Stumbling Around in Circles

Things inspire me

Today I went to my schools coffee place and someone gave me this warm smile and this produced in me the desire to write my paper

Sine this person inspired me I started humming* to myself as I was walking to the 6th floor dungeon which is the SFU quiet study area which really isn’t that quiet after all

I hummed and totally forgot that others were walking up the stairs along side me probably wondering what the heck is this girl on?!?

Well if you ask, it’s a little inspiration!

So now I sit with my roommate trudging along in the desk behind me*, my Americano in one hand, and my brain in full gear to pull out 20 pages of words, words that need to mean something in the end.



*the song I was humming to is called “Some Hearts” Carrie Underwood but now I am humming to “Working 9-5” by Ms Dolly

* My roommate probably isn’t studying but actually worrying about her Georgia Straight Ad that came out today!


Ok so paper, yes paper !

This isnt a good one

I feel so defeated right now, I feel mad and upset and I don’t know what to do or who to blame or what to do…I just wanna swear and feel safe. I feel so hopeless right now.

There are too many things on my plate, there is too little me, there is not enough room for error or wisdom on how to teach myself to learn and remember and how to be what they want me to be.

I feel so hopeless right now, I don’t want to fail or cry or give up …no ones made room for that… I want someone here, someone that understands, not just pretends they do… I want someone here , someone to help .

I don’t know the plans for my life, I can barely pass school so why am I in it…why do I pretend that that’s where I am suppose to be… I have never fit into it…

I wish there would have been someone there along the way that would have told me to do my homework or go to school or give a damn…why did i feel like I was suppose to go to school if I feel the way I feel right now…so hopeless… no direction seems like the right one…I just want to crawl away somewhere where people wont be so optimistic or demanding or disapointed or anything

I wanna be somewhere where I don’t feel like such a screw-up and a mess and a complainer and were its all right.

I feel so defeated right now

Same Crush One Week later

Last week I came home with the beauty of a man lingering in my head.
This week he was a no show and I find my roommate writing an ad in craigslist putting into the world that she is looking for her destiny, who just happens to be my destiny!

This week unfortunately my eyes caught the eyes of someone who was trying to catch my eyes while I was walking down the street to where I was suppose to see the beauty I was talking about last week and so following the lead of my roommate I wrote an add in craigslist about him…

Ha the lives of 20 something year olds living in Vancouver !

Learning

I was just reading through some old journals and blogs and it was nice to see how far I have come along in the past 4 years.

I am not good with words so I am going to steal some peoples like Douglas Coupland in his book “Life after God” in which he tells us his secret, a secret that I share …. The secret is
“I need God-I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me to be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond able to Love”

I was out with my dad today and he just amazed me! Most of the people I hang out with have it pretty together and then I hang out with my dad who is messed up and who do I see God in? My dad! Why him? Well I have to start with when I was living in Montreal the first time on TREK I had this roommate named Laura, we shared a room and a bed for 8 months and she was the first to teach me about forgiveness. She did this by displaying it to me; she couldn’t go to bed without saying sorry to me if we had a disagreement, which was probably my fault because I can be quite inconsiderate at times.
The same thing I can say about my dad… I have all these friends who talk about Grace and Love and I don’t see them do anything about it, they all just seem to complain about this and that; the same goes for me... I am all talk!
But my dad, he isn’t all talk… he believes in people, in giving them a chance, he remembers that they are human and he allows them to be that. I am upset inside because he wont accept it, he doesn’t believe he is worth … he is the only person that I have met that actually feels repentance over the choices that he is made.. The only one… so today I feel like I learned something about repentance… and grace. I don’t know how long my dad will stay around but I am more then grateful he is here, I need him.

I believe we need relationships and people, at least I believe it for myself. I think certain people can remind us not to be so selfish about things like our time and abilities…the more people I encounter the more I become convinced that there are a lot of lonely people at there, lots of hurt and here I am sitting in luxury of friends and “things” and gosh everything and with such an ungrateful heart… Its not that the things are bad, it’s the heart that’s the problem…it’s my condition that is saying I need more and that I don’t need to give more out… I feel so scrambled inside my heart… like I need to purge myself of something…

Here are more words I am going to steal from the author of the book “practicing the presence of people”

“To be in the presence of even the meanest, lowest, most repulsive specimen of humanity it still to be closer to God than when looking up into a starry sky or a beautiful sunset”

No smiling aloud !

Only two things inside my head at the moment

Simple no, tired yes!


Its 6 am and I am getting you your coffee so don’t you make me smile at you… I feel tired and yucky and your smiling my way and that doesn’t work in my mind at 6 am because all I am thinking about is coffee and sleep and now your smile!

My roommate thinks I fit into the category of vegetarian that the rest of the world thinks of as vegetarians…she had a word for the kinds of foods I eat as lacto eco neo vegetarian or something like that

So I bought some pork chops today while I was with her; she almost got a new basket for her stuff, then my drink spilt in her bag… maybe someone was trying to tell her something.

