Taking Chances

I haven’t been on a real date in a long time. I have hung out/gone out/chilled with guys before but I don’t think those moments count because they kind of just happened upon me as if it was suppose to be that way. In the summer I hung out with 'J' a lot and although he would never admit it, we were dating, we just never went on a date.

I think the difference between that and this is that this is intentional, personal and there is the little factor of me having a crush. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just not care but I don’t think that is possible when me and T basically talk every night on the phone which is mixed in with all those other random moments on msn and webcam……

I think the reason I set my self up against it in the beginning is that I came to believe that the only people who would use these types of sites would be the anti-social, stinky, annoying, creepy and a bit boring type and I don’t want to believe that that is me.

So sushi, cookie making and wine drinking here I come, wish me luck!

P.S If it doesn’t work out It always makes for some self debasing humor and a good blog. Plus life is about taking chances right?

Rain

More advice



If you live in Vancouver and its raining don’t use an umbrella. Sounds absurd I know since you will most likely mess everything from you knees up but it’s not absurd...

For example today I went out with an umbrella to stop the rain from touching my pretty hair, and well what do you know while I was walking the darn thing decided to fly away from me leaving me with just the handle...

I stopped and looked around and saw everyone looking at me inwardly hearing them laugh and say " oh that poor girl and her pretty hair”.....

The logic with not having an umbrella is that you will dress more appropriately, like with rain jacket, hats and gum boots....so throw those umbrellas away because you never know when they will fly away on you leaving you a mess.

Dont do it !

Advice:

Do not watch cute girlie movies before you plan on going on a date....

FRIK I am getting nervous, can someone slap me?!?! ( Not you Leah)

Giggling on the stoop

so me and my roommate have found out that we have our very own “porch, stoop” type area … you know the place were two old women sit and gossip about the going ons of their community…well we have that place and its in the form of my bedroom window…just today I found myself yelling at the charter bus that was trying to turn a tight corner that my car just happens to happily sit…my mind could almost hear that big bus hitting my little baby….and then just moments ago I heard male voices in front of the “porch” and I sneakily turned off my lights, and looked out to see what appeared to be two young guys trying to explain Mormonism to our landlords…quickly I called my roomie in to aid in the spying and this is when we decided that my bedroom window is our “porch” metaphorically speaking of course. Here is what it looks like when one looks out of our porch :)

In my mind

There have been some thoughts lingering around in my head, these thoughts have birthed into words found below, words that are not mine but none the less fully expressive of what it looks like in my head today.
So thank you Douglas Coupland and Michael Tolcher.

“ When you’re young, you always feel like life hasn’t yet begun-that “life” is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year-after the holidays-whenever. But then suddenly you’re old and your scheduled life didn’t arrive. You find yourself asking, “Well then, exactly what was it I was having-that interlude-the scrambly madness-all that time I had before” (Coupland, 147)


While I was working out today I was listening to this song called “Waiting” which I have heard a thousand times before, well while I was running I just kept listening to it over and over and over again and I was trying to figure out what about it that was resonating with me…and it was the message of life….life right now….living in my story….not waiting for things to begin because they have….just like the Quote above from one of my new reads “ Life After God”. I don’t live enough in right now……

Somewhere off in the distance,
On the other side of your resistance
Lies, a peaceful existence
It waits
What a difference it makes
Without boundaries, no limits, no maximum reach
No guidelines to follow
One promise to each his own
Individual
A self-destination
A wide-open journey
on a path to
Creation
Your
Life
Is
Happening
Now
(Tolcher)

Contemplation

When I was on TREK a couple years back we had Eden Jersak come in and teach us a session on hearing the voice of God was . One of the activities she had us go through was to contemplate the words of a song. I felt that this was valuable on many levels back in those days because it aided me in looking at my own condition and allowing my spirit to be spoken to without feeling totally freaked out (In those days I thought anything spiritual had the tendency to freak me out) …

I thought it would be nice to do this once again, and with the song that she choose for us.

The song is Oh Jerusalem by Lauren Hill…… what she had us do was replace “Oh Jerusalem” with our own name …the lyrics and song are below if you choose to engage yourself.




