Tonight

Equation for a good night

Rain
Comfy Clothing
Glass of Wine
and a Good Book !

Questions

Dear Me

Why do you always leave things to the last minute?
Why do you not say what you’re feeling?
Why won’t you just start liking cheese?
Why do you eat those vegan brownies when you promised yourself you wouldn’t?
Why don’t you spend more time doing what you love?
Why don’t you phone people back when you say you’re going to?
Why aren’t you nicer to your sister?
Why do you not dream of your wedding like every other girl in the world?
Why do apples taste so DANG good?
Why do you let him know that he makes you tingle?
Why don’t you start being more open?
Why don’t you spend more time with your Leah, Kat, Michelle, Morena and Jenn?
Why do you treat your baby, aka Petey, aka Car so bad by not cleaning it?
Why don’t you let yourself sleep more?
Why do you love coffee so much?
why do you love toast so much ( not bread but TOAST)?
and finally self why do you have to get old?

Kraft dinner

You wanna know whats great?

Eating cold Mac and Cheese with Chili out of a casserole dish on my break from work

WOOT WOOT WOOT.

ps. its not really cheese!

Smile

I just wanna smile at everyone I see !!!!





I guess it is one of those beautiful simple type days .

You bring the sun out
You're the reason that I'm living, I was hurting but I'm happy again
You bring the sun out
Lord I wanna thank You 'cause
You bring the sun out, to make my love grow, you bring the sun out
You were there when I had nothing
You've been with me from beginning to end
Kirk Franklin


Sometimes I feel as if my mind is blank

And that the things that are really occupying that “space”, creating words and meaning are what I am seeing at that very moment or what I am going through … ( my memory sucks at remembering past feelings and emotions whether good or bad)

for instance; any other day the memory of me walking from my apartment in Montréal to McGill would never cross my mind, those moments hold nothing significant to my life, it was just boring routine to get me where I need to be, but today I thought about it and you wanna know why?

well while I was driving up to SFU the sun was shining, like crazy shine where one is unable to see 5 feet in front of themselves and has to drive really slow for fear that they may drive off the mountain into the city below, well the crazy sunshine reminded me of a song called “Sunshine” by Kirk Franklin
And well my old roommate Jon was the one who introduced me to Kirk the summer that I use to walk to McGill..The way I passed my time was listening to this music. And then because of that I thought about my friend R and Steph and the most amazing summer I have had to date because of the involvement of these two people in my life, which made me smile because like I said before I tend to forget things easily and now I have this memory brought back to life in my mind.

so I don’t really know if this goes with the point I was trying to make, but I really do think my mind is blank most of the time. If someone asks me what I am thinking and I tell them “nothing” I am being honest...its that or I am thinking something so insignificant like “hmm my knee is itchy” and I don’t want to share that.

ok enough of this procrastination buisness for today, i came to SFU to study !

Doubting

All I wanna do is swear
All I wanna do is swear
Last night all I wanted to do was swear

My body felt a huge weight last night with all the heaviness feeling like a hole was being burnt through my stomach and heart. I tried to sleep/pray/think it all away, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t even really think straight or point specifically to what it was that made me feel that way, just that I felt that way and I desperately wanted it to disappear.

My roommate tried to help me work through what it was,
Maybe doubt? -doubt in myself, in his grace and plan, doubt in the situation, my future, my present… she prayed for me and it brought peace for the moment …

This morning the heaviness has lightened but the doubts are still there….

God doesn’t want us to be confused right?

He doesn’t want us to hurt anyone either right?

Did I miss something in this journey?


I was at a meeting and one of my friends was praying for me and as he was praying i was thinking that what he was saying was right on....every single word meant something, it freaked me out in the best way... all i know is that right now I wanna do what I am suppose to do, go through this life with a sense of his plan and without complaining about the situation but instead allow God to use it and me for whatever it is that he has....


