Feb 18, 2008

Doubting

All I wanna do is swear
All I wanna do is swear
Last night all I wanted to do was swear

My body felt a huge weight last night with all the heaviness feeling like a hole was being burnt through my stomach and heart. I tried to sleep/pray/think it all away, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t even really think straight or point specifically to what it was that made me feel that way, just that I felt that way and I desperately wanted it to disappear.

My roommate tried to help me work through what it was,
Maybe doubt? -doubt in myself, in his grace and plan, doubt in the situation, my future, my present… she prayed for me and it brought peace for the moment …

This morning the heaviness has lightened but the doubts are still there….

God doesn’t want us to be confused right?

He doesn’t want us to hurt anyone either right?

Did I miss something in this journey?


I was at a meeting and one of my friends was praying for me and as he was praying i was thinking that what he was saying was right on....every single word meant something, it freaked me out in the best way... all i know is that right now I wanna do what I am suppose to do, go through this life with a sense of his plan and without complaining about the situation but instead allow God to use it and me for whatever it is that he has....


The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Ginny Owens

8 comments:

anon4him said...

Trust God - He's got something good planned for you :-)

jocelynlt@gmail.com said...

Not that this will ease your confusion, but I am convinced that doubt, fear, andThat there is no real way to avoi'd it. The valley and plain are as much a part of the spiritual terrain as the mountain, so to speak. confusion are part of the process.

I just wandered around the Regent College bookstore and noted the crazy amount of books about confusion and doubt. I say, embrace it, pray into it... It's so much a part of our human condition that I think we'd worry if you didn't feel this way right now!

jocelyn said...

Oops, that one got garbled. See! Confusion.
the first paragraph should say: Not that this will ease your confusion, but I am convinced that doubt, fear and confusion are a part of the process. That there is no real way to avoid it.

Katrina Janzen said...

I hear ya babe.

LeahA said...

Anon thanks :)

Jocelyn you say things in a way that makes me feel less crazy :P

Thank goodness for roomates,friends sunshine, long runs and coffee to cheer a person up..

Jenn said...

confusion is in the water I guess - time to rest on some things I guess. A ___ I'm confused too.

Victoria said...

It's not always easy to trust, that's for sure, but just keep hanging in there. *hugs*

Carla's Shoebox said...

Whats meant to be will find a way my little louie, just think of all the good things in your life, and keep the people that matter close to you! as long as you have your health and your loved ones everything will be ok :)