Oct 13, 2007

I Dont Get It !

I am in the library being a good little student getting my study on with my roommate who is sitting right behind me presumably doing the same thing! I need a break, I get bored easily and my chapter on Ethical Issues has expidiated the boredom process.

I have been all over the board with emotions in these past 5 days from driving in my car crying (if you know me you would know why this is important); to walking in my neighborhood gazing at the mountains feeling peace and contentness with my life; to wanting to be in a relationship then moments later realizing that I don’t really want that; to feelings of intense apathy and then feelings of inspiration of all sorts. I don’t get it but then it’s probably because I don’t care to get it!

The pursuit of romantic type relationships has been a sore topic for me this past month or so. I am sure my friend Leah would agree that we are being increasingly disturbed at the amount of people who are doing anything possible to find a husband , things like going to the right church filled with young people, acting in a way they believe a guy will want, reading books, buying the right music*( look down below) ..Creating in them the ideal women while never really being that or knowing where the ideal came from plus not understanding that these things they are doing are transparent. this is ridiculous, why be something your not to be in a relationship that if your lucky will last you 5 years that will then leave you divorced and alone, the very thing you don’t want ! We are a stupid generation, an annoying one, there are more important things then being married…frik its not so scary being single! I don’t get it, but then I do!

I have been trying to figure out what it is I care about, not what people tell me they think I care about but that thing deep inside that gives me the ability to inspire and change situations within my own community and beyond as well. In some of my friend’s lives I can see clearly what they are passionate about, what gets there hearts racing… why can’t I see it in me? Does it mean I don’t care about anything...or maybe I just can’t choose what is most important to me, maybe care isn’t the correct word… passion maybe?

Grrr I can’t study and I don’t want to. Its beautiful outside but all I see is mustard colored desk with scribbling written all over it that seem irrelevant when the sun is glowing and the rain and wind sleeping. Why am I inside, I don’t get it

*( side note my roommate Jenn just told me my horoscope (which I believe are foolish) that I may meet a new friend that could very well turn into a romantic interest….go figure… just as I am writing this )


leah said...

What is up with that picture?

It's so weird eh? (I put that EH in for you)... how we want to be with someone, yet not, all at the same time. I just remember reading this somewhere or hearing it from someone... it went something like this: we shouldn't view marriage as something that will complete us. And I'm considering that more and more because if we take it in its pure essence, it's actually quite true. Why don't more people, who think a single status is abnormal or just not right, view life more in that context? I think that ties up to that "ideal family" we were talking about... nice husband, nice house, nice kids, nice car. It makes me want to vomit.

Jenn said...

amen to that - I remember my cousin's wedding where in her vows she said only once we're right with God does he bring our spouse into our lives - I just about died - how hateful can you be - Mother Teresa wasn't right with God? Sheesh, I guess not. I brings up a blog I wrote about what we - being women have done to ourselves in the church - I agree with you too wholly - it doesn't help that the whole world - not just the Christian community has the whole marriage and relationship messed up.

Jenn said...

hey I just wanted to add - I did it, deleted the MennoMeet account - after considering Eric's email it made me realize that it would inheritantly not succeed because it's a life course counter to mine now and for the near future. So that's it free from all the stress of trying to make myself fit. I agree with the "second leah" it makes me want to vomit too