Oh Jerusalem yeah, oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem...

Realizing that there's no place else to go
And there's nobody I know who can help here
Text book solutions are so improbable
Cuz everybody else is just as empty
Naked as the day that I was born, I tried to hide
Behind education and philosophy
Hopeless explanation to describe a situation
I can't see because the world's on top of me

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me
From the body of this death
Freeing me from dust, and the superficial trust
Of an enemy that seeks to take my breath
Failing to connect, cuz I'm morally defect
By reason of the God inside my head
Causing me to see, only what pertains to me
Believing I'm alive when I'm still dead
Limited to earth, unable to find out my worth
Cuz I can't see past my own vanity
If I'm not included, then I just have to remove it
From my mind because it has to be insanity

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me
From the body of this death
Can I even factor, that I've only been an actor
In this staged interpretation of this day
Focused on the shadow, with my back turned to the light
Too intelligent to see it's me in the way
What a paradox, having God trapped in a box
All this time professing to be spiritual
Naturally pretending, that I'm actually defending
God through my façade, only material

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou may be saved from thy deception
How long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, oh Jerusalem
Keeping thee from perfection

Submit to truth, leave the deception of thy youth
So we can walk in the council of authority
Forget the proof, a generation so aloof
Only following the steps of the majority
Trust in the Lord, with all thy heart
And lean not to thine own understanding in all thy ways
Acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths
Be not wise in thine own eyes that you can’t follow him
We judge and condemn, just as ignorant as them
Who religion tells us that we should ignore
Perpetrating we're in covenant with Him
Exposed by the very things that we adore
We grin and shake hands, then lay ambush for the man
Who has a different point of view than us
Infuriated cuz he doesn't understand
Bringing up those things we don't want to discuss
Why still do evil, we don't know how to do good
Walking on in darkness running from the light, ey
Led to believe, because we live in neighborhoods
Telling us what's going on will be alright
Oh so repressed, so convinced that I was blessed
When I played with my game of Monopoly
Oh to suggest, that my life is still a mess
To reveal the pride I'm hiding is what's stopping me

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou may be saved from thy deception
How long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, oh Jerusalem
Keeping them from perfection

Abide in me and I in you, as the branch cannot bare
Fruit of itself except in the vine
I am the vine, ye are the branches, He that live in me
And I in him, the same bring forth much fruit
But without me, you can do nothing, oh Jerusalem
You're traditions have deceived you
I've chosen you, you haven't chosen me
And whatsoever, you ask in my name he may give to you
But in vain they call my name, teaching doctrines just the same
Justified among themselves
But God knoweth the heart, what man esteems as smart
Is an abomination to Emmanuel
Just repent, turn from selfish motivation
So iniquity will not cause your demise
Make you a new heart and a new spirit for why would He die
Oh Jerusalem, please tell me why
I have no pleasure in the death of Him to die
Says the Lord God whereforth turn yourselves and live
It's not the talkers, but the walkers in His word
Are the only ones the Father will forgive

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou may be saved from thy deception
How long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, oh Jerusalem
Providing you no protection

Oh Jerusalem...

The Verge

I was on the verge, I am on the verge.

I am not sure which type of verge exactly but I think that will work itself out as I write.

You ever feel like you are on the verge?
-the verge of tears
-the verge of giving up
-the verge of giving in
-the verge of cursing
-the verge of screaming
-the verge of doing something thoughtless
-the verge of a breakdown

How about being on the verge
-of something beautiful
-of something completely freeing
-of something raw
-of something beyond yourself

What if you were on the verge of writing something amazing and then realized you had no paper and by the time you got home your amazing thought was now forever part of the past?

I was on the verge a while back of doing something thoughtless that was only going to utilize the section of my brain that screams “ME”. I was on the verge of acting faithless because I forgot that he would remain faithful because he can not deny himself. I didn’t want to do what was right even though I wasn’t even doing the wrong that I was thinking I wanted to do, make sense?

Now I am still on the verge, the verge of something beautiful the verge of giving in, giving up and screaming freedom. Giving up the constructed me to become the real me in him, Giving up the fake niceties that have people liking me without ever knowing me, Giving in to his plans, his love and his reality. Screaming freedom because he came here to set me free from the law, from the rules, from the religion and from the status-quo.