I eat meat but not cheese or any food that has a mushy texture.

Same Crush

So here is the dilemma;

My dear roommate has decided to have a crush on a guy I think to be very very very beautiful … like exponentially more beautiful then any random good lookin dude walking down the street. I saw him first its true but she made it known that she thought he was a beauty before I had the chance….

We have a crush on the same guy… go figure.

So the story goes that she has chosen to be off the market for a year and a bit and me, well I don’t make silly promises like that cause I know I can’t keep em!

So should I date him until Jenn makes herself available and then dump him and let her go on with him. Or should I just push her out of the picture all together?

Ok so I know I am getting a little ahead of myself since I don’t even know the guys name and if I were ever given a chance to talk to him I would probably say something that didn’t sound like English, that didn’t sound like human.

Maybe next week I will accidentally push her into him !

So I guess the first line isnt really describing a true situation...there is no dilema.. i just couldnt figure out the correct word to use :P

p.s after writing a blog about how i deteste cheese my roomate makes this dish...
ok so its not cheese but it sure looks like it...

Things I wasnt made for

As I was getting out of my beautifully warm shower just a moment ago I realized I wasn’t made for the cold! This got me thinking about other things I wasn’t made for;
• Cheese
• Bad breath
• Cars that don’t automatically fix themselves
• Bad odor
• Snoring
• Light stealers ( my father brought this to my attention this afternoon…the topic of boys being drawn to my “ light” and then stealing it)
• Mushy mushrooms
• Non mountain scenery
• Red lights
• Radar guns
• Cheese again ( believe me this is a strong point)
• 4 am mornings
• 3 am nights
• Dumb people… as in dumb ass people
• Horror films ( I was born with real bad things don’t go away from me memory syndrome)
• 20 days in a row of rainy days
• Cell phone that don’t work when they are suppose to
• -40 degree weather
• Any Colour other then the Colour purple
• Friends that never call until you call
• Milk based starbucks beverages…its soy all the way
• Apathy
And finally meanness and essays over 10 pages

And that is what I think about when I take warm showers!

Why I am no good in Relashionships.

I went out with my Mom today to an area that I spent the majority of my childhood when I wasn’t on the reservation.

My dad also called me today; it has been almost a year since I have heard from him.

These two things occurring made me think about why I am the way I am. This isn’t meant to be a “woe is me account” but a reflection on why I am not good in relationships.
I met my dad when I was 10 and since then he has been in and out of my life…periods from 2 months to just under 3 years because of shame he feels with his drinking and alcohol use. He never thinks himself good enough to be around me and I just want him around.
When I was growing up with my mom there were many times I was sent to live with relatives or in foster homes… she had a messed up childhood living on Rez and did the best she could with me but found herself in situations were she left me… all the time, with people I didn’t want to be with, people who hurt me.
I felt abandoned. I didn’t get it. I was young.

It makes sense to me why 3 out of the 4 relationship thingy’s I have been in have happened with people who don’t live remotely close to me. If they are far away naturally they cant leave me… the sick thing is the way I justify it is my manipulating the “guard your heart” passage.

I wish I wasn’t left all the time, I wish I trusted more, I wish my dad would believe the words I say when I tell him that he matters, that his is worth it in his messiness.

The funny thing is, this is why I love people, why I was made for other people. It breaks me when I met people who are hurting because hurt is someone I am well aquatinted with and someone I don’t want to pass to another or allow anyone to live with.
It’s about living beyond me.
It’s about love.

Restless

I am in one of my antsy, fidgety, restless, pacing, want to go to sleep (I know this contradicts the other things, but whatever, its how I feel) I don’t know what to do with myself moods.
These moods are not good because I tend to;
Annoy my roommate
Eat
Sleep (big no no, since I just had a 4 hour nap until 7 pm)
Spend too much time on facebook
Bother my roommate
Waste water in too long of showers
Start picking at my nails...ie. Biting...ewwwwww

I have lots of homework to do, but I don’t want to do it at this moment because like I said before I am in a fidgety mood and I wont be able to produce a good quality of work to hand in.

I am not sure why I want what’s not good for me (actually I understand WHY I want it, but not why, notice the difference) … this thing I want will not add to the quality of my life, will not satisfy longer then the moment, will add a heavy weight to my life probably wont stay around long, and will keep me in want… stupid chocolate…

Ok so maybe its not chocolate but you get the point.

I wanna go and dance, the hallway looks like a good floor!


side note... so I am glad I have Jenn because she try's and helps me see that the thing i want is not the thing that is best for me.. yaaaa roommates.

Smells

A man walked into my store today smelling delicious

Yes I said Delicious

...bite me !

ARGGGGGGGG

I want to cry

I never want to cry

It’s my own fault and it’s stupid!

I need to scream, or maybe punch someone really really hard!

