Priggish

I went to 10th ave tonight with my dad, leah and gloryorya.... my roommate usually comes but she decided to spend some quality time with her parents ( who does that anymore) well anyways it was a good night because I learnt a new word and I saw my roommates crush, which just so happens to be my crush ! I embarrassed myself when I dropped my pen on the lame ant floor and everyone looked at me..Such is life eh!
Well besides seeing my roommates crush (just to remind everyone it has been well over a month since me and Jenn have seen him..Sigh***) I also learned a new word.. PRIG.... have you heard of it before? Cause I sure haven’t.. (Leah I know you have since you are writing a blog about it...punk) ... well I think the best way to explain this new word is to describe my friend Leah (or Charles Dickens' portrait of the day-nurse Betsy Prig) since she so accurately potrays the meaning of the word!!!
She believes she is right, she wants to prove it to the word by telling them what to do, she is a person who demonstrates an exaggerated conformity or propriety, especially in an irritatingly arrogant or smug manner, which basically means she is snot (and yes the kind that comes out of your nose is included too )..she has too be right all the time and she uses her education to prove herself against me..gosh I cant help that I was born in society that doesnt place a high value on it...so if u have a priggish friend i recommend you sell them and see what you can get...or maybe just keep beating them at card games such as dutch blitz to show them that there priggy ways will not be put up with.

Saturday Nights

I finished my red velvet “secrets” journal today before work. I have been writing in it since March of 2006… I am a slow writer.

I did this personality quizy thing last night and it told me what I kinda already know to be true… I am friendly, outgoing, fun...blah blah … well today I had to work at another Starbucks location and I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know what the people would be like before going in, people scare me sometimes, especially people I have to work with. I decided to journal a bit to clear my head and as I was writing I realized that I would be fine because for the most part people like me ( this isn’t mean to puff myself up). I get along with people; I smile at people and basically charm them (ok I hate using that word, but it fits best). I want people to like me and I want to like people. This is sometimes a problem though. What’s the problem you ask?

One of the reasons I get along with people is that I accommodate them (this is what writing has shown me); I want people to feel comfortable, liked and affirmed. I don’t want people to not feel loved because I don’t like feeling it myself. A couple weeks back I went out with a friend and she told me that I don’t really bring my friends together, or let them meet each other. I don’t do this purposely; I am just selfish and like having people to myself. Well what she said is also true, I am not sure how to accommodate two people at one time. What if they don’t like each other? What if one of them smells and you don’t want the other to notice? What if they end up liking each other more then me? You know stuff like that. Someone give me a solution please

Another topic: Boys

So I have been in communications with S recently, I am not sure what it means or why I am doing it, I just know that I am doing it and I like it. I feel like me and him have been on and off forever without ever really being on, in my roommates terminology kind of like a pseudo-relationship. We did date for a bit a couple years back ( I cant even believe that it has been a couple years :p) and I really liked him then, I don’t think I like him the same way, at least I don’t think I do. I also know that I say this sitting in Vancouver and if I was in Montreal (were he is) my feelings might be different…
Stupid feelings
Or
Maybe
Stupid distance?

My roommate also got me hooked into a website
A dating website…..
It’s really a weird phenomenon, I don’t feel like I am looking for someone or need this site to find that someone (I am not against these types of sites) but it is interesting to look around and chat with people and let your mind wonder at possibilities. I dont know whats going to happen with it, maybe nothing but some mind distractions other then facebook(which is evil) and books ( which are not evil...by the way, I just finished "Life After God" by Douglas Coupland and highly recommend it)

Confession time:
I once met someone off of a website (not a dating site, but myspace) and it went wonderful, we actually met in TimeSquare (a girls gotta be safe you know). Maybe this is the season for meeting new people!

Bed

You know that feeling you get when your outside on a cold day and your nose is really cold and all you wanna do is hide it under your jacket?

Well I feel that right now while I am sitting under my covers in my bed !

I realized why I have been such a crank… stupid one week of the month! It’s not as though I forgot it would happen I just always forget that it’s the reason that Mean Leaha comes into existence, at least with more force!

I am writing right now with no real plan to write, usually that’s what I need to write or my roommate being around, but I haven’t seen much of her because she is a popular lady( lady is not to imply old, kinda more like respectable) and I leave before she is up and go to bed before she returns.

Today I woke up her at 430am, I didn’t want to because if someone woke me up that early I would attack them. I had to, the power went off and I am scared of the dark and she needed to go to work and not be late.

My smiley came into today, I know his name, I found it out last week. I am not going to share his name because smiley is just a better fit ( he kind of has an old man name). My co-worker told me he is probably not good enough for me, its probably true since he picks starbucks coffee over Tim Horton’s. I love Tim Horton’s coffee.

I am kind of tired right now and hungry and cold. I am also content and comfy.

It’s raining and grey and a bit windy, I think I may take a nap.


oh ya I love that school is out !

Not Studying

I am trying to study right now but don’t have the concentration capabilities needed.
I am sitting in Renaissance drinking tea and this cute dog is looking at me. I think he thinks I am going to pet him. I don’t think he realizes that there is a window in between us.

I have been unsure about what I believe for a what seems like a long while, well I mean I know what I believe but I don’t believe that I can live it… maybe I am looking too much into it, maybe I just think this way cause I am moody.
I have been moody quite a bit… I just want to be alone, ok maybe not actually alone but I don’t want people to be near unless I want them near.

When I was out with Leah, I wanted her near but maybe that’s because I trust her. Like she could say something mean to me and I could call her on it and all would be well…I trust her with my moodiness.
Or my Kat, I think my Kat is wonderful in an inspiring way. She isn’t typical. I like that she doesn’t complain about stuff and then not do something about it (did that sentence make sensecause I just re read it and it might not make sense). I like being around her because she has a great energy and she is accepting of the fact that I am indigenizing her.