The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to Ginny Owens

Petey Time

My roommate and I went for a little walk today to enjoy the amazing sunshiny weather, while walking the conversation touched on a few subjects but found itself on cuddling and napping and our views on it, but all I could think about was “ sheeesh so not the time for talking/thinking about it” !

I have said before that I spend a lot of time in my little civic aka “petey”, so yesterday while I was driving to my mentor Jodi’s place I felt a voice inside me saying over and over again that “ when I am weak I am very strong”,
I am not sure what it means beyond the basic message that when I am weak I am actually strong (simple eh!). Right now I am going to take it as;
1) A good reminder/promise as I go into this next week
And as
2) A framework to go about dealing and thinking about those things I consider my own weaknesses and maybe not focus on trying to change them but letting my Creator use them for whatever purpose he sees fit!



Say what you want, mean what you say
Remember the deepest seeds still find the light of day
Do as you please, and be who you be
I'm telling you, this thing's gonna bring you to your knees DC Talk

Miss you

To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
Incubus

I was out with one of my kiddies last night and she gave me something to think about, she was talking about the idea of missing people and I guess she caught on that I might have been missing a certain person that was driving through my city, past the exit to my place at that moment.

Well what she told me was comforting, it went something like this “when we miss someone it confirms part of our feelings for that person” as if my feelings/insides/thoughts were telling me that there is something here between us which is worthy of missing. While she was talking I was thinking about a conversation me and T had the night prior. He was telling me how this (us + distance) “is a kind of wonderful torturous emotion” and he is right it is all of that and more.

To be honest I just wanted to be there with him, next to him, smelling him, holding him near, hugging him,cooking with him, anything! Potentially just doing nothing but being near, but things don’t work that easily, life and borders and kilometers get in the way. And the reality is that we dont always have things the way we want them(probably some sort of messed up beautiful blessing)and I think I am alright with that, I think I have to be !

Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel that missing feeling all the time but there are moments

little moments
wonderful moments
torturous moments.

Woot Woot X 2

It has just reached noon and my day has been more then superb!

It was a busy day at work, someone didn’t show up, another person was late and there was a huge accident that closed the street down from my house up to the highway because of an incident involving a man, a light post and a bus which amounted to many travelers late for work and in need of a coffee fix, so instead of the normal morning rush happening between 630 -8, it instead happened from 9-10 and bless my soul I was in drive through to receive all these rushed, frantic, lazy “I don’t want to get out of my car and come in the store” caffeine deprived beings.
In the middle of this episode while my brain was half falling out because of these people my manager comes up to me and says that there is someone around the corner wanting to talk to me, I look around the corner and see no one I recognize but she tells me to go to the man standing over there, so I go and he lifts up the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and hands them towards me while all the baristas and customers have their gaze on me…I blush, go into the back of the store, start smiling, return, continue smiling, go back to my drive through where my manger tells every person coming through that I just received flowers and to disregard the stupid smile on my face, which just happens to lead to more of a smile because I get the “awwwws, and how sweets”…. this in turn leads my fellow baristas to write a note and stick it on my back …here is a photo of the note and the flowers….

Whatever strength I thought I had to fight “this” is slowly dissolving, I mean who can fight surprises like this… who can fight a guy who surprises a girl with her favorite flowers that show up at just the right time to bring the half of my brain back that seemed to disappear because of all the crazy people… who can fight when they really don’t want to….and finally …hmm I couldn’t think of one precise finally except for
THANKS BABY and WOOT WOOT!

Woot Woot

So I was thinking about C and the relationship that I had with him for four years of my life and to be honest it was wonderful, beautiful, intense, enjoyable, draining, mad and well pretty great, I thought we would be together “forever” and that’s what almost happened. As I have talked to friends over the past couple years about what I experienced I have come to realize that even though what we had was awesome it wasn’t what was suppose to be. With all the love I had towards him, with all the great memories and passion it still wasn’t right, i wasnt in love with him. For a year of my life I tried to get out, I never had a concrete reason I just knew I needed out, I knew that something just didn’t sit well inside of me and that I was losing what it was that made me me, so I prayed and prayed and eventually found myself living 2000 miles away with three girls but still deeply connected to him… I didn’t understand it beyond the fact that he was great and I was a chicken …but why do I talk about this?

well as I was thinking this through it occurred to me that with all the things that were great in our relationship, he still wasn’t the person for me and this brings me to the thought that if I could have an amazing relationship with someone who isn’t right for me, how much more amazing will it be when the person is right!