It’s my own fault and it’s very stupid!

It’s about school and there is nothing left to do about it.

Laziness and procrastination will be my own undoing…or better yet this past summer

is to blame.

You dont have to live like this !

I am not going to go, I am going to go, I am not going to go

I went!

Leah gave me her Indecisive syndrome !

I went and had a beautiful time. Gloria, Leah, Grace, Franny and I went to Seattle this past Sunday to attend a conference by Rob Bell titled “The Gods aren’t Angry”. which was "Part anthropology, part history, part deconstruction - this is new material that Rob hasn't taught before, exploring how humans invented religion to make themselves feel better". He was brilliant and I enjoyed what he spoke about but the day was more then about him.

Some friends gave me little nuggets of wisdom about my time there after I explained to them that I had not laughed as hard and as much as I did while wandering around Seattle. I was there for this and not that .

Even trying to explain it and show pictures doesn’t seem descriptive enough, maybe perhaps because it was for me . But here are some pictures anyways….

(To give a little perspective on the way we were acting… just think to the last time you were at the mall and saw a bunch of teenage girls together, laughing and being annoying as if no one else were around. Now just replace that with five 20 something year olds ! )


(before we got in the car)

( fighting the fierce Seattle wind)

( still fighting)


(Victoria Secret photo session)

( Gloryorya and I posing for Leah)

(Inside the conference)


( one of the Few shots of Leah (with Grace) since she was the photographer)

( doing the unimaginable..eating cheesecake)

I have been thinking about this portion of the song Oh My God by Jars of Clay for the last while…..

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other


I have always heard the word Mercy being thrown around in conversations but to tell you the truth I don’t really understand it as a concept, like it just doesn’t tic in my head, but always the idea of mercy cutting deep seems to resonate in my mind. So the researcher that I can be in specific moments of the day...Right now being 11:07pm decided to look at what it means
The dictionary meaning is: compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence

The discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, esp. to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

But even that doesn’t do it for me ! I understand the second definition more then the first, but I am wondering what mercy looks like in my life, in my friend’s life and in faith?
Is it turning misery into relief?
Is it kindness and forgiveness?
Is it cutting do deep because I am so guilty?

Things are suppose to be simple so a child can understand but why do I have such difficulties understanding?

Do I not understand it because I dont see it?

side note: When I typed "Mercy" into Google Images I found multiple images of glowing Jesus's and for some reason I dont thing thats what Mercy is !

second side note: we live in an amazing planet, I just finished watching Planet Earth with a friend and I am in awe ! watch it and see the beauty that we live in if you are unable to see the beauty already !

Up to this Point

So love;

I was in love once or possibly twice, actually maybe I was in love once and have loved twice. Make sense?

I have been thinking about the relationships I have had with the opposite gender

The good ones
The long ones
The heartbreaking ones
The short ones
The confusing ones

My first boyfriend was my first love, or what I thought love was at that time. He was also my only real relationship relationship. I never expected it but it happened, I never thought about him until he asked me out. Ha I was young and things have changed.
I hope.
Let’s name him C.
We were young, things were intense. It went back and forth for 4 years until finally it dissolved…
With lots of tears.

The next person that caught my interest caught it for a year before anything took place. I liked him and wanted something to happen. In my head I figured something would.
He was everything C wasn’t. I was dating C when I met him.
I wasn’t allowed to date him because of the program I was in and because I was dating C.
We were friends. I liked him. I didn’t know he liked me. We dated for 3 months. He bought me a Canuck jersey, we are still friends. He was what I would call a ½ relationship relationship.
We will call him S.

I loved this next person. I never told him but he knew. I have never been treated better by anyone. He was genuine and sweet and maybe too good for me. He wanted me but I pushed him away because, well I am not sure right now.
Maybe because it was a summer thing?
Maybe it was because it was another Montréal thing?
I won’t ever know. He was what I would call my non relationship relationship. We were never actually going out.
His name will be R.

The last person I can actually consider as someone I was seeing took place in Quebec as well … (that province!)
He was in my French program. When I met him/saw him, I knew. I am not sure why I knew since he didn’t fit into any of the categories of “types” that I like. But I just did. Something happened; I say it was something good. I can’t define what we are because there is no definition really. And plus he doesn’t like that whole definition thing…whatever.
He was difficult. I was confused. He was smart. I was intrigued. It was the summer and it had to end. He was more of a non-relationship relationship but he was also less because there was hand holding.
He will be J.
I have no real reason for writing about these people besides the point that I wanted to. And this is about me doing what I want.

The doors are locked

I feel like I am floundering in school right now

Slowly

Destructively

Passively

I know it’s my own undoing but I cant get the gears in my head to start moving .

Great

My house smells like my first experience living in Montreal...

Memory's are great !

Pasta is great as well !

Gavin DeGraw music is great !

And the last thing for today that is great is Soy Chai Latte muffins that my roommate is making right this moment !