My mom phoned me last night, I miss my mom.

I like the feeling of leaving things to the last minute. That type of stress makes me move (and no I am not justifying my lack of studying).

I don’t like having conversations right when I wake up… I don’t hear anything except my body saying how cold it is.

What kind of career does one have when they are a relationship person with a bad memory?

My tea tastes very good.

The cute dog is gone.

Ohhh a great song is on “Music is played for love

Cruising is made for love, I love it when were cruisin together"

Meh

I can’t write I just don’t got it in me!

What I can do is;
Sleep
Eat
Sleep
Work
Eat
Drink tea
Read books
Walk around in circles
and take showers.

Not your erotic, not your exotic

I have been talking with my roommate recently about my struggle with the way I keep my hair.
I Colour my hair and receive comments on how the light Colour suits me.
Sometimes I feel as if I keep coloring it to keep the attention… to sell my self out to what mainstream says is beautiful ( light long hair)
I use to have dark hair, I also use to get all these comments on how exotic I looked… my roommate calls it something like orientalism which is interpreted to refer to the study of the East by Westerners shaped by the attitudes of the era of European imperialism, it implies old-fashioned and prejudiced outsider interpretations of Eastern cultures and peoples.
ok so maybe people don’t mean it in a negative way, maybe people don’t realize that I am first nations and that the way I look is local. Well regardless I asked my roommate to write a blog about it because she would make it sound fancier, she sent me a link of a poet named Suheir Hammad… I went there but instead of posting the video I thought it would be nicer just to be able to write what she spoke!

Not Your Exotic, Not your Erotic

Don’t wanna be you’re exotic like some dark, fragile colorful bird, imprisoned, caged in a land foreign to the stretch of her wings

Don’t wanna be your exotic
Women everywhere
Look
Just
Like
Me
Some taller, darker, nicer then me but like me just the same.
Women everywhere carry my nose on their faces, my name on their sprits
Don’t seduce your self with my otherness!
My hair wasn’t put on top my head to incite you into some mysterious black voodoo, the beat of my lashes against each other aint some dark desert beat,
It’s just a blink,
Get over it!

Don’t build around me your fetish, fantasy, your lustful profanities to cage me in, clip my wings.

"Don’t wanna be your exotic

your loving of my beauty ain't more than
funky fornication plain pink perversion
in fact nasty necrophilia
cause my beauty is dead to you
I am dead to you.

Not your
harem girl geisha doll banana picker
pom pom girl pum pum shorts coffee maker
town whore belly dancer private dancer
la malinche venus hottentot laundry girl
your immaculate vessel emasculating princess
don't wanna be

not your erotic
Not you’re exotic

Wednesday Morning Conversations

Ok before I punch out these two last essays I need to get this out my brain…

So he came into today a tad bit late… I saw him and then my manager said “its your break” but I said “just let me get this one last person”

He came to my till and this is how the conversation went;

Leaha: HI! The regular Grande dark with a little room for cream?

Smiley: (With smile)…. Yes, thank you !

Leaha: Is this enough room?

Smiley: Perfect

Leaha: So your off to work this morning eh !

Smiley: (smiles) ……. (I forget what he says)

Leaha: Have a good day!

Smiley: See you tomorrow!!!!!!!


( Shizza I am not working in the morning tomorrow)

Smiley

I decieded to stop my crushing ways right?

So why is he in my head?


Maybe I will ask his name tomorow.

Monday Morning

I have seen death today and it is the top of Burnaby Mountain.

But before my encounter with it I saw something else, something beautiful, and something that goes by the name Smiley.

I was at my store, then he was at my store, then I was in my car and he was in his car… and that’s all, except that I saw him.

As I was driving up to death, I was realizing how stupid the whole thing is;
(Also my trusty roommate and I had a similar conversation about this and our man from 10th)

The thing is I don’t know this man Smiley, except for the fact that he gets a grande dark, drives a nice car, has a great smile and is in my store at 6:45 am ish everyday during the week.

He may be;
-married
-with kids
-an asshole
-a jerk
-a racist
-a cheese lover
-a Ken
-a Peter
-a Mike
-a dog

The point is I have no clue about him and maybe that’s the draw, maybe that’s the security.
In my mind I have created for myself this perfect smiley man that has come to save me from __________? (Don’t know what the blank is, cause I don’t know why type of saving it is, I haven’t gotten that far along)

And it is stupid,

I don’t want to have a crush on someone I don’t know, I want to have one on someone I do know then at least I will know what I like beyond a great smile and a flirtatious demeanor.

So I am trying to think of someone I know that I can have a crush on, or maybe even just have a time when there doesn’t need to be a guy in my head stealing precious brain cells up, then maybe I can get my work done when it is suppose to be done and done well…

This is why I have seen death today, so I can get my work done well.

Stumbling Around in Circles

Things inspire me

Today I went to my schools coffee place and someone gave me this warm smile and this produced in me the desire to write my paper

Sine this person inspired me I started humming* to myself as I was walking to the 6th floor dungeon which is the SFU quiet study area which really isn’t that quiet after all

I hummed and totally forgot that others were walking up the stairs along side me probably wondering what the heck is this girl on?!?

Well if you ask, it’s a little inspiration!

So now I sit with my roommate trudging along in the desk behind me*, my Americano in one hand, and my brain in full gear to pull out 20 pages of words, words that need to mean something in the end.



*the song I was humming to is called “Some Hearts” Carrie Underwood but now I am humming to “Working 9-5” by Ms Dolly

* My roommate probably isn’t studying but actually worrying about her Georgia Straight Ad that came out today!


Ok so paper, yes paper !

This isnt a good one

I feel so defeated right now, I feel mad and upset and I don’t know what to do or who to blame or what to do…I just wanna swear and feel safe. I feel so hopeless right now.

