Oct 1, 2007

Not really sure !

I am not very good at blogging, that’s why I haven’t been doing it very often! So right now I am just going to simply state what I have been feeling /going through!

1) I feel confined… confined by my clothing, my religion, my laziness and apathy, its like I try to break free but just run into walls and bruise my face or just get much dreaded pimples !
2) I am feeling really confused about my mind and its limitations as of late! I cant seem to remember anything or retrieve thoughts and ideas that I know are in my head...it goes from the simple “where are my keys, I know you’ve stolen them Jenn “(roommate) to theories that I have studied for the last 3 years in school as well to verses and themes in the bible that have had substantial impact on my life! This is really driving me crazy because I feel like I am trying to so hard to understand and remember things with no avail.
3) I feel like my heart and soul are crying out use me! Use me! Use me! But there is no result I just feel like a disillusioned lethargic fool!
I don’t mean to sound bummed, I am not really… I just don’t want to be wasting time. I want to use the gifts that I have been given but I am not sure where my place is because more and more I don’t feel like it is with privileged rich kids that somehow don’t get it ( I know I need an attitude change)
I have to admit last week I wasted a lot and didn’t even feel convicted about it so I thought to search out something that would speak against wasting time or at least something to inspire me for the rest of this season

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to count our days that we may gain a wise heart." That’s what I want to do..Thats what I have been praying and seeking and ya its simple but it means something to me in this season of my life ! I found this prayer/poem which I think speaks to the general culture around time today

Michel Quoist, "Lord, I Have Time."
I went out Lord,
People were coming and going
Walking and running.
Everything was rushing: cars, trucks, the street, the whole town.
People were rushing not to waste time.
They were rushing after time,
To catch up with time, to gain time.
"Good-bye, Sir, excuse me, I haven't time.
I'll come back. I can't wait, I haven't time.
I must end this letter, I haven't time.
I'd love to help you, but I haven't time.
I can't accept, having no time.
I can't think, I can't read, I'm swamped, I haven't time.
I'd like to pray, but I haven't time.
"Lord, you have made a big mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
The hours are too short,
The days are too short,
Our lives are too short."


Jenn said...

First of all you can blog, it's in you and we'll drag it out. Now yes I do routinely steal your keys.... I've been feeling the same - out of sorts - for probably a lot of the same reason - school, work issues, boy issues and life. The closer graduation comes, the closer those big milestones come the panic sets in - and I'm sure it doesn't help that I seem to be running on indecisiveness and panicked apathy overdrive. I think you're being guided to find a new way to do life - no running from place to place, find time to orient yourself - so that you don't miss out on you.

Speaking of memory please do hand in the assignment to CDE

Jenn said...

While it's not our favorite - Over My Head song, I think that it's interesting take on your situation - we're all over our heads, me with anatomy and you with Hereos

Over My Head by: Andrew Peterson

She was a fine theologian who passed for a Pope
And she never ever was able to say
That she wanted no more of the bishops and the board
But what she needed was a good man for a day
So she wept in her chambers
And burned like a flame
For a man by the name of Sir Next Dope that came in the room

She said I'm in over my, over my, over my head
If they knew i was nothing but gold plated lead,
They'd stone me, dethrone me and leave me for dead
I'm in over, my over my head

Well the bishop from Thames
Had a bloody good name and
Was a good looking devil to boot
So when he showed up that evening for the annual meeting
With the pope that he thought that he knew
Understandably stunned that the pope was a nun
The bishop initially started to run
But their meetings were frequent and secretly done
When she told him that a baby would come

He said I'm in over my, over my, over my head
If they knew i was nothing but gold plated lead,
They'd stone me, dethrone me and leave me for dead
I'm in over, my over my head
I'm in over, my over my head

Well I live in Nashvegas and I sing and I play
And everybody thinks that I write my own
There's a fellow named Guido who lives in Encino
Who wrote every song that I know
Well he sends MP3's for a nominal fee
And I sing 'em and play them and tell them it's me

I'm in over my, over my, over my head
If they knew i was nothing but gold plated lead,
They'd stone, me disown me and leave me for dead
I'm in over my, over my head
I'm in over my, over my head

LeahA said...

I handed it in my dear.....
I like that song/poem I thinK i NEED to read it again !

Jenn said...

Found it,
Isaiah 6: Shaun Groves - "amazing grace, perfect love, washing me, in a crimson flood, flowing down from my wounded King, this changes everything. so here i am save me, so here i am change me, and here i am mend me, here i am send me, here i am send me... (he goes on to talk about Isaiah 6) the prayer he ends the song with struck me... God, here i am save me, i'm nothing without you and i need a Father, i need someone to take this weight of sin and this fear of forever away, God save me. God, here i am change me, i know that you're my dad, and i'm your girl, but i don't look like it and i need you to change the way that i live and think so that i look more like you. God, here i am mend me, i'm weighted down by these worries and these fears and i need direction, i just don't know where i'm going, i feel lost and confused and some days i don't want to get out of bed and God i need you to mend me, or God, here i am send me, you've done amazing things in my life, and I just can't give you a song, where is it that you want me to be your hand and feet, who needs the love you've given me, here i am send me.