I went out with my Mom today to an area that I spent the majority of my childhood when I wasn’t on the reservation.
My dad also called me today; it has been almost a year since I have heard from him.
These two things occurring made me think about why I am the way I am. This isn’t meant to be a “woe is me account” but a reflection on why I am not good in relationships.
I met my dad when I was 10 and since then he has been in and out of my life…periods from 2 months to just under 3 years because of shame he feels with his drinking and alcohol use. He never thinks himself good enough to be around me and I just want him around.
When I was growing up with my mom there were many times I was sent to live with relatives or in foster homes… she had a messed up childhood living on Rez and did the best she could with me but found herself in situations were she left me… all the time, with people I didn’t want to be with, people who hurt me.
I felt abandoned. I didn’t get it. I was young.
It makes sense to me why 3 out of the 4 relationship thingy’s I have been in have happened with people who don’t live remotely close to me. If they are far away naturally they cant leave me… the sick thing is the way I justify it is my manipulating the “guard your heart” passage.
I wish I wasn’t left all the time, I wish I trusted more, I wish my dad would believe the words I say when I tell him that he matters, that his is worth it in his messiness.
The funny thing is, this is why I love people, why I was made for other people. It breaks me when I met people who are hurting because hurt is someone I am well aquatinted with and someone I don’t want to pass to another or allow anyone to live with.
It’s about living beyond me.
It’s about love.