There are too many things on my plate, there is too little me, there is not enough room for error or wisdom on how to teach myself to learn and remember and how to be what they want me to be.

I feel so hopeless right now, I don’t want to fail or cry or give up …no ones made room for that… I want someone here, someone that understands, not just pretends they do… I want someone here , someone to help .

I don’t know the plans for my life, I can barely pass school so why am I in it…why do I pretend that that’s where I am suppose to be… I have never fit into it…

I wish there would have been someone there along the way that would have told me to do my homework or go to school or give a damn…why did i feel like I was suppose to go to school if I feel the way I feel right now…so hopeless… no direction seems like the right one…I just want to crawl away somewhere where people wont be so optimistic or demanding or disapointed or anything

I wanna be somewhere where I don’t feel like such a screw-up and a mess and a complainer and were its all right.

I feel so defeated right now

Same Crush One Week later

Last week I came home with the beauty of a man lingering in my head.
This week he was a no show and I find my roommate writing an ad in craigslist putting into the world that she is looking for her destiny, who just happens to be my destiny!

This week unfortunately my eyes caught the eyes of someone who was trying to catch my eyes while I was walking down the street to where I was suppose to see the beauty I was talking about last week and so following the lead of my roommate I wrote an add in craigslist about him…

Ha the lives of 20 something year olds living in Vancouver !

Learning

I was just reading through some old journals and blogs and it was nice to see how far I have come along in the past 4 years.

I am not good with words so I am going to steal some peoples like Douglas Coupland in his book “Life after God” in which he tells us his secret, a secret that I share …. The secret is
“I need God-I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me to be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond able to Love”

I was out with my dad today and he just amazed me! Most of the people I hang out with have it pretty together and then I hang out with my dad who is messed up and who do I see God in? My dad! Why him? Well I have to start with when I was living in Montreal the first time on TREK I had this roommate named Laura, we shared a room and a bed for 8 months and she was the first to teach me about forgiveness. She did this by displaying it to me; she couldn’t go to bed without saying sorry to me if we had a disagreement, which was probably my fault because I can be quite inconsiderate at times.
The same thing I can say about my dad… I have all these friends who talk about Grace and Love and I don’t see them do anything about it, they all just seem to complain about this and that; the same goes for me... I am all talk!
But my dad, he isn’t all talk… he believes in people, in giving them a chance, he remembers that they are human and he allows them to be that. I am upset inside because he wont accept it, he doesn’t believe he is worth … he is the only person that I have met that actually feels repentance over the choices that he is made.. The only one… so today I feel like I learned something about repentance… and grace. I don’t know how long my dad will stay around but I am more then grateful he is here, I need him.

I believe we need relationships and people, at least I believe it for myself. I think certain people can remind us not to be so selfish about things like our time and abilities…the more people I encounter the more I become convinced that there are a lot of lonely people at there, lots of hurt and here I am sitting in luxury of friends and “things” and gosh everything and with such an ungrateful heart… Its not that the things are bad, it’s the heart that’s the problem…it’s my condition that is saying I need more and that I don’t need to give more out… I feel so scrambled inside my heart… like I need to purge myself of something…

Here are more words I am going to steal from the author of the book “practicing the presence of people”

“To be in the presence of even the meanest, lowest, most repulsive specimen of humanity it still to be closer to God than when looking up into a starry sky or a beautiful sunset”

No smiling aloud !

Only two things inside my head at the moment

Simple no, tired yes!


Its 6 am and I am getting you your coffee so don’t you make me smile at you… I feel tired and yucky and your smiling my way and that doesn’t work in my mind at 6 am because all I am thinking about is coffee and sleep and now your smile!

My roommate thinks I fit into the category of vegetarian that the rest of the world thinks of as vegetarians…she had a word for the kinds of foods I eat as lacto eco neo vegetarian or something like that

So I bought some pork chops today while I was with her; she almost got a new basket for her stuff, then my drink spilt in her bag… maybe someone was trying to tell her something.

I eat meat but not cheese or any food that has a mushy texture.

Same Crush

So here is the dilemma;

My dear roommate has decided to have a crush on a guy I think to be very very very beautiful … like exponentially more beautiful then any random good lookin dude walking down the street. I saw him first its true but she made it known that she thought he was a beauty before I had the chance….

We have a crush on the same guy… go figure.

So the story goes that she has chosen to be off the market for a year and a bit and me, well I don’t make silly promises like that cause I know I can’t keep em!

So should I date him until Jenn makes herself available and then dump him and let her go on with him. Or should I just push her out of the picture all together?

Ok so I know I am getting a little ahead of myself since I don’t even know the guys name and if I were ever given a chance to talk to him I would probably say something that didn’t sound like English, that didn’t sound like human.

Maybe next week I will accidentally push her into him !

So I guess the first line isnt really describing a true situation...there is no dilema.. i just couldnt figure out the correct word to use :P

p.s after writing a blog about how i deteste cheese my roomate makes this dish...
ok so its not cheese but it sure looks like it...

Things I wasnt made for

As I was getting out of my beautifully warm shower just a moment ago I realized I wasn’t made for the cold! This got me thinking about other things I wasn’t made for;
• Cheese
• Bad breath
• Cars that don’t automatically fix themselves
• Bad odor
• Snoring
• Light stealers ( my father brought this to my attention this afternoon…the topic of boys being drawn to my “ light” and then stealing it)
• Mushy mushrooms
• Non mountain scenery
• Red lights
• Radar guns
• Cheese again ( believe me this is a strong point)
• 4 am mornings
• 3 am nights
• Dumb people… as in dumb ass people
• Horror films ( I was born with real bad things don’t go away from me memory syndrome)
• 20 days in a row of rainy days
• Cell phone that don’t work when they are suppose to
• -40 degree weather
• Any Colour other then the Colour purple
• Friends that never call until you call
• Milk based starbucks beverages…its soy all the way
• Apathy
And finally meanness and essays over 10 pages

And that is what I think about when I take warm showers!