This thought excites me!

I dont know what the future has in store but I know that there is plan that is far beyond anything that I can imagine and that what I want to live in, his plan.

My roomate was playing this song and it seemed fitting, or something close to fitting...its just good and cheerful and it makes me want to give love away.

Dddddriving !

1)I need some new driving music since driving is the 3rd most thing I seem to be doing with my time, so help me out…… what kind of music would you want to drive to ( or be a passenger to for my non driving friends) ?
(Kat I want your opinion 2 since you are one of my fav driving peeps)


2)I received this email below on Friday….

yo girl.

this is a personal question and i hope you don't mind and get mad. If you don't want to disclose, please don't. i mean no disrespect to you and if this hurts my apologies. Are you Two-spirited like me. I was just wondering. I"m glad we're facebok friends and do consider you a good friend. i'm not on campus that much anymore, and miss you all. gotta run girl. Hugs.



Now I have to admit it gave me a chuckle but it also got me wondering if I do act in a way that make others believe I am two spirited…I think maybe I will stop hugging and smiling so much…..

at least for the rest of the day…


ok so i have thought about it a little more and I don’t know if that will work out because well someone has me smiling already… we can call him boyfriend…hmm yes boyfriend..

Something like a prayer

I was driving and over and over and over again these lyrics were playing in my head, in my ears, in my heart consuming my thoughts;

"A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
Im caught in your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"

These were also there, but even more so as they have become something like a prayer recently

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity"


As the days go on it becomes ingrained in my spirit that without my creator I am unable to love , to care, to accept, to be nice and to forgive, all of it means nothing without his spirit living in me pulling me towards his will, his mercies and causing me to believe that I am caught in grace.
I want to share love and joy and peace with people, with my friends, families and strangers but I know that the way that it has been done in the past by people who have similar beliefs as me is not the way that I am called to , what do I believe my calling is?


To
Love,
Period!

Lists

‘Being fully human is our job. thinking and laughing and arranging and creating and relating and designing and nurturing and responding and reacting and pondering when googling became a verb and wondering and exploring and meditating and acting and making long lists of verbs and calling and talking and feeling and sharing and doubting if this paragraph is ever going to end and teaching and learning and jumping on a trampoline and signing and celebrating and dancing and turning to the person next to you and saying “ This is living”

You can make your own list because you know what it is that makes you feel alive, what it is that feeds your soul, what it is that reminds you that the goal is to be fully human. What’s on your list? “ ( Sex God, Rob Bell)

Here is mine;

Dreaming and singing and running really fast and drawing stupid pictures and reading amazing books, and showering and praying and loving and believing when it hurts and sharing and feeling and crying when I want to, talking, and hiking and sleeping and smiling and hugging, and hugging more and playing and fighting and giving up and drinking water and tea and wine and lying on the floor and holding hands and not fighting or giving up and driving and walking and smoking cigars on tops of mountains and in old cold cities and being me when me is a brat and always smelling good .

About a boy

So conversations

My dad has been gone for a couple weeks, in a couple weeks things can change.