Blogging

I haven't been a very consistent blogger for the last couple months, sorry.

There have been many interesting things happening in my life and not just the physical concrete things but spiritual as well. I feel as If I want to share it with people but don't know how to convey the depth of it all.

I was reading Shaun Groves the other day and came across this shlog of his about the 10 blog basics and I don't think I meet any of them...
I don't Write accurately and regularly.
I don't Make every post worth reading.
I don't Write short witty posts, long in-depth posts, lists, stories, personal stuff, ask questions, teach something, post audio and video and pictures, invent something, pick a fight, mix it up....
Ok so maybe I do a little bit of that but I don't feel I have the passion for thought and writing as my roommate does or the creativity and deepness as my Leah has....

I wanna tell you whats happening with me ;inside me, around me, through me, beside me but I become so unaware and self centered that I forget, stop caring and become lazy.

Half Baked

I have been doing so well lately....
eating right
working out consistently
sleeping when I can

But today I failed bitterly !

I ate a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys :(

I can justify it

I dont want to though.

But I will;
I went to the dentist, she froze my mouth, so I figured I should give it a treat for going through the pain.

My body is now saying " why why why"

I want a love like this type of Love

Because of one of my roomate's friends and my lack of tv, I Have been watching a lot of def jam poetry.... I came across this one a couple weeks ago and thought it was worth sharing, well they are all worth sharing but this one is ummm cute ( sorry Jenn I know you dont like that word) ... So enjoy it and maybe check out some other poets from defjam on youtube.

4--->3

I dropped the class

I dont feel bad or guilty about it, I kinda feel free !

Cant Sleep

Some days I wish that I could just be a full time student without any other responsibilities like work, family, church, relationships and health.
Things would be a whole lot easier, I could just study, drink coffee and only worry about essays, tests and sounding smart in tutorials.

Some days I just want to go to sleep without brushing my teeth. Yucky I know (belive me I know, I use to be obsessed with my teeth) and since it seems like the only thing I have control over in my life right now I think I will go to bed without doing it.

Some days my mind is confused trying to figure out if I should drop a class, which would mean I have 3 instead of 4. The urge to do this is huge but I want to be smart about it....its not a required class but I think I may need it along the way. So pleae tell me what to do .....well give me a sign that that is what I am suppose to do.

First Day

Its the first day back at school and the same recurring feeling surges in my body that I wasnt made for school.

This feeling ushually appears during exams or essay writing

but here it is felt and I have yet to go to my first class.

Stupid Online Dating Website

I can’t write anymore, an epidemic has hit.

All I can do is smile
and wonder
and then complain to Jenn that its all her fault that I am smiling all the time.

I like it I think
I am confused for sure.
I don’t know whats going to happen next.
I kinda wanna hug someone.
I don’t want to give into it.
I wanna beat myself up.
I wanna beat Jenn up.
I wanna beat up the boy that has me smiling too.

computers are whack !

Online

Its 6 20 am and I am on my 30 min break from work already, sick eh !

So I have been thinking alot about this whole online dating buisness and how odd and exciting it all is. Because of the site I am talking to this really interesting person that I would have otherwise never talked to or probably even noticed. I am not sure what it all means or what will become of it. Sometimes I wonder if I have lost all my marbles, but then my roomate kinda reminded me that there is not much difference from talking to this guy then randomly meeting someone on the street. I actually probably know more about him then I do about a guy that comes into starbucks everyday, who could very well be a jerk! All I know is it is pretty interesting seeing how this type of relationship progress, I know it seems weird and unnatural but hmmm I dont know..... just thought I would share what I have been up 2 these last 3 days......its all just been a major welcomed distraction.

Computers

Since I dont own a TV I have found that I have become addicted to my computer, a while back my roomate got me addicted to Def Jam Poetry on youtube! A couple of weeks ago she pointed out this specific one about facebook and myspace, and I feel like I have been leaning towards what this girl has to say about the whole online community thing... enjoy!




(P.S i dont know how to remove those letter thingys from above the video so just pretend that they should be there)