Why I am no good in Relashionships.

I went out with my Mom today to an area that I spent the majority of my childhood when I wasn’t on the reservation.

My dad also called me today; it has been almost a year since I have heard from him.

These two things occurring made me think about why I am the way I am. This isn’t meant to be a “woe is me account” but a reflection on why I am not good in relationships.
I met my dad when I was 10 and since then he has been in and out of my life…periods from 2 months to just under 3 years because of shame he feels with his drinking and alcohol use. He never thinks himself good enough to be around me and I just want him around.
When I was growing up with my mom there were many times I was sent to live with relatives or in foster homes… she had a messed up childhood living on Rez and did the best she could with me but found herself in situations were she left me… all the time, with people I didn’t want to be with, people who hurt me.
I felt abandoned. I didn’t get it. I was young.

It makes sense to me why 3 out of the 4 relationship thingy’s I have been in have happened with people who don’t live remotely close to me. If they are far away naturally they cant leave me… the sick thing is the way I justify it is my manipulating the “guard your heart” passage.

I wish I wasn’t left all the time, I wish I trusted more, I wish my dad would believe the words I say when I tell him that he matters, that his is worth it in his messiness.

The funny thing is, this is why I love people, why I was made for other people. It breaks me when I met people who are hurting because hurt is someone I am well aquatinted with and someone I don’t want to pass to another or allow anyone to live with.
It’s about living beyond me.
It’s about love.

Restless

I am in one of my antsy, fidgety, restless, pacing, want to go to sleep (I know this contradicts the other things, but whatever, its how I feel) I don’t know what to do with myself moods.
These moods are not good because I tend to;
Annoy my roommate
Eat
Sleep (big no no, since I just had a 4 hour nap until 7 pm)
Spend too much time on facebook
Bother my roommate
Waste water in too long of showers
Start picking at my nails...ie. Biting...ewwwwww

I have lots of homework to do, but I don’t want to do it at this moment because like I said before I am in a fidgety mood and I wont be able to produce a good quality of work to hand in.

I am not sure why I want what’s not good for me (actually I understand WHY I want it, but not why, notice the difference) … this thing I want will not add to the quality of my life, will not satisfy longer then the moment, will add a heavy weight to my life probably wont stay around long, and will keep me in want… stupid chocolate…

Ok so maybe its not chocolate but you get the point.

I wanna go and dance, the hallway looks like a good floor!


side note... so I am glad I have Jenn because she try's and helps me see that the thing i want is not the thing that is best for me.. yaaaa roommates.

Smells

A man walked into my store today smelling delicious

Yes I said Delicious

...bite me !

ARGGGGGGGG

I want to cry

I never want to cry

It’s my own fault and it’s stupid!

I need to scream, or maybe punch someone really really hard!

It’s my own fault and it’s very stupid!

It’s about school and there is nothing left to do about it.

Laziness and procrastination will be my own undoing…or better yet this past summer

is to blame.

You dont have to live like this !

I am not going to go, I am going to go, I am not going to go

I went!

Leah gave me her Indecisive syndrome !

I went and had a beautiful time. Gloria, Leah, Grace, Franny and I went to Seattle this past Sunday to attend a conference by Rob Bell titled “The Gods aren’t Angry”. which was "Part anthropology, part history, part deconstruction - this is new material that Rob hasn't taught before, exploring how humans invented religion to make themselves feel better". He was brilliant and I enjoyed what he spoke about but the day was more then about him.

Some friends gave me little nuggets of wisdom about my time there after I explained to them that I had not laughed as hard and as much as I did while wandering around Seattle. I was there for this and not that .

Even trying to explain it and show pictures doesn’t seem descriptive enough, maybe perhaps because it was for me . But here are some pictures anyways….

(To give a little perspective on the way we were acting… just think to the last time you were at the mall and saw a bunch of teenage girls together, laughing and being annoying as if no one else were around. Now just replace that with five 20 something year olds ! )


(before we got in the car)

( fighting the fierce Seattle wind)

( still fighting)


(Victoria Secret photo session)

( Gloryorya and I posing for Leah)

(Inside the conference)


( one of the Few shots of Leah (with Grace) since she was the photographer)

( doing the unimaginable..eating cheesecake)

I have been thinking about this portion of the song Oh My God by Jars of Clay for the last while…..

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other


I have always heard the word Mercy being thrown around in conversations but to tell you the truth I don’t really understand it as a concept, like it just doesn’t tic in my head, but always the idea of mercy cutting deep seems to resonate in my mind. So the researcher that I can be in specific moments of the day...Right now being 11:07pm decided to look at what it means
The dictionary meaning is: compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence

The discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, esp. to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

But even that doesn’t do it for me ! I understand the second definition more then the first, but I am wondering what mercy looks like in my life, in my friend’s life and in faith?
Is it turning misery into relief?
Is it kindness and forgiveness?
Is it cutting do deep because I am so guilty?

Things are suppose to be simple so a child can understand but why do I have such difficulties understanding?

Do I not understand it because I dont see it?

side note: When I typed "Mercy" into Google Images I found multiple images of glowing Jesus's and for some reason I dont thing thats what Mercy is !

second side note: we live in an amazing planet, I just finished watching Planet Earth with a friend and I am in awe ! watch it and see the beauty that we live in if you are unable to see the beauty already !

Up to this Point

So love;

I was in love once or possibly twice, actually maybe I was in love once and have loved twice. Make sense?

I have been thinking about the relationships I have had with the opposite gender

The good ones
The long ones
The heartbreaking ones
The short ones
The confusing ones

My first boyfriend was my first love, or what I thought love was at that time. He was also my only real relationship relationship. I never expected it but it happened, I never thought about him until he asked me out. Ha I was young and things have changed.
I hope.
Let’s name him C.
We were young, things were intense. It went back and forth for 4 years until finally it dissolved…
With lots of tears.