Me: DAAAAAD, how are you?
Dad: Tired, How are you? You sound good.
Me: Dad, things are pretty sweet.
Dad: That’s good, what have you been doing lately, school and work I suppose?
Me: Yes School and work. Well Dad to be honest I kind of met someone
but please don’t worry.
Dad: Hmmm did you meet him at church?
Me: umm no, at Starbucks
Dad: He asked you out at work?
Me: No, but I met him at a Starbucks
Dad: So he is not a customer?
Me: No
Dad: How did you meet him?
Me: How did I meet him (Jenn starts laughing), well umm dad randomly, I think
It would be better to talk about this in person.
Dad: I can come right now?
Me: DAD!
Dad: Ok well is he a Christian at least?
Me: Definitely
Dad: Where does he live?
Me: In the states, not to far away
Dad: The states! Have you been driving slowly?
Me: Of course dad
Dad: LeahA just take it slow, there are so many fish in the sea
Me: Dad I am in the basket
Dad: You are in the basket
Me: Yes I am in the basket
Dad: You’re kind of a little young to be dating, no?
Me: Dad I am going to be 24 in a month!
Dad: Are you sure? Well I will pick you up for coffee tomorrow ok!
Me: Dad don’t worry, I am in the basket and I love you.
Dad: I am going to pray, text me later to say goodnight.
Me: Goodnight.

Stomack !

I cant eat... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !

Sweetness :)

How does ones day get better?

First--- really simple things make me smile so today at work I was really cold because I was working at the window that never closes because it’s a frikin drive thru Starbucks that I work at and I wasn’t able to leave so my friend Arthur went without me noticing and brought me my jacket …then the smile that I already had plastered on my face became brighter!

Second--- I get to see “online boy” today and that makes my knees a little weak!

Third--- Getting to talk to my roommate and have her listen to me…. I am pretty sure I am getting annoying but there she still stands and smiles and I think that is just wonderful


:)

The Sunday after Saturday

I apologize in advance for this not being a very engaging blog !

So

Yesterday

Actually I don’t know how to write about the date because part of me feels that if I do I will not serve the day any justice in my explanation but I also don’t think its fair to not explain to you what a very awesome first date looks like.

In true girl fashion I am still trying to process things since it has yet to be a full day since the adventure ended.

Let me just say these 3 things;

-I arrived there at 9 30am ish and by 1pm I was complaining about how fast the time was passing by ( and gosh dang it 14ish hour together didnt seem like enough..haha)

-After a month of talking everyday any of my expectations were totally blown away (even if he did make me use an outhouse and cut my hand)

And

-The whole date I was filled with butterflies right up until the bitter end.

I think I may write more later when things are less fuzzy and I have more sleep in my system!

Saturday

So it’s Saturday

The day I meet him The person who has stolen my sleep, my smiles, my thoughts and text messages
The person that I want to like as much in person as on paper

I guess I am at that point where I am not really scared about meeting him but more so about liking him …. I meet people everyday and it is always great

One of my “kids” told me once that whoever I end up going out with will have to be pretty awesome, and I would like to agree with that…. I actually do agree with it for two reasons

1) If they aren’t I have too many friends who will let me know their thoughts about it and I want to spare my ears the trouble

2) Only awesome people can see my draw…hahahahah (kidding)

I gotta stop with this seriousness for a bit….. So with that being said I am going to go and doll up my bedroom eyes (thank you partners at work for that name), eat a bowl of cereal, drink some warm water and continue getting dressed!

Oh yes and I can’t forget….. Make myself smell like something fabulous!

and plus if it doesnt work out i can still have him

Dilemma

So besides this bringing a smile to my face today something else has been causing an itch in my brain...

WHAT THE HELL DO I WEAR TOMOROW (for my date thiny)????

Ok so I am not one to care all that often about what I am suppose to wear but I am a girl and this is one of those things that girls think about...at least I think they do....someone help me out here...

This is what one of my students Noah told me to do;
1) Be myself... in which I replied " but what does that self wear? And
2) Wear my army hat and match everything else from there ! ( he thinks army hats look hot on girls..... maybe when i was 16?!)

This is why it is no good to ask boys!

I mean its logical to think about it because the clothes I wear can give off cues to how I want to be treated, looked at, handled.... as well as a glimpse into my personality ( yes I believe clothes can do that) ......hmmm maybe I am just justify it.

ahhhhhhh man.... maybe I should just call it off..... I hate nerves.... I hate clothes..... I hate caring!