I just feel like a disillusioned lethargic fool!
I don’t mean to sound bummed, I am not really… I just don’t want to be wasting time. I want to use the gifts that I have been given but I am not sure where my place is because more and more I don’t feel like it is with privileged rich kids that somehow don’t get it ( I know I need an attitude change)
I have to admit last week I wasted a lot and didn’t even feel convicted about it so I thought to search out something that would speak against wasting time or at least something to inspire me for the rest of this season

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to count our days that we may gain a wise heart." That’s what I want to do..Thats what I have been praying and seeking and ya its simple but it means something to me in this season of my life ! I found this prayer/poem which I think speaks to the general culture around time today

Michel Quoist, "Lord, I Have Time."
I went out Lord,
People were coming and going
Walking and running.
Everything was rushing: cars, trucks, the street, the whole town.
People were rushing not to waste time.
They were rushing after time,
To catch up with time, to gain time.
"Good-bye, Sir, excuse me, I haven't time.
I'll come back. I can't wait, I haven't time.
I must end this letter, I haven't time.
I'd love to help you, but I haven't time.
I can't accept, having no time.
I can't think, I can't read, I'm swamped, I haven't time.
I'd like to pray, but I haven't time.
"Lord, you have made a big mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
The hours are too short,
The days are too short,
Our lives are too short."

Peace of Mind

He says there's no me without him... Please help me forget about him
He takes all my energy... Trapped in my memory
Constantly holding me... Constantly holding me

I need to tell you all... All the pain he's caused
I need to tell you I'm... I'm undone because

He says it's impossible... But I know it's possible
He says it's impossible without him... But I know it's possible
To finally be in love... And know the real meaning of
A lasting relationship... Not based on ownership
I trust every part of u.... Cause all that you say you do
You love me despite myself Sometimes I...
I fight myself I just can't believe that you.... Would have anything to do
With someone so insecure... Someone so immature
Ohh you inspire me, to be the higher me

You make my desire pure... You make my desire pure
Just tell me what to say... I can't find the words to say
Please don't be mad with me... I have no identity
All that I've known is gone... All I was building on
I wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you?

Lauren Hill