The next person that caught my interest caught it for a year before anything took place. I liked him and wanted something to happen. In my head I figured something would.
He was everything C wasn’t. I was dating C when I met him.
I wasn’t allowed to date him because of the program I was in and because I was dating C.
We were friends. I liked him. I didn’t know he liked me. We dated for 3 months. He bought me a Canuck jersey, we are still friends. He was what I would call a ½ relationship relationship.
We will call him S.

I loved this next person. I never told him but he knew. I have never been treated better by anyone. He was genuine and sweet and maybe too good for me. He wanted me but I pushed him away because, well I am not sure right now.
Maybe because it was a summer thing?
Maybe it was because it was another Montréal thing?
I won’t ever know. He was what I would call my non relationship relationship. We were never actually going out.
His name will be R.

The last person I can actually consider as someone I was seeing took place in Quebec as well … (that province!)
He was in my French program. When I met him/saw him, I knew. I am not sure why I knew since he didn’t fit into any of the categories of “types” that I like. But I just did. Something happened; I say it was something good. I can’t define what we are because there is no definition really. And plus he doesn’t like that whole definition thing…whatever.
He was difficult. I was confused. He was smart. I was intrigued. It was the summer and it had to end. He was more of a non-relationship relationship but he was also less because there was hand holding.
He will be J.
I have no real reason for writing about these people besides the point that I wanted to. And this is about me doing what I want.

The doors are locked

I feel like I am floundering in school right now

Slowly

Destructively

Passively

I know it’s my own undoing but I cant get the gears in my head to start moving .

Great

My house smells like my first experience living in Montreal...

Memory's are great !

Pasta is great as well !

Gavin DeGraw music is great !

And the last thing for today that is great is Soy Chai Latte muffins that my roommate is making right this moment !

Writing 4 Who?

I am sitting in the Palm Beach airport right now, I just finished writing in my journal and figured that why not just write down here what I wrote there.

Perfectionism is the Voice of the Oppressor -Anne Lamott

I have been feeling that I need to write down my story that I should be aware of what has happened in my life and what is happening. I like to forget things, I like not to be effected but I am intensely sensitive to the happening around me!

Yesterday my roommate who I love didn’t mean to offend me when she said I wasn’t a real writer, she even said so (don’t worry I am not offended, not really) but it got me wondering what it means to be a real writer, like what qualifies you… if its about storytelling then are we not all capable of being writers. I know my flaws in the eyes of the school system and various friends
- bad grammar
- poor spelling
- uneducated in current discourse
But after attending a storytelling workshop a week back I have come to not believe all these things to be of the utmost importance, not when you like it. For years I have struggled in school to produce what I believed the teachers wants, what everyone else was giving and failed miserably.

I have had many conversations with my roommate Jenn about writing… like why one does it, who it’s for… what the purpose is. I like what Donald Miller has to say about his own writing experience which he attributes to Anne Lamott who I also appreciate… he writes this
“When I started writing this book I just wanted to end up with something like Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, because in Traveling Mercies it felt like she was free, free to be herself, to tell her story, to just vent, to rant, to speak as if she were talking to a friend” he also states that part of his writing was just being able to talk to himself! I think they both got it right one..its not about, it is kind of a narotic thing, i am trying to figure it out and be good at it in my own eyes.. i guess kinda like trying to be comfortable in my own skin ?

So this is why is wasn’t really an offence when I was told I wasn’t a real writer, we all have our own definitions that we try to live up to that we want to attain . I just realize that I am not the same kind of writer as others, others who maybe have had better education, more support and perhaps a more clear imagination then me. This is not meant to be excuses as to my inability to always articulate myself, just different things that shape my writings and others as well.

I ended up buying a book while I was in the airport and I finished reading it before I got to Palm Beach. I bought the five people you meet in heaven, it was good a read for the airplane ! ( this is the city I was in..West Palm Beach)


( here is there backyard and me and Michelle on our way to the beach)

When I stepped out of the airport I hit a wall of humidity and thought “my hair, my face, the sweat…eeeeeew” and then quickly turned back into the building because I wasn’t ready; two minutes passed and I swiftly made my way to the air conditioned car.
While we were driving down the highway we noticed that in the right lane ( we were in the left lane) the car in front of us( about 5 car lengths in front of us) was trying to move into our lane…there was no one in front us so he had free take of all the available space but I guess the car decided not to follow through so we merrily continued chatting and driving and then suddenly we were one car length behind this car and the car decided to move into our lane but now we were right there, but the car didn’t stop moving so we had to drive on a diagonal and end up driving right off the road… I WAS FREAKED! Ted and Michelle were curing left and right because now we were no longer on the highway and the car was in a ditch and this is how I started my trip.




When we pulled into their neighborhood I have to admit that part of me wanted it…the big beautiful house, the gated community and the two cars, the palm trees, Joel Olsten theology, the sunshine (ok so while writing this is started a crazy rainstorm and I went out to play and now I am soaked) … I am too hungry to continue writing.. brb

English muffin finished! The first day here was beautiful and full of sunshine… I went bike riding with the kids, breakfast with Michelle and her Mom Elaine (who also came here the same day as me) and then dinner with the whole family at a BBQ Hut thing… it was all fun minus the fighting and running around of the kids !

The rest of the days here were pretty chill, we went to beaches and this thing called City place which is basically one big mall that is outdoors and circular filled with pretty lights and palm trees….at night it turns into a big club…The night we went for a stroll it was Halloween celebration night…which meant a light of scantly dressed girls… young girls… like 15.. I know it was stinkin hot but who lets there kid out wearing nothing, I felt as if they should be in Dora pj;s or something !

( Here is Cityplace and Andreana, one of the kids I use to look after)

I am going home today and happy about it, although my time here has been fun, it has been stressful! I think I may have developed lung cancer or something like from all the smoking that has happened with me stuck in the car with no escape..Here are some pictures of my time.. Unfortunately it wasn’t all that sunny but I guess I can’t have it all.

OK so i dislike putting pictures on here because it is such a hassle and this is one of the reasons they look so unorganized !

Humid !

I am going to write about my trip to Florida when I get home but for now its a complaint.

I am trying to sleep, it is about 2am and 80 degrees in my room ( air conditioning is supposedly on?!?!?) I cant sleep, I need to sleep...ohhhh sleep !

SeaTac

My mind is all over the place.

I am sitting in Tully’s at the Seattle Airport. To be honest I am not really sure how I made it here this morning because all I remember is getting up, talking to a customs person, parking my car and now sitting here..All the rest is kind of a blur. I know that doesn’t sound safe but I can honestly tell you that my mind was mush when I was driving because of tiredness!

I am on my way to Florida for a week, I am not sure why I picked this time to go except that the ticket was dirt cheap and I haven’t been anywhere in a good month and a half… I have a midterm due the day I get back so hopefully I can magically become disciplined and start doing it on the plane ride there, or maybe I will wake early for a couple days to work on it…

I am hoping that my roommate doesn’t look for dust bunnies in my room because I guarantee they will be found, and then she will be disgusted and she might stop cooking and then who knows what might happen…plus I like those little dust bunnies they keep my company when I am reading !

I am really tired right now, all my eyes want to do it shut, I think they actually are shutting, but I am scared to close them to long because 1) I am in America and Americans are scary 2) someone might steal my backpack and that would be unfortunate 3) I wanna fall asleep on the airplane which puts to death any plans of starting my essay

Well my computer is going to die and I see no plug in site… I wish I did but I don’t:

I think I might go buy a book even though i dont have money for one and I also have a bunch of school books to entertain me...pooey !

Runnning Tunes

I went running today to prove to myself that I could beat the time I received the other day for running 1.5 miles. My roommate needed a test subject and well I had no where to hide, sadly I got a time of 14.40 which is not something to boast about!

While I was running I was listening to some music, in particular U2 and a couple Derek Webb songs. The song ‘I Repent’ came on and for a while I was just kind of dazed to the words, just using the actually music to keep my stamina up, I decided to listen to it again as I have been trying to focus my life on things bigger/higher then myself and as soon as I began to listen, conviction came.

To give a little context to why I felt convicted; it seems lately that I have been really critical of those who belong to the Christian faith, in particular those that attend church. I guess the correct word would be Judgmental, not outright but in my spirit, which is probably worse. I have been finding myself believing I am better because I don’t subscribe to certain tendencies or because I am resisting the status-quo syrupy vanilla syndrome that I see all around me. I don’t know when I figured it was ok for me to judge or look down upon something when I hardly know anything at all and when I am only in this place of my life because of grace! I have no authority because I am not doing anything to fight what it is that I dislike, I do not love people in my judgments, and I am not growing in these thoughts but instead becoming more and more cynical.
He opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
I don’t even want to be justified in my thoughts;
I want to think about what is good, pure, right, and lovely. I want to love people and inspire them and give them hope, I am suppose to be an image right? This is how I want to make a difference because my ideologies will not go very far; I know this because when people are spouting there’s to me, I just become cynical of them! Not all the time but the majority… I am judging it because I dont want to be like it. I think I am just sick of my self-being a complainer and a critic of something that is beautiful, spiritual and very intimate! I don’t know where peoples hearts are at, they could just be like mine… in a constant battle to choose what I believe to be right, in constant failure but most surely in constant grace!

Here are some excerpts from the song;

I repent; I repent of my pursuit of America’s dream
I repent; I repent of living like I deserve anything

I repent of parading my liberty
I repent of paying for what I get for free
And for the way I believe that I am living right
By trading sins for others that are easier to hide
I am wrong and of these things I repent

I repent judging by a law that even I can't keep
Of wearing righteousness like a disguise
To see through the planks in my own eyes

I repent of trading truth for false unity
I repent of confusing peace and idolatry
By caring more of what they think than what I know of what we need
By domesticating you until you look just like me
I am wrong and of these things I repent


Aghh I am sick of myself, I am doing the very think I detest in others and the worst part is that I have been justifying it !

Plus who wants to be around a critical person all the time..hmm I take that back since there was once someone that was like that, that I enjoyed being around but thats besides the point and this person is far away now!

Last Night

Last night I was inspired by my lovely mentor who breathed some life into
this withering excuse of a human who consistently chooses the mundane over the extraordinary.

What has become my prayer;

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

My Life Right Now through Pictures

So this post should start off with an Introduction to my roommate extrordinare ( I don't know how to spell and thats not the point of this blog, k !) She is a vegan, feminist, anti-religious, sarcastic, red headed ( non-natural) overly accepting, generous, cooker of my food and Jesus following friend person, just a wall away, she loves this picture of herself so i thought it would be best to use for her !

Here is Chow Chow, he is fierce and likes to stare at uswhen he is left outside, then he likes to bark at us , then after thats all done , we try to approach him and he runs away like he is about to be slaughtered or something !

Next we have the by-product of a 3 month City wide civic strike..isnt it a beauty !

Now in case you cant tell , these are leaves, they are crunchy and pretty and like to fall on my car all the time !

So halloween is in the air, Me and Jenn

were out for a walk the other day and this yard found us, maybe one day I will be one of those people filled with spirit and deciede to decorate my yard... but then again maybe I wont be.

This is me and Leah( otherwise known as Leah#2). She is kinda one of my fav people, but I dont like her knowing because sometimes her young age gets in the way of her thinking straight......

I Dont Get It !

I am in the library being a good little student getting my study on with my roommate who is sitting right behind me presumably doing the same thing! I need a break, I get bored easily and my chapter on Ethical Issues has expidiated the boredom process.

I have been all over the board with emotions in these past 5 days from driving in my car crying (if you know me you would know why this is important); to walking in my neighborhood gazing at the mountains feeling peace and contentness with my life; to wanting to be in a relationship then moments later realizing that I don’t really want that; to feelings of intense apathy and then feelings of inspiration of all sorts. I don’t get it but then it’s probably because I don’t care to get it!

The pursuit of romantic type relationships has been a sore topic for me this past month or so. I am sure my friend Leah would agree that we are being increasingly disturbed at the amount of people who are doing anything possible to find a husband , things like going to the right church filled with young people, acting in a way they believe a guy will want, reading books, buying the right music*( look down below) ..Creating in them the ideal women while never really being that or knowing where the ideal came from plus not understanding that these things they are doing are transparent. this is ridiculous, why be something your not to be in a relationship that if your lucky will last you 5 years that will then leave you divorced and alone, the very thing you don’t want ! We are a stupid generation, an annoying one, there are more important things then being married…frik its not so scary being single! I don’t get it, but then I do!

I have been trying to figure out what it is I care about, not what people tell me they think I care about but that thing deep inside that gives me the ability to inspire and change situations within my own community and beyond as well. In some of my friend’s lives I can see clearly what they are passionate about, what gets there hearts racing… why can’t I see it in me? Does it mean I don’t care about anything...or maybe I just can’t choose what is most important to me, maybe care isn’t the correct word… passion maybe?

Grrr I can’t study and I don’t want to. Its beautiful outside but all I see is mustard colored desk with scribbling written all over it that seem irrelevant when the sun is glowing and the rain and wind sleeping. Why am I inside, I don’t get it


*( side note my roommate Jenn just told me my horoscope (which I believe are foolish) that I may meet a new friend that could very well turn into a romantic interest….go figure… just as I am writing this )

Blitzer !

Last night I had such a fun night. Me and Leah went to our friend Gloria’s place for a sleepover…Which started with us eating nachos, pulling our hair back, playing some Dutch blitz and then ending with a photo session and sleep then starting the next day with Timmy’s, more Dutch blitz and dancing around ! I don’t think I had laughed that much and so hard in a long time. These girls are big cheaters in Dutch blitz but that’s ok because my talent still surpassed their abilities in the end

I love dancing and Timmy’s and Gloria and my other half Leah… me and her ended the day with some intense studying time with added conversations about power imbalances and socio-economic status which pertain to both of our chosen fields !

Friends are lovely!

and roomates who love you no matter what you are wearing !

You steal my heart

I have had a really amazing week which has made me grateful and suspicious! Grateful because even with all the rain and fog I have woken up most mornings with a smile for no one particular reason, more a multitude of different situations colliding with one another to produce something like joy! Suspicious because I am a human and I am wondering when the inevitable plunge will occur.

I am reading a book called Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli that my roommate lent me, as I read I become more and more convicted that life is more then whatever it is right now…. That “sameness is a virus that infects members of industrialized nations and causes an allergic reaction to anyone who is different. This virus effects the decision making part of our brains, resulting in an obsession with making identical choices everyone else is making” (78) Ha lovely is what I think, I think more but its kind of private for right now ! All I know is that I am bored with my condition in being like everyone else, even worse is that desire that I have to be like them and I am not talking about the people of the mainstream culture!

This song has been humming around in my head for the last 3 days
Everything- Lifehouse

You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

My heart has been yearning for missions again, at a local level as well as international! After my TREK experience I felt as if I would never be able to do it again, I felt lost, alone, forgotten in a way..Not because of the trip itself but by coming back and not feeling like I belonged or was wanted...it was weird.. I questioned a lot but in the end it was good and I was brought back to a place where my hearts desire was that of Isaiah’s where he says “Here I am, Send Me”!!! This is where I am right now waiting, not sure of what I will hear or where I will go but knowing that this is what I love!

Not really sure !

I am not very good at blogging, that’s why I haven’t been doing it very often! So right now I am just going to simply state what I have been feeling /going through!

1) I feel confined… confined by my clothing, my religion, my laziness and apathy, its like I try to break free but just run into walls and bruise my face or just get much dreaded pimples !
2) I am feeling really confused about my mind and its limitations as of late! I cant seem to remember anything or retrieve thoughts and ideas that I know are in my head...it goes from the simple “where are my keys, I know you’ve stolen them Jenn “(roommate) to theories that I have studied for the last 3 years in school as well to verses and themes in the bible that have had substantial impact on my life! This is really driving me crazy because I feel like I am trying to so hard to understand and remember things with no avail.
3) I feel like my heart and soul are crying out use me! Use me! Use me! But there is no result I just feel like a disillusioned lethargic fool!
I don’t mean to sound bummed, I am not really… I just don’t want to be wasting time. I want to use the gifts that I have been given but I am not sure where my place is because more and more I don’t feel like it is with privileged rich kids that somehow don’t get it ( I know I need an attitude change)
I have to admit last week I wasted a lot and didn’t even feel convicted about it so I thought to search out something that would speak against wasting time or at least something to inspire me for the rest of this season

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to count our days that we may gain a wise heart." That’s what I want to do..Thats what I have been praying and seeking and ya its simple but it means something to me in this season of my life ! I found this prayer/poem which I think speaks to the general culture around time today

Michel Quoist, "Lord, I Have Time."
I went out Lord,
People were coming and going
Walking and running.
Everything was rushing: cars, trucks, the street, the whole town.
People were rushing not to waste time.
They were rushing after time,
To catch up with time, to gain time.
"Good-bye, Sir, excuse me, I haven't time.
I'll come back. I can't wait, I haven't time.
I must end this letter, I haven't time.
I'd love to help you, but I haven't time.
I can't accept, having no time.
I can't think, I can't read, I'm swamped, I haven't time.
I'd like to pray, but I haven't time.
"Lord, you have made a big mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
The hours are too short,
The days are too short,
Our lives are too short."

Peace of Mind

He says there's no me without him... Please help me forget about him
He takes all my energy... Trapped in my memory
Constantly holding me... Constantly holding me

I need to tell you all... All the pain he's caused
I need to tell you I'm... I'm undone because

He says it's impossible... But I know it's possible
He says it's impossible without him... But I know it's possible
To finally be in love... And know the real meaning of
A lasting relationship... Not based on ownership
I trust every part of u.... Cause all that you say you do
You love me despite myself Sometimes I...
I fight myself I just can't believe that you.... Would have anything to do
With someone so insecure... Someone so immature
Ohh you inspire me, to be the higher me

You make my desire pure... You make my desire pure
Just tell me what to say... I can't find the words to say
Please don't be mad with me... I have no identity
All that I've known is gone... All I was building on
I wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you?

Lauren Hill

Mornings

I woke up this morning and stepped out into the most wonderful dewy fresh vancouver morning !

This past weekend I went on a camping trip with the grade 12's from youth group, It was a fun time sitting by the fire in the rain chatting about life. I like how once people are out in nature in a non threatening enviormont how the chatter bug in everyone becomes alive !

I got my beloved car back, I was happy they cleaned it, I wasnt happy that I had to pay 300$ for the deductible ! I have had this vehicle for about 8 months now, and It amazes me that I still have the feeling of " I cant believe I own my own Car" ...the feeling exists for school and goes something like this " Wow I am in school" and now for my new place I often think " Is this real"... I know these seem like simple things, but my mind works in simple ways.. I love that I know how to drive, that I can freely go to school and that I have the means to live out of my parents house..I feel freer then before although these things are the main headaches of my life in terms of time and cost !

I have started missing my dad, if you dont know he has been " gone" since january and I am not sure when he will deciede to come back but I want to stop thinking about it for a while since it is not a choice I made.....blah is what I think.. blah him !

I cant wait until winter !

Weekend Times !

Life has been in flux for the last month or so. I moved here are some pictures! It’s small but cozy and functional! It comes with a great view (starbucks).

This past weekend I went to Rockridge camp/retreat with the kids from the youth group, we had some fun and intense spiritual times, I enjoyed being with my girls and once again get to see them mature (it makes me sad to talk about it so I will leave it be right now). On the Sunday night when I returned my roommate and I went to the Keith Urban concert, and WOW the man knows how to perform, the show was superb, I think I like him even more now. My camera is ghetto so the photos are not that good but here are some anyways! I think I still have his tunes ratelling through my head.

The next morning I kind of forgot to wake up for class and aimlessly tried to get some reading in for my classes, can’t believe It is week 2 and I am already behind! Well that night me and my bud Michelle went to the City and Colour concert (I know it seems like I am going to lots but the reality is they just all landed in the same month).. City and Colour, aka Dallas Green has left me breathless ….I don’t know what to say! His words, his melodies, his voice, his ora, his everything was just perfect… Love him Love him Love him!

The next morning I woke up to find that my car had been broken into, I wasn’t even upset about it, I just felt violated! I had to wake my roommate up which was a bummer because I am sure she loves sleep just as much as me…well she came out with camera in hand and noticed in my back seat a variety of books talking about “ unjust society” you know my criminology books.. ha how convenient ! well like I said I am not upset, this doesn’t really seem like a big deal because it isn’t, I am glad they didn’t steal my baby, but I am not sure why they would want to since it is such a beater !

Well the best part of my day was coming home to find roses in my room from my roommate, who does that??? No one is my answer, yet here in my midst, in the room next door I have found one of a few and that gives me hope and makes me smile! I know its cliché but these darn little things are what make life worth while!

Thoughts through someone else's words !

I made a couple new friends this past weekend at Camp and one of them just got through pressuring me to check out this artist that in his own words he is " obsessed " with, I am not sure why I thought I could trust his judgement because he likes the Montreal Canadians ( sick) but none the less I went on a journey with the aid of my computer to seek this artist out that has taken a hold of my new friend and i have to admit, although a bit unwillingly that I was a tad , tiny bit blown away.... friends maybe you should give this guy a listen, his name is Sufjan Stevens ( enough said he deserves ur respect) ... back to the point of this blog, here are some lyrics that I found compelling !

To Be Alone With You
I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you
You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals
To be alone with me To be alone with me To be alone with me
You went up on a tree To be alone with me you went up on the tree
I'll never know the man who loved me

For The Widows In Paradise; For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti
I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.
I was dressed embarrassment. I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take you're time?
Even if I come back, even if I die Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress; Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you
I have called you preacher; I have called you son. If you have a father or if you haven't one,
I'll do anything for you. I did everything for you

Beautiful is all I am left with to describe what is going on in my head, my heart and whatever else there is that makes up me !

Dave Harm

Not on a "pity-pot," nor ranting or venting... I'm just tired..

I’m tired of being misunderstood,
nerves are shot,
weak – like old wood.

I’m tired of being ill,
no energy, can’t think,
losing my skills.

I’m tired of so-called friends,
stabbing me in the back,
again and again.

I’m tired of trying to make things right,
i give up – I surrender,
no will to fight.

I’m tired of seeing others in pain,
raises frustration,
drives me insane.

I’m tired of not being able to cry,
i’d melt away,
nothing left inside.

I’m tired because I can’t feel,
walking in a daze – numb
this can’t be real.

I’m tired of being “strong,”
i’m weak, i’m fragile,
its gone on way to long.

I don’t know what else to say,
i’m hoping, i’m dreaming,
i’m begging, i’m pleading,
please, take this feeling away.

Right now… I’m just tired…


week one of life back and Im already feeling a bit burnt out !